Because I'm not sure which is worse; the lie of omission or the lie I just told.
* * *
`So what do you think `“ do we still want pizza?'
Patsie is sitting behind Sasha on the top deck of the bus going towards Summertown, her backpack wedged between her feet. She's wearing her red leather jacket, like she always does. Isabel's next to Sasha, listening to music on her phone and fiddling about with her hair. She's dyed the ends pink. Sasha half wishes she had the courage to do that, but only half. It's not just that her mother would flip (to which Iz just shrugged and said it would grow out eventually so no need to get your knickers in a twist); Sasha's always been rather proud of her hair, and her mum never stops reminding her that as soon as you start dyeing it you'll never get the real colour back.
Patsie leans forward and digs Isabel in the ribs. `Earth to Parker. Where. Do. We. Want. To. Go?'
Iz turns round and pretends to swipe her. `I heard you honking the first time, you noisy cow. I don't care as long as I don't have to eat my weight in pizza `“ I am getting SO fat!'
Sasha gives her a sidelong look. `Yeah, right. You're a size six, for God's sake.'
Iz blows her a kiss and Patsie makes a puking gesture and they all collapse in giggles. On the other side of the aisle Leah reaches into her bag and pulls out a bottle with a straw in and passes it round. It says Diet Coke on the side, but there's a good glug of her father's Scotch in there too. Not the malt `“ he'd notice that `“ just the stuff he keeps for when the neighbours come round. Sasha takes as small a sip as she can get away with then hands it back, feeling the alcohol burn down her throat. She's taught herself not to gag, but really, whisky is truly disgusting. And as for those bright-green shot things `“ they just taste like mouthwash `“
`So, you going to tell us or what?'
Sasha looks up. Her three friends are staring at her, trying to suppress their knowing smiles. Sasha does her best to look Innocent And Baffled but she can't be making a very good job of it because Leah gives her one of her yeah, yeah faces.
`Don't even try and pull that one `“ we know you've got a new bloke, don't we, Pats? So `“ give. Who is he?'
Sasha feels herself blushing. `I don't know what you mean.'
The girls give her theatrically incredulous looks. `You've been mega secretive for days,' says Isabel. `What is it `“ is he married or something?'
She has her head on one side now, scrutinizing Sasha for a reaction, which only makes her blush even more.
`Well, wouldn't you like to know,' she says, trying to look playful and teasing. As if she's sitting on a delicious secret. Which she tells herself she is `“ well, sort of, anyway.
Iz looks archly at Patsie and passes Sasha the bottle again. `Don't worry. Few more of these and we'll get the truth out of her. We've got all night.'
Patsie pokes Iz in the shoulder blades. `You, Isabel Rebecca Parker, are all talk. You were totally out of it last week on two Cactus Jacks.'
She grins at Sasha, who gives her a relieved smile in return. She can rely on Patsie to back her up. She always has `“ ever since playgroup. The two only became four when they went to secondary school, where the class clever clogs started calling them the LIPS girls: Leah, Isabel, Patsie, Sasha. The others loved it `“ they even started using it for their WhatsApp group `“ but Sasha knows irony when she sees it. Especially given how much time the others spend pouting into their make-up mirrors. Either way, the name stuck. And they're tight, the four of them; all the other girls want to be in with their group, but as Pats once joked, the LIPS are sealed. But even now, Sasha and Patsie have something special that Leah and Iz don't share. Though Sasha's realized, these last few weeks, that there are some things she'd rather not talk about to anyone, not even Patsie. Like Liam. Especially Liam `“
There's a sudden burst of laughter from the group of lads in the front of the bus, and a man near the back looks up and frowns. He got on just after Sasha and the others, but unlike the boys, he isn't even on their radar. He's not the sort of man people notice, least of all teenage girls. He mutters something about the noise and turns to look out of the window. The boys, meanwhile, are now swivelling glances in the direction of the girls, but Iz has already declared them `like, totally skanky' so talking to them is clearly out of the question.
`What did you tell your mum?' asks Leah. `About tonight?'
Sasha shrugs. `Just that we were going for a pizza and I might stay over with Pats. She's chill about it.'
But her cheeks flush a little at the memory. Of her mum smiling and telling her to have a good time. Of the hug she got as she was leaving and the `I love you' that still lays heavy on her heart. She hates lying to her mum; she always has, even when she was little, and she wishes she didn't have to now. But she knows her mum wouldn't understand. She'd be hurt and angry and it's so much easier and kinder right now to let her think she's crashing with Pats. Some day `“ soon `“ she'll explain everything. She's promised herself she'll do that and she'll hold to it. Just not quite yet.
`Wish mine was more like yours,' says Isabel, making a face. `She just will not get off my case. I mean, I could actually get married in four months.'
Sasha's turn to grimace. `God, imagine getting shackled at sixteen. I have so much I want to do before I get lumbered with all that crap.'
Iz grins. `Yeah, yeah, we all know what you're going to be doing this summer. That's when you're not walking the Inca Trail and bungee jumping off the Grand Canyon and swimming with dolphins in the Galapagos `“'
`It was Australia `“ I don't think they even have dolphins in the Galapa`“'
She stops and laughs, seeing their faces. `OK, OK. Perhaps I do go on a bit.'
Their mouths drop open, mock-aghast. `No, seriously?'
`Anyway,' says Patsie, popping a Haribo into her mouth and chewing loudly. `At least it'd be better than no one wanting to marry you at all. Like that creep Scott.'
Isabel bursts out laughing. `No one'd shag him `“ imagine that pizza face rubbing all over your tits!'
They're squealing with laughter now, rolling in the seats and clutching their stomachs. The boys are looking round, wondering what's going on and clearly worried the joke is on them, which just sets the girls off all over again.
* * *
Adam Fawley
3 April 2018
19.25
`I'm sorry, I should have said something before. But I didn't want to worry you.'
Alex turns back to the chopping board and reaches for another tomato. She's trying to pretend everything is OK but she's gripping the knife so tightly her knuckles are white.
`Osbourne doesn't think there's anything to be concerned about. But there could be something in the press `“'
`There's bound to be, isn't there?' Her voice trembles a little and I can see her willing herself to keep control. `It was all over the papers back then, you know it was. It was like `“ like `“ the Yorkshire Ripper.'
They called Parrie the Roadside Rapist long before they knew his real name. He dragged his victims off the pavement and assaulted them in undergrowth and darkened alleyways and deserted car parks reeking of piss. But that was just the start; we never thought we would end up thinking the first women were the lucky ones. We didn't know, then, what he was capable of.