“So how does it feel now?”
“In a way, I feel better. But lots of things hurt, especially my knee. I had a horrible headache yesterday.”
“Gosh, Brian, what a hurdle you have leapt over. Congratulations. Now you have proved the strength you have and the strength you can count on to go forward.” Peggy wasn’t entirely sure that a complete opiate withdrawal had occurred, but for the moment, she decided to go with the flow.
“But my past is the pits. I have put my career in jeopardy, I have wrecked my marriage beyond recovery, and I don’t have any personal elements of my life left.”
“Stolen by opiates.”
“I used to think stolen by my knee.”
“Stolen by opiates. Maybe the knee what got you to opiates, but opiates are the villain.”
“Interesting personalization of opiates.”
“They will be your villain for the rest of your life.”
“That’s what Pain Management says. They say that I will be recovering and never recovered.”
“It will be a life-long struggle. Like with everything else in life, you will have good times and bad times.”
Brian’s face looked mournful. Then he said, “Villain.”
“Maybe opponent?”
“I like villain. I can see a tall figure in a black hood and cape with glowing, yellow eyes.”
“That works,” Peggy said.
“When I look around, it seems like no one but me has a villain like I do.”
“Aren’t you going to group meetings?”
“Yes.”
“That’s a whole roomful of folks who have big villains, and I bet there are some that have villains larger than yours, or have several of them.”
“There are some vets that have physical limitations as well as opiates.”
“Some have alcohol, gambling, all the rest.”
“Pain Management gave me a couple of books to read. But they are very unpleasant. Somehow, reading about someone else’s struggle with this doesn’t help me. I know I need to look forward, but some of the stupid things some of those people look forward to disgust me.”
“You don’t have to look forward to the same things. Whatever works for them works for them. You must find what works for you.”
“OK.” Brian said. “It’s hard.”
“Hard shouldn’t bother you. You went to college, medical school, did an obstetric residency, completed a fellowship, and now you are starting as a faculty member. Those are all hard. You should be pretty used to hard.”
“Those don’t seem to measure up to the hard I feel now. Those other hard things came to an end and are behind me. I don’t remember any obstacle in my past being this tall.”
“There will be some physical as well as psychological tricks your villain plays. Villains don’t play fair.”
“I hadn’t thought about that.” Brian sat a few minutes. “I’m going to get going. Thanks for talking to me.”
“No problem. Keep plugging. Just keep chipping away until you get the job done. Don’t set a time limit. Just keep working.”
“Thanks.” The glass in the door rattled.
Chapter 35
“Hey!” Ricky answered the phone.
“I’m scared to death.”
“Who isn’t?”
“Faith is the love of my life,” Josh said. “This girl claimed my heart the first time I saw her. I think she’s drop-dead gorgeous, she has a sharp mind, and she has such a loving heart.”
“You’ve been gaga over her forever.”
Josh didn’t notice the levity. “I can’t imagine what I would do if I lost her now!” Tears were running down his cheeks as he drooped in the chair. “That means I would lose Cori too.”
“You know this is getting to me too. I had to do a cesarean section to save the baby of a woman dying from COVID.” Josh heard the creak of his recliner.
“I know, I heard.”
“It’s eerie that I took a baby out of a woman and then just left her. I had a baby but didn’t think about the woman. Usually, we make sure she has pain relief, something to eat and drink, and that her vital signs are stable. I didn’t do any of that. I just sat and held the baby for a long time.”
“There’s nothing about this pandemic that is usual, Ricky. I just hope it doesn’t get more unusual for Faith.”
“If it’s any consolation, Josh, she’s not progressing much, so that’s good.”
“This is the worst thing that could happen. I don’t want her sick. I want her and Cori to stay in my life. I knew this whole thing was too good to be true.”
“I get that. I don’t know what to say.”
“In some ways, Faith looks a little like Reyenne. Her eyes and her color. This is a horror movie.”
“Don’t get too far ahead, Josh. Keep your cool. She needs you to keep your cool, and you need you to keep your cool.”
“I’m trying.”
“Have you talked to your family?”
“Yes. Not to my parents much, but to my sister often. I talked to Faith’s dad, Jim, and to her sister, Natalie. They’re all freaking out. You’re my only sane sounding board.”
“Let’s keep it that way.”
Josh took a deep breath. “It’s good I tested positive. I mean, I don’t want to be sick either. But it means I can visit her, which most other family members are not allowed to do. She is even pleasant in this mess she’s in.”
“I’ve come to enjoy and admire her,” Ricky said. “She’s bright, funny, and like you say, beautiful. Her compassion shows.”
“I think she will make an amazing doctor,” Josh said. “I hope I can measure up. She wants to do maternal-fetal medicine.”
“I can believe that. This seems to be her niche."
Josh stumbled over the next part. "First, she has to survive COVID. Then, she has to survive without any residual effects, which I am reading some patients get. I’m terrified that one of the two outcomes could ruin all this. What if Cori doesn’t survive this?”
Ricky was quiet for a few seconds. “I think they both have a good chance of survival like a number of others we’ve had. We haven’t had a fetal death, so that doesn’t seem to be a problem. From the information Haley has, no one is talking about fetal demise without maternal demise.”
Josh’s heart jumped. “I don’t know what I’ll do if she dies.”
“I don’t either. Think of the birthday party. I’m still amazed by that.”
“Everybody loves her. I love her.” Josh sighed again.
“We have to be calm for her,” Ricky said. “I have to admit, I find that hard. I have not been right since I held Reyenne’s hand while she died. There was nothing to do and I felt totally worthless. And we had Yankton as the attending, who we couldn’t even find. I felt hung out to dry.”
Josh somehow stumbled upon some levity. “You are totally worthless.”
“OK,” Ricky snorted. “It sounds like we have solved all the world’s problems.”
“Talk to you later. Thanks, Ricky.”
Chapter 36
Brian knew he needed to talk. Peggy was not the ideal person, but it was someone who could be accessed without an appointment in late morning. Brian’s office had finished early, thankfully, and he entered the fellows’ closet, rattling the window.
“Good morning, Brian,” Peggy said. “What’s on your mind?”
“Faith is sick.”
“Tell me about it. We are all stunned and terrified.”
“I’m stunned. Why are you guys terrified?”
Because of her immunosuppression.” Peggy said. “Between pregnancy and Humira, we don’t know what we are facing.”
“And we’ve had deaths.”
“Yes sir, three,” she said. “Considering I had never had a maternal death in forty years of practice, this is daunting. I am even having bad dreams.”