Pyrron whistled. "My word! I'm doomed to the depths of Tartaros, O Minos."
"When comes my turn?" said Thyestes.
"I have finished," said Vardanas. "Now, Hellene, say what is horrible about Persians."
"Well, first come their pompous manners," said Thyestes, crossing his hands on his bosom and mocking the deep bows of the Persians. "Then there's their effeminate luxury."
At this, Vardanas held up the coat he was mending, staring at the tears and patches with eyebrows raised in so comical an expression that all burst into laughter.
Thyestes continued: "Then there's this eldrich custom of men's marrying their own daughters and sisters."
"What is wrong with that?" said Vardanas. "My own father, who is a good man if hard to live with, speaks of wedding my sister Nirouphar."
"The mere thought of sic incest gars the gods to shudder!"
"Your gods, perhaps; not mine. At least a man knows what to expect. This he does not when he weds a woman outside the family. And you Hellenes wed your half sisters."
" 'Tis no the same. Although as a soldier I've had my share of robbery, rape, and manslaying, that's one sin nought could tempt me to commit. Forbye, there's the Persians' slavish obedience to their kings."
At this the twain began to shout: "How else can one run an orderly, civilized state?" "... the self-respect of free Hellenes ..." "... who use their freedom to rob and murder one another ..."
Pyrron, laughing, called: "Desist, you two! We've not yet heard from our Indian. Come, Kanadas, tell us what you consider repulsive about the usages of Hellenes and Persians."
"You no be angry?" said Kanadas, who had been silent as usual. Reassured, he began in his halting mixture of Persian and Greek:
"Persians are little wicked, but not so wicked as Hellenes, because Persians are more like us. Persians do one wicked thing. That is, cut off male parts from captives to make them—what is word?"
"Eunuchs?" said Pyrron.
"Yes, eunuchs. That is great sin. Brachman give those parts to men to keep race going. To maim them is insult to gods."
"But," said Vardanas, "how else can we keep order in our harems?"
"Try keeping to one wife apiece," said Pyrron. "What else, Kanadas?"
"As for Hellenes," said Kanadas, "I have not been in Hellas and so not know how Hellenes live at home. In Sindou they are very wicked."
"How so?" said Thyestes.
"They make love to other men. Is terrible sin amongst us, but you do it all the time."
Vardanas put in: "We have a saying, too: Beware the Hellene! First he flatters you; then he kisses you; then he sticks it up your arse; then he runs off with your wallet."
"Now, lads," I said, "that's not entirely true."
"Indeed?" said Vardanas.
"Nay, 'tis not. The southern Hellenes, Athenians and Spartans and such, make a habit of it, but in the North we deem it lewd and shameful. True, we make no such matter of it as does Kanadas, but our better sort of men approve it not. Nor do our neighbors, the Macedonians. The King Philip was slain by a Macedonian youth who had been buggered at a drunken revel and blamed the king for not punishing the fellow whose fault it was."
"It does happen amongst you, though," said Vardanas. "The story itself bears witness."
"So too does it happen among Persians," I said. "We all know about your painted boy-eunuchs."
"Alas! Some of my countrymen have caught the habit from Ionian Hellenes and other conquered peoples."
Pyrron cleared his throat. "There's a tradition," he said, "that the forebears of the southern Hellenes encouraged homosexual love as a military measure. It was thought that an army of men who satisfied each other's lusts would not need to drag a cumbrous train of women after them in the field. Others say the practice came from Crete."
"Where does this leave you, O Pyrron?" said Vardanas. "Do you prefer men or women?"
Pyrron smiled. "I differ from all of you. I love mankind in the abstract but have no passion for any individual, male or female. Now continue, Kanadas."
"Next wicked thing is way Hellenes make war. They break rules of warfare. In Sindou it is law that when sun sets, every army camps where it is. No Indian would surprise enemy by march at night, as Alexander did to Poros. Unfair."
"Somebody should have told the Alexander," said Thyestes.
"He would not have heeded," said Kanadas seriously. "Next thing is killing people not warriors. In Sindou, warrior caste does all fighting, but fights other warriors only. Fights not priests, farmers, traders, workers. Hellenes kill everybody, no matter what caste. Wicked."
"You have a point there, old boy," said Pyrron.
"Then, men they kill not, they make slaves. Persians do too. No slaves in Sindou. Slavery cruel. How you like to be slave?"
"At no rate," I said. "But slavery's not so bad as that. Else what should we do with prisoners of war? We could not turn them loose lest they take vengeance upon us anon. We could not keep them and feed them in idleness for aye. The only other thing would be to slay them, and surely that's less humane than making slaves of them."
"In Sindou prisoners join army of winning king. No kill, no make slaves. Simple."
Vardanas said: "Without slavery there could be no civilization. The Greek thinkers say that if everybody had to toil for his own bread, nobody would have time to learn new truths, or teach his fellow man how to act, or make beautiful things like poems and statues."
"I must disagree," said Pyrron. "Here's one Greek thinker, at any rate, who disapproves of slavery. However, I don't like the Indian caste system any better."
"Why not?" said Kanadas. "Caste is perfect system. Every man has place in life, work to do, customs to follow. No need to worry or question. Everything—how you say?—organized."
"That's the trouble. In free, democratic Hellas there's no limit to the height an able man can rise, at least if he be freeborn. What if an Indian be born into a low caste with the spirit of a great leader or the intellect of a profound philosopher? What could he do with his ability? Nothing."
"Could not rise in this life, but could in next. Gods put every man in caste he earns by actions in former lives. If you be good now, you are promoted in next life. Perfect divine justice."
"Just like the fornicating army," said Thyestes.
"But if bad, you spend next life as insect," said Kanadas.
"That's like the Pythagorean doctrine," said Pyrron. "However, I shall believe in a future life when I see it."
"Have you no religion, then?" said Vardanas, sounding a little shocked.
Pyrron yawned. "I can only quote Protagoras: T have no way of knowing whether the gods exist or not, for the obstacles to knowledge are many.'"
I said: "Well, if ever we get home safely despite the perils of land and sea, I shall feel obliged to thank some divine power or other. Shall I thank Zeus, or the Persian Auramasdas, or the Gandarian Imras? Or are they all the same?"
Pyrron yawned again. "That were a subject for another evening."
"What of definite worth have we gained from this one?" I asked.
"There's my practical Leon, always wanting to know the precise value of everything! Let's say: To think of virtues and vices as matters of custom, not dogmatically true. And thus, I hope, to look upon strangers like these wretched Arachotians with a tolerant eye."
Vardanas said: "My feeling now is that all men are hopelessly bad, though in different ways."
"Perhaps," said Pyrron, "we can someday review our national virtues as we have our national vices. Could we combine the wit and intelligence and daring of the Hellenes, the courtesy and generosity and veracity of the Persians, and the sobriety and moral earnestness of the Indians, we should have a race worthy of ruling heaven as well as earth. And now to bed, my dear chaps."