‘Of course not.’ She laughed. ‘You’d be an ideal husband.’
‘I’d wash every sock in the house.’
‘Sure.’
‘I’d burn all the socks and buy new ones each week.’
‘Mm-hmm.’
‘I’d forgo socks altogether, if it would make you happy.’
Lydia laughed in spite of herself. She’d learned to roll her eyes at these proclamations because, in the weather of their friendship, his flirtation was only a passing cloud. There were far more important storms between them. They discovered, for example, that both of their fathers had died young from cancer, a fact that would’ve bonded them all by itself. They’d both had good dads, and then lost them.
‘It’s like being a member of the shittiest club in the world,’ Javier said to her.
For Lydia, it had been nearly fifteen years, and though her sorrow was now irregular, when she did stumble into it, her grief was still as acute as the day her father had died.
‘I know,’ Javier said, even though she didn’t say these things out loud.
So she endured his intense flattery, and he, in turn, accepted, perhaps even relished, her wholesale rejection of his flirtation. She came to think of it as part of his charm.
‘But, Lydia,’ he told her reverently, placing both hands on his heart, ‘my other loves notwithstanding, you truly are la reina de mi alma.’ The queen of my soul.
‘And what would your poor wife say about that?’ she countered.
‘My magnificent wife only wants me to be happy.’
‘She’s a saint!’
He spoke frequently of his only child, a sixteen-year-old daughter who was at boarding school in Barcelona. Everything about him changed when he talked about her – his voice, his face, his manner. His love for her was so earnest that he handled even the subject of her with tremendous care. Her name was like a fine glass bauble he was afraid of dropping.
‘I joke about my many loves, but in truth, there is only one.’ He smiled at Lydia. ‘Marta. Es mi cielo, mi luna, y todas mis estrellas.’
‘I am a mother.’ Lydia nodded. ‘I know this love.’
He sat across from her on the stool she’d come to think of as his. ‘That love is so vast I sometimes fear it,’ he said. ‘I can never hope to earn it, so I fear it will disappear, it will consume me. And at the same time, it’s the only good thing I’ve ever done in my life.’
‘Oh, Javier – that can’t be true,’ Lydia said.
The subject made him morose. He shook his head, rubbed his eyes roughly beneath the glasses.
‘It’s just that my life hasn’t turned out as I intended,’ he said. ‘You know how it is.’
But she didn’t. After weeks of learning about each other, this was where their common language faltered. With the exception of having only one child, Lydia’s life had turned out precisely as she’d always wished it might. She’d given up hoping for the daughter she could no longer have; she’d accepted that absence because she’d worked at it. She was content with her choices, more than content. Lydia was happy. But Javier looked at her through the warp of his lenses, and she could see the yearning on his face, to be understood. She pressed her lips together. ‘Tell me,’ she said.
He removed the glasses and folded the stems. He placed them in his breast pocket and blinked, his eyes small and raw without their accustomed shield. ‘I thought I would be a poet!’ He laughed. ‘Ridiculous, right? In this day and age?’
She put her hand on top of his.
‘I thought I would be a scholar. A quiet life. I’d do quite well with poverty, I think.’
She twisted her mouth, touching the elegant watch on his wrist. ‘I’m dubious.’
He shrugged. ‘I guess I do like shoes.’
‘And steak,’ she reminded him.
He laughed. ‘Yes, steak. Who doesn’t like steak?’
‘Your book habit alone would bankrupt most people.’
‘Dios mío, you’re right, Lydia. I’d be a terrible pauper.’
‘The worst,’ she agreed. After a beat she said, ‘It’s never too late, Javier. If you’re truly unhappy? You’re still a young man.’
‘I’m fifty-one!’
Younger than she thought, even. ‘Practically a baby. And what have you got to be so unhappy about anyway?’
He looked down at the counter and Lydia was surprised to see genuine torment cross his features.
She lowered her voice and leaned in. ‘Then you could choose a different path, Javier. You can. You’re such a gifted person, such a capable person. What’s stopping you?’
‘Ah.’ He shook his head, replacing his glasses. She watched him pushing his face back into its customary shapes. ‘It’s all a romantic dream now. It’s over. I made my choices long ago, and this is where they’ve led me.’
She squeezed his hand. ‘It’s not so bad, right?’ It was something she’d say to Luca, to shepherd him toward optimism.
Javier blinked slowly, tipped his head to one side. An ambiguous gesture. ‘It will have to do.’
She straightened up behind the counter and took a sip of her lukewarm coffee. ‘Your choices yielded Marta.’
His eyes shined. ‘Yes, Marta,’ he said. ‘And you.’
The next time he came, he brought a box of conchas and sat in his usual place. There were several customers in the shop, so he opened the box and placed two of the sweet treats on napkins while Lydia walked the aisles helping people with their requests. When they approached the counter to pay for their goods, Javier greeted them as if he worked there. He offered them conchas. When at last Lydia and Javier were alone, he withdrew a small Moleskine notebook from the interior pocket of his jacket and set it on the counter as well.
‘What’s this?’ Lydia asked.
Javier swallowed nervously. ‘My poetry.’
Lydia’s eyes grew wide with delight.
‘I’ve never shared it with anyone except Marta,’ he said. ‘She’s studying poetry in school. And French and mathematics. She’s much more gifted than her old papá.’
‘Oh, Javier.’
He touched the corner of the book nervously. ‘I’ve been writing poems all my life. Since I was a child. I thought you might like to hear one.’
Lydia pulled her stool closer to the counter and leaned toward him, her chin resting on her propped and folded hands. Between them, the conchas stained their napkins with grease. Javier opened the book, its pages soft from wear. He leafed carefully through them until he came to the page he had in mind. He cleared his throat before he began.
Oh, the poem was terrible. It was both grave and frivolous, so bad that it made Lydia love him much, much more, because of how vulnerable he was in sharing it with her. When he finished reading and looked up for her reaction, his face was a twist of worry. But her eyes were bright and reassuring, and she genuinely meant the words she gave him in that moment.
‘How beautiful. How very beautiful.’
The maturing friendship with Javier was surprising in its swiftness and intensity. The flirtation had mostly ceased, and in its place, she discovered an intimacy she’d seldom experienced outside of family. There was no feeling of romance on Lydia’s end, but their bond was refreshing. Javier reminded her, in the middle of her mothering years, that life was exciting, that there was always the possibility of something, or someone, previously undiscovered.
On her birthday, a day Lydia did not recall revealing to him, Javier arrived with a silver parcel the size of a book. The ribbon said, jacques genin.
‘The principal chocolatier in Paris,’ Javier explained.