By the time I was done, the sun was rising.
Thirty-five
I woke up to no message from Guy.
Then I remembered.
BAD THOUGHT
You’ve not washed since yesterday.
BAD THOUGHT
You were lying on the GROUND.
BAD THOUGHT
Get in the shower, Evie. Get in, get in, GET IN.
I wrapped my bath towel around myself and pattered out onto the landing. Mum was waiting for me, a pile of laundry in her hands.
“I didn’t hear you come back last night,” she said.
“I made curfew, but it was still late.”
“Thank you. Did you have fun?”
“Yes.” I tried to sidestep past her. “I’m having a shower.”
She sidestepped too, blocking me like a bouncer. “Evie, I’m trying to talk to you.”
“Mum, I’m in a towel!”
I’d been pretty frantic already, but with her stopping me, the need was urgent. I need to do it, I need to do it. Now now now now now.
“I can see that.” Her eyes fell on my hands. Bugger! I’d forgotten to hide them under the towel. I went to pull them away but she’d already grabbed them.
“Evie, what the hell have you been doing to your hands? They’re red raw.”
“Mum, I’m going to be late.”
“Have you been washing them again?”
“Everyone washes their hands, Mum, unless they’re gross.”
Shower shower shower, I needed to get in that shower. Why was she stopping me, why? WHY? Tears pricked in my eyes. My hands shook in hers. They stung.
“You know that’s not what I mean.”
“It’s just the change in season!” I protested.
“Evelyn, I’m ringing Sarah first thing tomorrow to tell her. Thank God you’ve got an appointment booked in already.”
My mouth dropped open. “No!” Sarah would find out I was losing it again, and then they’d put me back on my meds and then I would’ve failed, and then I’d have to start recovery all over again. And that would mean they’d make me stop touching street lights…when I’d just worked out how to make my life good… The worst thing of all, they’d make me stop cleaning things again and I couldn’t, I wouldn’t. Not now. Not yet. Not when I’d just started living.
“I am.”
“Please, just let me take a shower.” I was crying now. She gave me this look, the one I hated, of trying to be kind but secretly hiding her disgust and disappointment, like she still couldn’t believe I couldn’t control myself. “I’m going to be late to meet my friends.”
“Do you need a shower?” Her voice was all stern. I hated her so much. I swear she enjoyed this tough-love thing.
“Yes, I do. Please!”
Begging, I was begging. How was I so happy just last night? If everyone would just leave me alone, and let me do what I wanted, then I’d be happy.
“When did you last shower?” she pressed.
No – she wasn’t going to do this. She wasn’t. “LEAVE ME ALONE.” I yelled it so loud she released my hands in shock. I took my chance and barged past her into the bathroom.
“Evie? Evie, NO.”
I locked the door, my heart thumping like mad. I dropped my towel and turned the water on. I was under it before it’d even warmed up, crying into the water streams, mixing my tears with my shampoo down the drain. Mum banged on the door but I started humming, tuning it out.
Now, Evie, you just need to make a really good lather, don’t you? The soap is antibacterial, so you’ll sterilize the top layer of your skin, and get rid of all yesterday’s horridness. Then, maybe if you use that apricot scrub? All over? You’ll open up your pores more, won’t you? Then use more antibacterial soap and that will get into the pores, making sure you’re getting it all out.
I did it, and it felt amazing.
I wanted to do it all over again. So I did.
The banging stopped, my crying subsided. I thought of perfectly valid reasons why Guy hadn’t messaged to keep my brain busy.
Perfectly valid reasons why Guy hadn’t messaged
1) His phone battery died.
2) He crashed at Joel’s, so has no access to a charger yet.
3) He felt no need to message because he said, “I had such a good night”, and that’s usually the sort of thing you would message.
4) He’s overwhelmed by the strength of his feelings and needs some space.
I lathered up for a third time, this round focusing on right under my fingernails and toenails. I sat on the floor of the shower so I wouldn’t lose my balance as I scrubbed viciously.
5) He…
The water ran stone cold and I gasped. It sent shockwaves through my body. I screamed. It was so cold. It had to stop. I tried to get to my feet but slipped over, icy cold water raining down on me as I clambered up again. I had to get to the tap – to make it stop. I leaned up and got there, pushing the tap towards the hot side, trying to make the warm come back. If anything, the water got colder. The door banging started again.
“Evie, get out before you freeze!” Mum yelled.
She’d turned the hot water off. The horrible horrible bitch.
My hands shook so hard I could barely push the tap off. With one last tug, I did, and dropped to the floor again, shivering uncontrollably.
“Evie, get out of there, right now!” My teeth chattered. I was still covered in soap. I hated her, I HATED HER. I wobbled out onto the lino, grabbed my towel and used it to scrape off the worst of the suds. The door banged again.
“All right, all right.” I could barely breathe I was so angry. I wrapped the towel around myself and flung open the door.
“HAPPY NOW?” I screamed into Mum’s face, before pushing past and padding angrily to my room.
“Evelyn, come back here. I’m worried about this. We need to talk.”
“No, I need to put some clothes on before I die of hypothermia,” I shouted, before slamming my bedroom door shut. The first thing I went for was my phone. Just in case he’d messaged when I was in the shower. It would all be fine if he’d messaged. It would all be okay if someone cared for me.
My phone screen was tauntingly empty.
I screamed and chucked it across my room. The screen smashed at the side as it clattered on my wooden floorboards.
Rose came in without knocking. “Evie, what’s going on? Mum’s crying in the hallway.”
“You better get away from me!” I yelled, loud enough so I knew Mum would hear. “Isn’t she scared I’ll give you ideas? That just being in my proximity will make you CRAZY TOO?”
“She’s just trying to help, Evie,” Rose said quietly.
“Oh, I knew you’d be on her side.” I chucked clothes onto myself – layer after layer to warm up. I caught a glimpse in the mirror and had a fleeting thought that was soon lost in the rage.
Fleeting thought
You’re looking a bit thin again, Evelyn.
I was supposed to maintain my weight, supposed to eat three meals a day. And, yeah, maybe I hadn’t been eating that much recently but I just wasn’t hungry. That, and, well, food can make you sick, can’t it? I pulled on an extra jumper and wrapped my scarf around myself six times.
“I’m on your side, we all are,” Rose said.
“You sound like a hostage negotiator.”
Her face crumpled up with hurt but I didn’t care. Anyway, I was more hurt! I could hardly see I was crying so hard.
“Where are you going?”
“Out.” I put on a bobble hat.
“Where out?”
“To see my friends.” We had a Spinster meeting planned at Lottie’s.
“Can’t you just sit and chat to us for a bit? Until Mum calms down? We’re worried about you, Evie.”
“No.”
“You’re making it worse.”
“Christ, Rose! Can’t you act your age for once? Can’t you be a normal sister and help me escape down the drainpipe? You’re such a goody-goody!”