I imagined my friends’ reactions to me… I got mad just picturing it.
What Amber would say
“Oh, Evelyn, snap out of it. Just don’t wash your hands – simple.”
What Lottie would say
“Sorry, Evie, we were going to invite you, but you can’t…handle that sort of thing, can you?”
What everyone always says
“Pull yourself together.”
“That doesn’t make any sense.”
“You’re only doing it for attention.”
“Just stop. It’s easy.”
By the time I stepped out into the cold night air, I was almost gasping. I ran around the corner of the cafeteria and found a dark patch. I leaned against the wall and took five giant breaths.
In, out, in, out. Come on, Eves, don’t cry now. Remember what Sarah said… If you get into the habit of falling apart, it’s a hard habit to break.
Stupid Sarah. Stupid Sarah with her stupid normal brain. I hated her.
I dropped my back against the wall, sliding downwards until I sat on the cold wet grass.
Don’t cry. I wasn’t even sure why I was upset.
“Well, fancy seeing you here.”
I jumped at the voice. His voice. Guy’s angular face emerged from the blackness.
“Guy, you scared the hell out of me.”
He walked closer, more of him coming visible as the lights from inside hit him. He had a roll-up hanging out his mouth and a can of beer in his hand.
“What are you doing sitting here by yourself?”
I looked around. I was basically in a hole in the wall – I could’ve asked for a PIN number and dispensed cash. There was no reasonable reason to be wedged into a hole in the college wall on a Saturday night.
I answered truthfully. “Hiding from the world.”
He smiled – a sad one – and sat down next to me, putting the can of beer between us.
“And why would you want to do that? You seemed to be having a good night…” His voice trailed off. It was as sad as his smile. He picked up the beer and offered me the can. I shook my head.
“I’ve had enough.”
“Fair enough.”
“Ethan kissed me. I didn’t really know what was going on.”
A slight nod of his head showed he’d heard it. He didn’t answer. Not right away. He stubbed out his cigarette and took a swig of beer – looking out into the blackness.
I couldn’t help but stare at the side of his face – it was mesmerizing. I’d already forgotten all about yelling at Amber, and wondering what Lottie was up to, and stressing about my malfunctioning brain. When I looked at Guy, it was like my brain was on a dimmer switch and the rest of the world was twisted down to mute.
Finally, he spoke. “I wish I didn’t care.”
“You care?”
Silence descended once more and I tried to find the darkness as interesting as Guy. Then he sighed and reached out an arm. It dropped around my shoulder and pulled me into his body. My whole right side was touching his left side and it sent bursts of static rushing through my body. I could smell him, all smoky and honeylike. My face was nudged into his neck.
“I care,” he whispered.
Guy’s hand found my face and pulled it to his. My lips were quivering. And then, in a crevice of a college outbuilding, my lips met a boy’s for the second time. Everything around me went hazy. Guy’s kiss was soft at first but his lips got harder and harder. His hand reached to the back of my hair, pulling my face right into his. Then he moaned and effortlessly grabbed me and put me onto his lap. Instinctively, I wrapped my legs around his waist. When his tongue strayed into my mouth, I didn’t even worry about it. In fact, I let out my very own small moan.
Kissing Guy made up for every kiss I missed out on over the past three years.
Kissing Guy was like all the good bits of a hundred okay kisses, piled into one amazing one.
Kissing Guy made me feel like I wasn’t Evie any more. It marked the end of All That and the start of Normal.
Or so I hoped, I hoped, I hoped.
A loud clang of opening chords broke us apart – by lips only. Our faces were still crowded into each other’s. I turned in the direction of the college cafeteria, and saw the lights dim once more through the giant floor-to-ceiling windows.
“We’re missing the last band,” I said.
“I don’t care.”
He kissed me again – raining them down on my cheeks and my nose and my neck. He pushed back my hair to gain further access to my skin. I loved the look on his face – like he couldn’t believe his luck that he got to kiss me. That he was trying to make the most of it. I laughed and pulled back.
“Don’t you want to go back and see if you win?”
His face dropped slightly and my stomach with it. “We won’t have won.”
“You might’ve. You were really good.”
“How would you know? You missed most of our set.” I looked up at him and a twinge of pain danced behind his eyes. “Because you were with that bloke.”
“I wasn’t!” I protested. “I was…in the bathroom…
I drank too much. I felt a bit sick.”
Guy twisted his body away and leaned back against the wall.
“Whatever.”
Instantly I went into panic stations.
BAD THOUGHT
You’ve screwed it up. Of course you have, you always screw it up.
BAD THOUGHT
You missed his set because you were OCDing in the bathroom. Because you’re a massive freak.
BAD THOUGHT
Why did you think you could be normal? Why did you think you could have something good?
“I…I…” I didn’t know what to say. Guy used silence as punishment. My tummy tightened with the need to make it better, to make it right again. My hands already missed him and wanted to claim back their permission to touch him. My eyelids blinked in overtime, working hard to repress the tears banging on the door.
Please make it better, make it better, make it better.
He wouldn’t look at me. Before he could see me cry, I stood, dusting the mud off my jeans. “I’ll go back inside then,” I said.
“Whatever.”
No movement. I really was going to cry.
“Bye then…?” I hovered a few more seconds, just in case.
“Bye.”
I stumbled over the grass, letting the light of the cafeteria guide me back. The effort of holding in tears made it hard to breathe. I would just tell Jane I was leaving, then I would go home. And I could cry all I liked. And digest whatever the heck had happened.
Just as I was about to step out into the light, onto the courtyard, I heard him.
“Evie.”
I turned round, a bit pissed off. “What do you want, Guy?” I turned before he saw me cry.
“You.”
He grabbed me back and I swirled like a dancer into his arms. He pulled me right up against his chest and, with no introduction, he kissed me again. It was rough and delicious and he pushed me against the college wall, pinning me with his body. His hands started in my hair but moved down until he was stroking up my arms, pinning them behind me effortlessly with his. We kissed and kissed and kissed to the backdrop of an unknown band inside. I’d never been lost in any kind of moment before. I’d always noticed everything, my brain was always tick-tocking wherever I went, whatever I did. But, then, there, I was drowning in the moment. There were no thoughts, just feelings and tastes and sensations and me giggling so hard in Guy’s mouth all of a sudden that we had to stop.
He pulled back – looking half annoyed, half smiling at my laughter. “What is it?’
I giggled again. “Aren’t Joel and the others going to wonder where you are? You’re supposed to be in a competition.”
He trailed a finger up my arm to my shoulder, leaving a Hansel and Gretel trail of goosebumps as he went.
“Yeah, they’re probably wondering.” He broke into a grin. “That’s why we should leave. Now.” He pulled me away into the darkness. I laughed harder.