I pushed through some fire doors and paced through the frosted college grounds, startling some squirrels.
What would happen at Guy’s tonight? I vaguely knew his plan…to get as close to having sex with me as I’d let him. Why was I going? Why wasn’t I going to see Sarah?
I wasn’t sure.
Maybe if I just convinced everyone I was normal I would convince myself and get better?
And I really liked him…I guessed.
I’d kissed him and not freaked out about germs. Was that love? When I was with him I forgot about rituals. Maybe love was the answer? Maybe if I slept with Guy and fell in love it would mend me, as love always mends everyone? I mean, look at all the movies I’d watched. Love always sorted those people right out. In An Affair to Remember, she gets all uncrippled because of love. In The Notebook love makes the old couple die at exactly the same time. In The Matrix, Trinity admitting she loves Neo brings him back from the dead. Let’s ignore Titanic… All stories are based on truth, so maybe someone loving me could mend my glitchy brain? Maybe just having that security would make me feel less insecure about the rest of the universe?
It was worth a try.
Bad but sensible thought
STI test STI test. How do I find out if he’s had an STI test?
Argh! I bent down on the jewelled grass and put my hands over my ears. My stupid brain! With its constant CONSTANT barrage of thoughts and what-ifs and worries and bullying.
I wished I could scream. I wished I could scream, right there, near the college smoking area, disturbing all the lessons. Just letting it out. Screaming. Getting rid of it all.
But I couldn’t.
So I made my hands bleed into the suds of the cheap soap from the college toilets.
Thirty-nine
It was so cold that nobody batted an eyelid when I came into the cafeteria with my gloves still on. Jane sat on Joel’s lap, playfully tugging his long hair into plaits while he pretended he didn’t like it. Amber and Lottie giggled over a sheet of paper, their art supplies spread out all over the table.
Guy wasn’t there.
“Hey,” I said, dropping my bag down. “What’s so funny?”
Lottie looked up and smiled hello. “We’re painting Jane and Joel’s love child.”
Jane beamed over the table. “They won’t let us see until it’s done.”
I pulled up a chair next to Amber and looked at their masterpiece. I almost snorted. They’d drawn this hideous baby with Joel’s gross ponytail and given it Jane’s full lips. The baby had a speech bubble that said, “I worship the devil.”
Jane picked up on my almost-snort. “What? Is it bad?”
Amber gave me a look. “It’s lovely,” I said, my voice all high-pitched from lying.
“Our children would be so cute,” Jane told Joel and his eyes bulged a little with panic. Or maybe I imagined it.
“Where were you this morning?” Amber asked with a sigh. She put white paint on her brush and carefully dabbed over the most offensive bits of her painting.
Umm, kissing Guy in an alleyway.
“I walked in with Guy. He lives round the corner from me.”
Joel looked up and peered at me inquisitively. I stared back, trying to read his mind. They were best friends. Had Guy ever mentioned me? Told him he liked me?
Amber just looked unimpressed. “Did he manage to make it until 9 a.m. before he got high?”
“Umm, no,” I admitted. “Where is he anyway?” I asked, as naturally as I could. The result was an operatic voice that squeaked.
“Around,” Joel answered. He paused for a moment, really looking at me. “I’d be careful, Evie…” he started to say, but we were interrupted by Lottie’s giggles. I looked at the painting again, wondering what Joel had been about to say. Careful about what? Guy? Why? Did he have an STI? Lottie giggled again. Amber’d just given the love child a Hitler moustache, though they’d painted over the rest of the bad stuff.
Jane looked over. “What is it? Let me see,” and she grabbed it from them. She was quiet for a moment, then she burst out laughing.
“Joel, honey, look! Our child is Adolf.”
Joel looked away from me, glanced at it, and chuckled.
“I love it,” Jane said, beaming at both of them.
“Ahhh, man,” Amber said. “If I knew you could take a joke so well, I would’ve left the ‘I worship the devil’ speech bubble.”
Jane laughed harder. “You should’ve given it Joel’s ponytail.”
Amber went red. “I did!”
“I can’t believe you lost your nerve. Our love child feels let down.”
“I…er…” Amber struggled for words. It was nice to watch her like Jane against her will. Like Amber was an iceberg and Jane was a hairdryer – slowly melting chunks off her.
I looked around for Guy. I felt sick when I thought about the upcoming evening. I also felt determined. And a little bit excited. Mostly sick… Maybe I was coming down with something? The air in the canteen was muggy with crammed-in bodies, condensation dripped off the giant glass windows and obscured the view of the frosted football fields outside. Did someone just sneeze? Did they have a cold? Would I catch it? I couldn’t have a cold. I couldn’t be sick for tonight.
I sniffed. It did feel a bit blocked. Oh God – I was getting a cold!
Lottie looked up at me – I hadn’t realized I’d been drumming my gloved hands on the table.
“You okay, Evie? You’re playing the drums of inner distress.”
“I’m fine.”
I wasn’t fine. Nothing was fine. I was going to get a cold and then be too snotty for Guy and lose my chance to sleep with him and make myself normal. And then I’d go home and they’d march me back to the psychiatric clinic and drug me up and tell me I’d had a relapse and that would mean I’d always get sick and I’d always be sick…
My chest rose and fell dramatically with short sharp breaths.
“Evie?” Lottie put her hand on top of mine to stop the drumming. Maybe she had a cold? Could she be putting it on my gloves? I couldn’t wipe my face now. Her germs would jump from my gloves and incubate in my nose and make me sick and ruin everything. “Seriously, are you okay? You’ve gone white.”
I ignored her. I needed an action plan.
My action plan
1) Go into town and buy that nasal spray stuff that kills colds in their tracks,
2) Put half of the bottle up each nostril, just to be safe,
3) Take some ibuprofen to ward off the headache the overdose of nasal spray will no doubt give me,
4) Burn the gloves,
5) Find something to cover my scabby hands with once the gloves are burned,
6) Maybe go to my English lesson,
7) Message Mum and Dad to reassure them I’ll meet them in the car park,
8) Maybe skip English so I can wash myself in the college bathroom and smell nice for Guy,
9) Meet him after English,
10) Escape out the back way of college so parents don’t see me,
11) Go to Guy’s. Dazzle him with my effortless charm,
12) Somehow get him to show me valid proof he doesn’t have an STI,
13) Sleep with him?????
14) Realize I’m just like everyone else,
15) Walk home with a loving boyfriend, knowing I’m miraculously cured. Explain to Mum and Dad that I don’t need to see Sarah any more,
16) Be like everyone else, for ever.
I couldn’t feel Lottie’s hand on mine. My mind was raced and jumped and bullied and hurt. I watched Jane and Amber giggling across the table. I watched Joel playing on his phone. I watched groups of friends, scattered on tables, joking and studying and chatting and piss-taking and just living living living.