I only seem to have questions today.
I was knackered, and my leg was unmentionable, so I stayed in and read all day. Then I made dinner for Auntie Teg for when she came home from school—baked mushrooms with onions and cheese and cream, and jacket potatoes with more cheese, and peas. She said how nice it was, and that she supposed men got that every day, if they had a wife, and what she needed wasn’t a husband who would expect that but a wife who would do it. It was lovely to be cooking with actual food. There’s something so grounding about it. It’s not that I was doing any magic, beyond the magic it is to take big flat mushrooms and raw potatoes and turn them into something totally delicious. I was just making dinner. But I wonder how much of cooking for someone else is magic anyway, more than I know about. I think it might all be. Auntie Teg’s dishes don’t like me any more than Persimmon does. The knives and peelers don’t cut me, but they turn awkward in my hands. They know I’m not the person supposed to be using them.
There’s supposed to be a Heinlein fantasy novel called Glory Road. That would be something! I wonder if Daniel has it? If not, there’s always blessed interlibrary loan.
Friday 2nd November 1979
I went up to Aberdare again on the bus today. There wasn’t so much as a sniff of Mor or any fairy, though I kept getting the feeling they were disappearing as soon as I looked for them and appearing just where I couldn’t see them. That’s a game, of course, but I didn’t want to play it. I wanted answers, though I should know how impossible it is to get straight answers from them, even when they want something, which clearly they don’t just at the moment.
I went to Grampar’s house. I still have the front door key, though it’s stiffer than ever, and terribly hard to get in. Auntie Teg keeps it clean, but it was kind of dusty and unused-smelling even so. It’s a very little house, crammed in between two others. When Auntie Florrie lived there it didn’t have a bathroom, the bath was in the kitchen, and the toilet was a ty bach, outside. It was like that when my great-grandparents lived there too. My grandfather put in proper plumbing when he moved back in. I quite liked the bath in the kitchen, next to the coal fire. It was surprisingly cosy. But I used to hate going outside to the toilet, especially at night.
He moved in there after Mor died to get away from my mother. Everyone runs away from her. I didn’t officially ever live there. I officially lived with her. I even sometimes spent some time living with her, when she insisted, but mostly I didn’t, while Grampar was all right. I had my own bedroom, with my bed from home and the blue box. Most of my books and clothes were in her house, but I found a woolly jumper of Mor’s and my denim shorts with a lion on, and a copy of Destinies. Destinies is an American science fiction magazine that comes in paperback books, and they stock it in Lears and I love it. I bought the new one—”April-June”—there on Monday. I’m saving it to read on the train.
So I left a few books. I know I won’t be able to get them until Christmas, but they’re really piling up, and I’m pretty sure I won’t want to re-read the ones I left any time soon. There isn’t much room at school. Anyway, even if I miss them, I like them being there. If Grampar gets well enough to come out of Fedw Hir and go home, I can go home too. Daniel doesn’t actually care, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind. I feel as if I don’t actually live anywhere, and I hate that. The thought that there are eight books on the windowsill in my room in alphabetical order is comforting. It’s magic, too, it’s a magic link. My mother can’t get in there, and even if she could, they’re books. You can’t do magic with books unless they’re very special copies—and if she could, she already has all the rest of mine. She has all too much of mine, but there’s no way of getting it from her.
If I defeated her again, and I think I did, will she want revenge? It wasn’t at all like last time. It’s weirdly anticlimactic, especially since I can’t find Glorfindel to ask him the nine million questions I have.
I couldn’t lock the front door again. I locked it from inside and went out the back, then put the back door key in through the letterbox. I’ve told Auntie Teg, who’ll be the next person to come in.
I saw Moira and Leah and Nasreen after they got out of school this afternoon. They asked me what Arlinghurst was like, and I didn’t tell them, except for superficial things. Leah has got a boyfriend, Andrew who used to be so good at maths in Park School when we were all little. I said that and Moira said some of us were still little. She’s had a growth spurt. I wonder if I will. I’ve been the same height since I was twelve, when we were the tallest in the class, but now almost everyone has passed me. They told me all the gossip. Dorcas, who always used to be top in French and Welsh and whose parents are some kind of nutty religion, Seventh-day Adventists or something, has got pregnant. Sue has left because her parents were moving to England. It felt really normal, but also really weird, as if I was just pretending.
Back to Shrewsbury tomorrow, just when they’re going to be out of school and we could have done something together.
Saturday 3rd November 1979
The Crewe train is much smaller than the London train. It has a corridor and little carriages that seat eight, on sort of benches across from each other. There’s a luggage rack up above, and black and white photographs of places—in my carriage Newton Abbot, which I’ve never heard of. I wonder where it is? It looks nice. For most of the way I had the carriage to myself, though a middle-aged lady and her two children got on in Abergavenny and off in Hereford. They didn’t bother me much. Most of the time I alternated looking out of the window and reading, first my Destinies and then I started Spider Robinson’s Callahan’s Crosstime Saloon, which I also bought in Lears.
The train runs up the Welsh border. Once it gets away from Cardiff and Newport it’s all hills and fields as it goes up through the borders. The sun was in and out, in a fitful autumnal way, with that odd autumn afternoon light that looks almost like an underwater colour. The clouds made patches of darkness on the mountains, and when there was a patch of sun the grass seemed almost luminous, as if you could read by it. You can see the Sugarloaf from the train. Well, it’s a very distinctive mountain. We used to go to Abergavenny sometimes, and there was a song we’d sing in the car, “Over the hills to Abergavenny, hoping the weather’ll be fine.” It gave me a warm feeling to see it, even just the railway station and the hills behind. I’ll mention going through it to Grampar when I write. After Abergavenny the train crosses the border into England somewhere, because Hereford is in England, and Ludlow definitely is. Ludlow is a little market town. It looks a lot like Oswestry, from the train, but a bit warmer.
The last stop before Shrewsbury is Church Stretton. A lot of people came into my carriage then, and my beautiful corner where I’d felt so comfortable all the way became a bit crowded. My heart sank a bit too. I’d managed to enjoy the journey up to that point without thinking about where I was ending up.