“Listen,” she snapped. “If there’s any pawing done around here, I’ll do it, understand?”
Rex Ravelle shook his head, for clarity, and slumped into a chair. “Holy Jumping Zen,” he complained. “What hit me?”
“What in the name of the Goddess is going on here?” the major said from the entry. Behind her was Captain Buchwald.
“Aw, nothing,” Lysippe grumbled. “Sweetie, here, got a little unmanly and I had to tap him.”
The major said, “Effeminate cloddy.”
Guy cleared his throat. “Uh, Major, I think I’ve got a solution. This problem of my landing on Amazonia and being subjected to Amazonian law.”
“That you would be, Sonny, and you’re of marriageable age, too.”
“Don’t you ever make exceptions to these laws of yours?”
“No,” the major said flatly. “Laws you make exceptions to, don’t remain laws very long. We don’t have many laws, but those we have are not only laws but also religious beliefs, unchanging custom, never to be broken except to be punishable with greatest severity. In that manner our laws are observed.”
“But look. Why can’t I simply base myself at the UP Embassy? Traditionally, an embassy is the soil of the planet being represented. So if I was there, I would be subject to United Planets law, rather than Amazonian.”
The major looked at him sourly. “Just one short coming to that, Sonny. There is no UP Embassy on Amazonia.”
Guy said, “But there has to be. You’re a member of United Planets. You have an embassy on Earth. UP must have one here.”
“I didn’t say we didn’t have a UP Embassy, I said there wasn’t one on our planet. We make no exceptions to our laws. If UP personnel landed on Amazonia, the men would be subject to our marriage laws. The women, between the ages of eighteen and thirty, would be subject to our military draft. Consequently, it was necessary that the UP Embassy be placed on an artificial satellite orbiting our planet. The personnel seldom, if ever, comes down to the surface. We conduct all business by our representatives ferrying up to them.”
She looked at Guy thoughtfully. “Could you handle your business from a satellite orbiting Amazonia?”
“I don’t think so,” he said weakly. “I’m afraid I might have to be seeing your mines, your smelting facilities, that sort of ting.”
Minythyia entered, scowling.
The major said, “Well?”
“Could I speak to you alone, Madam?”
“Come out here into the companionway.”
As they left, Minythyia tipped Guy Thomas a wink. The trade expediter groaned softly.
The Captain looked at him. “How’d you get yourself into this mess?”
“I volunteered.” He looked very unhappy.
Rex Ravelle, who had finally recovered from his brief bout with Lysippe, growled, “You’d think those flats back on Earth would have known better than to send a man. Don’t they have any curves they could have given the assignment? You heard what she said. Just like Jerry told you. Go down there and you’ll wind up in some muscle bound mopsy’s harem and she’ll most likely get drunk every Saturday night and come home and beat the bejazus out of you.”
“Very funny, Mister Ravelle,” the captain said.
“You think I was kidding?” Rex muttered, rubbing the side of his swollen face.
Clete said, “What’s the matter with you boys, don’t you believe in marriage? I thought a boy didn’t really feel fulfilled until a warrior took him under her wing.”
Guy Thomas looked at her in agony.
“Easy, Clete,” Lysippe said compassionately. “You’ve embarrassed the poor fella.”
The major came in, Minythyia trailing behind looking resentful.
“All right,” the Amazon officer said. “This is the way it will be. From, your papers, Guy Thomas, you’re a single man well into marriageable age. By Paphlagonian law you are subject to be chosen by any citizen whose gynaeceum includes less than three husbands.”
“You mean I don’t have anything to say about it?”
“Of course you have something to say, Cutey,” Minythyia told him soothingly. “If some old drunken brawler chooses you and you don’t like her, you can always appeal to any other warrior of your choice to take you into her gynaeceum. That is, of course, if she has fewer than three husbands.” She added, smiling encouragingly at him. “I haven’t any at all. Can you kiss the way they do on the Tri-Di shows made on Earth, Cutey?”
“Shut up, Minythyia,” the major rapped. “I’ll explain this.”
“I won’t land!” Guy blurted. He shut his mouth stubbornly.
The Amazon officer sighed. “We’ve got it all figured out,” she said. “Obviously, if your job is going to be done, you’ve not only got to land in Themiscyra but travel about Paphlagonia. And the you’ve got to return to Avalon and Earth to complete the barter deal. We’re not any more interested in your being married by some semi-pervert sex bitch who likes off-beat men such as effeminate types from other planets, than you are.”
“Stop calling me effeminate! Why not just pass a rule that I’m unmarriageable?” Guy demanded desperately.
“I told you. On Amazonia, a law is a law and there are no exceptions. The Goddess Artimis would frown on any attempt to subvert her holy marriage laws. But this is what we’ll do. We’ll seclude you. Clete and Lysippe will guard you.”
“How about me?” Minythyia said.
“Shut up,” the major rapped. “I don’t trust you. I don’t think your patriotism would stand up under the provocation of being in constant proximity to a cute trick like Guy, here—no matter how badly Paphlagonia needs columbium.”
Minythyia’s face was petulant. “I’m just as human as the next warrior.”
Clete chuckled. “That’s prettty damn human, since I’m standing next to you. But I’ve got two men, and they’d probably scratch Guy’s eyes out if I brought him home. Besides, he’s too feminine for me. I like my men soft and willing.” She leered at the Earthling.
“Knock it, you two,” the major said. She looked back at Guy Thomas. “We’ll hide you and we’ll guard you. We’ll keep you away from predatory men-seekers to the extent we can. You want to take the chance?”
Guy Thomas swallowed.
Rex Ravelle chuckled idiotically. The captain glowered at him.
Guy choked out, “I’ve got to. It’s my big chance.”
“All right,” the major snapped decisively. “Remember, stay away from warriors. Stick to the company of the men we’ll quarter you with. Don’t ever go out unless Lysippe and Clete are along to run interference. Themiscyra is man-short since a Lybian raid we had six months ago; half the newly emerged warriors are on the prowl, looking for somebody to keep up their homes.”
Guy Thomas said, an element of plaint in his voice. “I’m missing some things here. What’re Themiscyra and Paphlagonia, and what are Lybians?”
Clete grunted disgust. “Don’t you know anything about Amazonian affairs back on Earth?”
The major summed it up briefly. “Amazonia is divided into two major continents, Pahlagonia and Lybia. Our capital city is Themiscyra, theirs is Chersonesus.” She shrugged under her heavy cloak. “We’re often at peace, but just recently relations are, uh, strained due to the raids they’ve been pulling to capture men.”
Rex said, “Don’t they have their own men?”
The major looked at him as though the question was too silly to bother answering, but then said, “The Goddess allows each warrior three husbands.”
Clete chuckled and said, “The idea is, you have one to take care of the house, one to raise the children, and one—”
“Shut up, Clete,” the major rapped, “you’ll have these boys blushing.” It was two full twenty-four hour periods before Guy Thomas was allowed to land. They had explained to him that they would have to make arrangements for his secretive entry into the land of the Amazons. The government had evidently quickly brushed aside the fact that he was male, although they had been surprised. They wanted Niobium and they wanted it both quickly and badly.