It was like a thin veil floated between Me and Them.
They were on one side – Side Normal.
I was on the other.
“Eves?” Lottie jolted me back.
I batted her hand away and gave her my best “I’m fine, really” smile.
“I’m all good, I promise.”
Then I left. I had some nasal spray to buy.
Forty
He didn’t message all day. I panicked about why that might be.
He’s gone off you.
He’s changed his mind.
It was all a joke.
He saw you throw a perfectly good pair of gloves into a public bin.
He saw you tap every street light in town on the way back from the pharmacy.
He doesn’t think you’ll put out.
He ran into Oli and Oli told him you were crazy.
I didn’t go to afternoon lessons. Instead I paced the empty corridors of college – wringing my ruined hands, dashing to the bathroom to check my hair and make-up and rub stinging soap into my open sores. Wincing, crying. Having to put my make-up back on again. My stomach was in knots – the type you get a scouting badge for. Maybe I really was getting ill? I kept needing the loo, which meant re-contaminating myself and having to wash again.
There was no sense left. It had deserted me. Fled. Run away to claim asylum in a neighbouring body. In last period, when I should’ve been in English, I walked the halls, running my newly gloved finger along the wall.
BAD THOUGHT
If I can make it round the whole English block without my finger leaving this wall, Guy and I will work out.
I didn’t see Amber heading straight for me. We collided like snooker balls, her mass of fiery hair flicking into my face. My hand lost contact with the wall.
PANIC PANIC PANIC.
I dusted myself off as quickly as possible and put it straight back, hoping a two second blip didn’t undo the spell.
“Evie? What are you doing? Why aren’t you in lessons?” Amber asked, straightening her coat that had got crumpled in the collision. “And, oww, by the way. That hurt. For someone so small, you have really hard bones.”
“Amber, hi.” I leaned back into the wall so she couldn’t see me holding onto it. “What are you doing out of class?”
“I’ve got the dentist.” She narrowed her eyes. “And I asked you first.”
“Me? Oh…I just felt like skiving, that’s all.”
“You? Skiving? Miss Goody-Goody A-Star Lady.”
“Yeah.”
“Evie.” She grabbed my coat and I flinched, backing into the wall. “Can we talk?”
“Don’t you need to be getting to the dentist?” My voice wobbled.
“In a sec. Evelyn, what are you up to tonight? Guy turned up after you left at lunch. I heard him tell Joel you’re going round his later.”
“Well maybe I am.”
“What? How? Even though he didn’t message you the whole weekend?”
“It’s fine.”
Amber got closer, her hair almost tickling me. “Is it though? I’m trying to back off, Evie, I really am. But you’re not making it very easy. I was chatting to Joel about Guy, and he said he’s been a bit weird after his parents divorced last year. It might not be the wisest thing to get involved with him. And Lottie and I are worried about you. You seem really wound up…”
“You guys have been speaking about me behind my back?”
BAD THOUGHT
Discussing what a freak you are.
Discussing how to ditch you without hurting your feelings.
Laughing.
Jeering.
“Yes, we have,” Amber said simply. “We’re both concerned about what Guy’s doing to you.”
“He likes me.”
“He has a funny way of showing it.”
I didn’t agree. He’d kissed me, hadn’t he? That was showing it. He’d looked after me at that party – that was showing it.
“I’m fine,” I repeated, tapping the wall desperately behind my back. One two three four five six one two three four five six.
“Look, you know we’re here for you whatever. Just, be careful, okay?”
“I’m always careful.”
Too careful. That’s the problem.
She gave me a weak smile and let go of my coat. “Well, I’d better go get my mouth attacked by a sadist wielding a drill.”
“Make sure your dental practice sterilizes the equipment properly,” I said, suddenly worried for her. “You don’t want them putting a glove covered in someone else’s saliva into your mouth.” I went to grab her, to get her to realize the urgency of it…but I couldn’t bring myself to touch her.
Amber screwed up her face. “Eww, gross. Now I’m really looking forward to going to the dentist. Cheers, Evie.”
She turned to leave but I changed my mind and grabbed her at the last moment, pulling her back. This involved letting go of the wall.
BAD THOUGHT
You’re going to have to start all over again.
“Wait,” I said. “You can ask them what their sterilization procedure is. They’ll tell you. And if you really kick up a fuss, they’ll show you their cleaning machine and you can check for yourself.”
“Riiiiiight.”
BAD THOUGHT
Weirdo weirdo weirdo. You’re being a complete weirdo.
I let go. “You know…just some people worry about that sort of thing.”
“Evie, are you really all right?” Her voice was so calm, so full of care, it made me look right at her. Her eyes were soft. With the low winter sun streaming through the hall window, it lit her red hair up like an angel in a stained glass window. She put her hand on my arm. I was trembling.
“I…I…I dunno.”
“I don’t have to go to the dentist, you know?” she said quietly. “It’s not like I’m looking forward to it. We can get a coffee somewhere? Chat?”
“I…”
Amber’s eye’s flickered past my head and she frowned. I turned and saw the object of her disgust.
Guy sauntered down the corridor, all swaggery, with bloodshot eyes. My heart went mental. I completely let go of the wall.
“Well if it isn’t Evelyn Crane,” he said, drawing to a halt and draping an arm over me. His touch was like a calming tonic. The day’s nerves melted away and dripped into a puddle on the polished squeaky floor.
Well, most of my nerves.
“You ready to go, Eves?” I couldn’t believe he had his arm around me. In front of Amber. Like he wasn’t embarrassed.
Amber!
“Evelyn?” Amber’s voice sounded like a teacher’s – the “lyn” bit all harsh. “We can still go for a coffee.”
Guy looked confused. Just as he was about to say something, I jumped in.
“Amber’s just going to the dentist,” I said, all bossy, like it was a command. I mouthed “Thank you” at her over his shoulder.
She’d understand, right? I’d made plans with Guy first. And she did need to go to the dentist. It sort of grossed me out she was due to go. That meant it had been at least six months since Amber had got her mouth professionally cleaned. I’d used a glass at her house once.
The bell went. And though it went off every day, it still startled us. Classroom doors opened and students spilled out like an upturned carton of milk.
“Yes,” Amber said. “I’m just on my way to the dentist.”
“Gutted.” Guy drew me in close with his elbow, pushing my head into his neck. “Come on, Evelyn, let’s go.”
“Right,” I said and my heart became a drumbeat of nerves and confusion and fear. “Can we go out the back entrance? I need to pick something up from my locker.”
And my parents are waiting out front for me…