Tommy loved it, would do a toke first thing in the morning. I’d be making tea and he’d already have a shit-kicking grin in place. I knew he liked to keep a line from reality, would take anything, Valium, booze, ludes, grass, to maintain the barrier against the world, said to me,
“Life sucks.”
Mostly I agreed but felt you needed all your faculties to stay afloat. Siobhan had remarked,
“He’s the brother you never had.”
I’d always thought I looked out for Tommy, walked point to his fragile life. When he’d taken the bullet in the face, my whole charade had nearly come crashing down, a thousand times since I’d muttered,
“You should have seen Stapleton coming.”
In granite moments I added,
“Who could have seen him coming?”
I was outside the hotel now, waiting to grab a cab, and the oddest thing, a mangy cat shot out from behind a parked car, dashed across the street, narrowly avoiding being crushed by a van and I swear, before he disappeared into an alley, he paused, looked right at me, then took off.
I felt a shiver down my spine, recalling a story Tommy had told me.
Tommy had brief passions with various things, a book one day, then a movie or a song; for a while, it would be all he could talk about, then just as quickly, he’d drop it, never show the slightest interest again. In Brooklyn he discovered a small bookstore, found a Bukowski and bingo, his new mania. Regaling me morning noon and night with the genius of the guy.
We were in the apartment one night, trying to decide where we’d go for the crack... crack being Irish for fun and almost no relation to the drug. I was at the door, ready to roll, Tommy was slugging from a bottle of Miller, reading, I said,
“You’re reading now!”
He didn’t even look up, said,
“Listen... the only battle is to remain as alive as possible.”
With more than a little acid in my tone, I said,
“Gee, I’ll try to remember that.”
He chucked the empty bottle at the waste bin, missed, said,
“Charlie says—”
I interrupted, knowing I was seriously irritating him, asked,
“Whoa, mate, who the hell is Charlie?”
He gave me a look of real hatred,
“Bukowski, haven’t you been listening, jeez, Steve, you need to get with the program... anyway, he says, anybody can go the way of Dylan Thomas, Ginsberg, Corso, Behan, Leary, Creeley, just sliding down that river of shit, the idea is creation not adulation, the idea is a man in a room alone hacking at a stone and not sucking at the tits of the ground.”
We were flush with money, the building site was paying our freight in every way. Tommy hailed a cab, told the driver,
“The Lower East side, let us out at Orchard Street.”
I asked him,
“What’s with that?”
He grimaced, well fed up with me, said,
“It’s where Charlie would head.”
When we got out of the cab, we moved onto Delancey Street, and the best I can say about it is, it’s a rundown boulevard. I could just about see the Williamsburg Bridge but Tommy ignored that, turned into a dark-looking bar. Being Irish wasn’t going to help, the place had an air of hostility, Tommy said,
“Feel the vibe.”
It was impossible not to, rife with tension. Tommy ordered a couple of boilermakers and we got a table near the window. I could see the dirty looks we were getting from various guys at the counter. Tommy was oblivious, sank the whiskey, said,
“I could do that.”
I was distracted, watching the guys watching us, asked,
“Do what, drink like Bukowski?”
He was quiet and I turned, saw his face, disappointment, hurt, writ large. I tried to rally, asked,
“What’s that, seriously, I want to know?”
But he wouldn’t be drawn, withdrew into himself, began to drink like... Bukowski?
We did a few more rounds and a guy came over, swagger in his eyes, a pool cue in his hand, asked,
“You faggots not talking to each other?”
Tommy was never built for combat, that was my department, if the need arose. He was out of his chair in the blink of an eye, had the guy pinned against the wall, going,
“Do you have a fucking death wish, answer me, you bollix?”
I got him off the guy and we got out of there without any more hassle. I hailed a cab and we got distance and fast, lest they have a change of heart. Tommy was wringing his hands, said,
“I wanted to kill that fucker.”
I got him back to the apartment, poured him a large Jameson, our final bottle of duty free, and he began to roll a joint, said,
“I need to chill out.”
I had a Miller, always lots of that in the apartment, Tommy bought it by the case from one of the guys on the site. I put on some music, seemed like a Tom Waits moment and Tommy nodded his head as he heard the strangled voice, he smoked the joint, did the last of the Jameson, then hunched over, asked,
“I ever tell you about my cat?”
“What?”
He wasn’t listening to me, he was telling this to the void, continued,
“When I was a kid, young, we had a mangy cat, real street urchin, feisty little bastard, fight with anyone, lost an eye in one encounter, didn’t stop him, he continued to mix it up.”
He looked at me but wasn’t really seeing me, said,
“Scrawny little tyke, he loved me, straight up, he’d scratch the bejaysus out of most people, but me, he frigging liked me big-time.”
There was wonder in his voice, as if any creature could feel such about him. I wanted to jump in, stayed silent lest I break the mood, he sighed.
“One day, he pawed at the door to get out, I thought he was on his usual patrol, roust the locals. Thing is, he was going to die.”
Tommy fixed his eyes on me, asked,
“Did you know that, that they go off alone to die?”
I shook my head.
He peered into his empty glass, stood up to get some brew, said,
“Who cares, right, damn cat, the world is full of them.”
An hour or so later, I called it a night and for a while, I could hear him singing along to Tom... then finally, he headed for his bed, stood over me for a moment, whispered,
“The thing, the thing I wanted to be... is a poet.”
I didn’t know how to reply and even after all this time, I still don’t know. I do know I should have said something.
“I was sitting in a bar on Western Avenue. It was
around midnight and I was in my usual confused
state. I mean, you know, nothing works right; the
women, the jobs, the no jobs, the weather, the
dogs. Finally you just sit in a stricken state and
wait like you’re on the bus stop bench waiting for
death.
— CHARLES BUKOWSKI, “No Way to Paradise.”
I hailed a cab outside the hotel, gave him the address. The driver had a pack of Salems beside his coffee holder, reached over, got one going, then asked,
“You care if I smoke?”
No smoking decals were plastered on every available space, I said,
“Knock yourself out.”
And got the look. Nice to know some expressions were universal; he must have felt an explanation was necessary, said,
“You’re wondering what’s with the menthol, am I right?”
I was wondering why he wouldn’t shut the fuck up, he said,
“See, I got this, like... throat cancer, you know what I’m saying?”
How complex was it? I grunted in a noncommittal way, you can’t encourage them. They’re off and running anyway, you show a fraction of interest, they’re all over you like the proverbial bad suit. A statue of the Virgin was on the dash, with numerous Rosary beads, medals, relics. He used his cig to indicate the Madonna, asked,