“I’d prefer spaceships,” I said. “Or if there has to be magic, then less confusing magic, magic with easy rules, like in books.”
“Let’s talk about something normal,” he said. “Like, why do you have such short hair? I like it, but it’s really unusual.”
“That’s not normal,” I said. “We used to have long plaits. Gramma used to plait it, and then after she died we used to do each other’s. When Mor died, I couldn’t do my own, and in a fit of, well, furious grief I suppose, I cut them off with scissors. Then my hair was horribly uneven, and my friend Moira tried to even if off, cutting a bit off each side, until I had practically none. Since then, I’ve kept it short. It’s only just got to be the same length all over. It used to be really spiky.”
“You poor old thing,” he said, and gave me a squeeze.
“Why do you have long hair? For a man, I mean.”
“I just like it,” he said, touching it self-consciously. Hair the colour of honey, or anyway, of honey buns.
In Gobowen, he unchained his bike. “See you on Saturday,” he said.
“In the little cafe by the bookshop?” I asked.
“In Marios, so I can get some decent coffee,” he said.
I think it’s important to Wim to be seen in public with me. I suppose it has to do with the Ruthie thing and his feeling of being a pariah.
We kissed again before I got on the bus. I could feel it right down to my toes. That’s magic too, in a way, the same as the “chi” is.
Friday 8th February 1980
Aujourd’hui, rien.
People were telling riddles at lunch today, and I asked the question about whether you’d rather meet an elf or a Plutonian. Deirdre didn’t know what a Plutonian was. “An alien from the planet Pluto,” I said. “Like a Martian, but more so.”
“An elf, then,” she said. “How about you, Morwenna, which would you rather be?”
It was a typical Deirdre mix-up between “meet” or “be,” but in a way it’s a more challenging question. Which you’d rather meet is about worldview, past and present, fantasy and science fiction. Which you’d rather be is—I keep thinking about Tiptree’s “And I Awoke and Found Me Here on the Cold Hill’s Side,” which manages to be both.
Doctor’s appointment made for Monday.
Saturday 9th February 1980
Wim seems to be inherently early, except for the time when he had a puncture and was late for book group, the first time. He was waiting in Marios when I got there, and had even ordered me a coffee.
He looked through my library books, tutting or nodding at them. Mary Renault’s The Persian Boy had come in, and he wanted to know what I saw in historical fiction, and when I said I’d already read it, what I saw in re-reading. Several girls I knew were in the cafe, with local boys, including Karen, who kept looking over at us and smirking.
“Could we go somewhere else,” I said after a while, when Wim had finished his coffee.
“Where?” he asked. “There’s nowhere to go. Unless you want to go ghost-hunting again?”
“I don’t mind, if you do,” I said.
Just then Karen came over to the table. “Come to the toilet with me. Commie,” she said.
Wim raised his eyebrows at the name, but I was just relieved she hadn’t called me “Crip” or “Hopalong” in front of him.
“Not right now,” I said.
“No, come,” Karen said, making faces. She put her hand on my arm and pinched me quite hard. “Come on.”
It was easier to go than to make a scene. Karen wasn’t my friend, exactly, but she was Sharon and Deirdre’s friend. I sighed and went off with her. The toilets were painted red and had a mirror with a row of bright bare lightbulbs over it. Karen checked her make-up in it—although make-up was just as strictly forbidden on Saturdays as any other day, she was caked in the stuff.
“Craig, that’s my boyfriend, says he saw your boyfriend with another girl at the disco last night; Shirley who works in the laundry at the school.”
“Thank you,” I said. “I could hardly go to the disco with him, could I?”
“You don’t care?” She sounded incredulous.
I did care, of course I did, but I wasn’t about to let her know that. I just smiled and pushed the door open and went back to the table.
Wim was still there, which I had briefly wondered about. I sat down and took his hand, because I knew Karen would be watching. “Let’s go,” I said.
“What did she say to you?” he asked.
“You know better than I do that in this town everybody knows everybody’s business,” I said. I stood up and put my coat on.
His face fell, but he also had a look of calculation. “Mori, I—”
“Come on,” I said. I wasn’t going to talk about it in there, in front of an over-appreciative audience.
“How is this supposed to work anyway if I can only see you at book club and on Saturday afternoons, and for a couple of hours on Thursday hanging around in Shrewsbury?” he asked, belligerently, as we walked up the hill, past Smiths and BHS. “You couldn’t ever go to a party with me.”
“I can see that,” I said. “I can’t help being stuck in school. Maybe it isn’t going to work.”
“So you could break up with me because I went dancing with Shirley?” He looked down at me inquiringly.
“More because I don’t want to be humiliated about it, than because you did. I mean, obviously, even if I wasn’t stuck in school I couldn’t go dancing.”
“It isn’t that,” he said, very quickly. “I don’t care about dancing especially, it’s just something to do.”
“And you don’t care about Shirley either, she’s also just something to do?” I asked, cattily.
“Or I could break up with you because I can hardly ever see you and it’s too inconvenient,” he said, in a strange musing tone.
We had come to the corner by Thorntons, where we’d turn down if we were going to the bookshop and Poacher’s Wood. I stopped, and he stopped too. “Are you supposed to be making any sense?” I asked, exasperated. Boys are weird.
“Do you agree that we could break up right now, on this corner, and never say a kind word to each other again?” he demanded. The wind was blowing his hair back, and he had never looked more gorgeous.
“Yes!” I said. I could imagine it all too well, saying things at book group about books and never looking at each other.
“Then it’s all right. If we could break up right now then whatever magic you did didn’t make it destiny that we would be together,” he said.
“What?” Then I got it. “Oh.”
He grinned. “So if we’re not together because the magic forced us to be, that’s all right.”
It was the most backwards way of looking at it that I could imagine. “So, what, you were doing a scientific experiment with Shirley in the disco?”
He did have the grace to look a little abashed. “Sort of. I hate the idea of being forced into things. I hate the idea of True Love and Finding the Right One and you know, being tied down, marriage, and the thought that the magic had made me—”
“Wim, I admitted I kind of like you,” I said. “When you asked me. I did not and would not say anything about destiny, true love, marriage, ever after or any of that crap. That is not what I am looking for, that is not what I want. I want friends, not True bloody Love. I don’t plan to marry ever, and anyway not for years and years.”