Ethan burst out laughing, making all the other girls in my new class turn and stare.
“I think I’m going to like doing sociology with you, Evie.” He gave me a tiny wink and a cheeky head tilt.
My heart started beating really quickly, but not in its usual trapped-insect way. In a new way. A good way.
“Thanks, I guess.”
Ethan didn’t do anything other than stare at me for the rest of the lesson.
That’s how we met.
I looked at my reflection. First up close, my nose pressed against the mirror. I stepped back and looked again. Then I closed my eyes and opened them really quickly to surprise myself into an unbiased reaction.
I didn’t look bad, you know.
From my reflection, you definitely couldn’t tell how nervous I was.
My phone beeped and my heart did a little earthquake.
Hey, just on the train. Looking forward to seeing u tonight. x
He was coming. It was real. Then I saw the time on my phone and panicked. I was seven minutes away from leaving late. I chucked everything into a bag, then ran to the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my hands.
Just as I’d finished, it happened.
BAD THOUGHT
Have you washed them properly?
I nearly doubled over. It was like someone had stabbed me in the guts with a knitting needle.
No no no no no.
And then another came to join the party.
BAD THOUGHT
You should wash them again, just to make sure.
I did double over then, holding onto the edge of the sink as my body crumpled. Sarah’d warned me this could happen. That the thoughts may come back when I cut down my dosage. She told me to expect it. It would be okay though, she said, because I had “coping mechanisms” now.
My mother knocked on the bathroom door. She’d probably been secretly timing me again – anything over five minutes was a warning sign.
“Evie?” she called.
“Yes, Mum,” I called back, still knotted over.
“You okay in there? What time do you need to leave for your party?”
She only knew about the party. She didn’t know I had a date. The less Mum knew, the better. My little sister Rose knew, but had been sworn to secrecy.
“I’m fine. I’ll be out in a sec.”
I heard her footsteps thump down the hallway and I let out a slow breath.
Logical thought
You’re okay, Evie. You don’t need to wash your hands again, do you? You only just washed them. Come on, up you get.
Like a well-trained soldier, I straightened myself and calmly unlocked the bathroom door. But not before one last brain malfunction muscled its way in for a parting shot.
BAD THOUGHT
Uh oh, it’s coming back.
Two
After a dismal summer of constant frizz-rain, September had been on its best behaviour. My leather jacket swung over my shoulder as I walked to the train station. It was balmy and light still, with kids rollerblading down the pavements and parents sitting in their front gardens with evening beers.
I was so unbelievably nervous.
I hadn’t wanted to meet him by myself. But Jane – TRAITOR – was getting a lift to the party with Friend-Stealer…sorry, I mean Joel.
“You don’t really need me there to pick your date up,” Jane had said, in a sickly-sweet voice. “Isn’t that a little…immature?”
I, personally, thought it was more immature to dye your naturally-blonde hair jet black as an act of rebellion against your perfectly-nice parents – like Jane had. But I didn’t tell her that. I just stared at my feet so I didn’t see the patronizing crinkle at the sides of her kohl-covered eyes.
“I just thought it would be cool, like, if we all rocked up together?” I replied. “You and Joel. Ethan and me. You know, as a group?”
“Hon, he’ll want it to be just you and him. Trust me.”
I used to trust Jane…
I used to trust my judgement.
I used to trust my thoughts.
Things change.
And, today, things were spiralling.
What if Ethan didn’t turn up? What if it was the worst night ever? What if he could tell I was mental and lost interest? What if I never found anyone who could put up with me? I mean, yes, I was better, but I was still…well…me.
I remembered what Sarah told me about dating.
What Sarah told me about dating
“I got a date,” I said to her.
I sat on my favourite chair in her office, twirling a stuffed bunny in my hands. Sarah did Family Therapy too, so there were always loads of toys to play with when she told me things I didn’t like.
It’s impossible to surprise a therapist – I’d been with her two years, and I’d learned that early. Yet Sarah did sit up in her big leather chair.
“A date?” she asked, her voice all neutral and therapyish.
“This weekend. I’m taking him to a house party.” The bunny spun faster and I couldn’t help but smile. “I guess it’s not like a date date. I mean, there won’t be any candles or rose petals or anything.”
“Who is this date with?”
Sarah jotted notes on her big A4 pad, like she always did when I said something interesting. It felt like an achievement, when she got the Bic biro out.
“Ethan from my sociology class,” I said.
“Right, and what is Ethan like?”
My tummy bubbled and my smile spread out wider, like margarine.
“He plays the drums. And he thinks he might be a Marxist. And, he finds me funny. He actually said yesterday, ‘Evie, you’re so funny.’ And…”
Sarah broke in. With her classic question.
“And how does that make you feel, Evelyn?”
I sighed and thought about it a moment.
“It feels good.”
The Bic biro moved again.
“Why does it make you feel good?”
I dropped the bunny back into the toy bin and stretched back, trying to work out the answer.
“I never thought a guy would fancy me…I guess. What with everything up here…” I tapped my brain. “And, it would, you know, be nice to have a boyfriend…like everyone else…” I trailed off.
Sarah narrowed her eyes and I braced myself. Two years had taught me narrowed eyes = a blunt question.
“It might be nice, but do you think it’s the healthiest thing for you right now?”
I stood up, instantly mad.
“Hey! Why can’t I just have one normal thing? Look at how much better I am. I’m coming off my medicine. I’m going to college every single day. I’m getting good grades. I even put my hand in a bin last week, remember?”
I slumped back down again, knowing she wouldn’t rise to my dramatic outburst. Sure enough, she remained composed.
“It’s normal to want something normal, Evie. I’m not denying you that, and I’m not saying you can’t or shouldn’t do it—”
“You couldn’t stop me anyway, I’m a free person.”
Silence to punish my interruption.
“All I’m going to say, Evie, is that you’re doing brilliantly. You said so yourself. However…” She tapped her biro on her pad, rolling her tongue in her cheek. “However…relationships are messy. Especially relationships with teenage guys. They can make you overthink and overanalyse and feel bad about yourself. And they can make even the most ‘normal’ –” she made the quote sign with her fingers – “girls feel like they’re going crazy.”
I thought for a moment. “So you’re saying Ethan is going to mess me about?”