“Paul, I’m—”
“No.” They embraced. He spoke into hair and ear. “Sweet girl.”
“Please know.”
“I know. And I knew. And I knew that we’d be together again, someday, somehow.” He pulled back, tip of nose meeting tip of nose. “And now I know something else.”
“The journal?”
“Something’s been speaking to me for years. Long before they found her, long before the wars and the troubles. I hear it in the night, in the loss, in the stillness, in the—”
“Silver.”
He nodded. “It’s gotten worse since it’s begun. Since she’s begun.”
Susan thought of the intersections of that day: the young engaged couple: soldier and silver ring, the author and his girlfriend: Deus Ex and Demian, the man with a white curl.
“‘And so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.’”
“Hmm?”
“Gatsby.” He found double-meaning in her response.
“I’m sorry I didn’t dance with you.”
“Stop it.” She grinned.
“This is where the fish lives.”
“I have come again—”
“To wound the autumnal city.” Her smile was wide, forgiving, forever. “Delany’s going to sue you someday.”
They laughed, and it was good.
She pulled back from their embrace, tangle of arms, warmth of bodies, scent of coffee, sound of raindrops. Eyes tear-wet, blinking. Blinking.
“Please know, Paul.”
“I know.” He closed the blank book, left in mid-sentence. “I’ll finish this journal another day.”
They walked into the unsteady night, clouds lifting to reveal a sky of stars and starships, the men of war within the machinery that would take them beyond heaven, beyond time and tomorrow. They walked into the night, knowing that it was time, almost time, almost time. Their hands clasped tightly under stars, under stars.
“Susan?”
“Yes?” Blue-green eyes in the light of the moon. Dimple.
“I love You.”
my lips remember the echoes of that night LES SOLDATS PERDUS: A PLAGUE JOURNAL
And in these final moments, in this final terror, I find stillness.
I remember her eyes.
They give me silence, the pause to reflect, the stillness that exists between two old souls brought together through tragic circumstance. As I hold this weapon, as I prepare to end this war, I remember and it gives me strength.
This is the moment of ultimate truth; I inhale and know all. I know what I have to do to end this. Even as the child stands before me, even as I hold this weapon to target on her heart, I know what I have to do.
It is a flood of thought and emotion; this is the moment before an end, those instants when the world pauses, those instants when everything is revealed and I am held motionless in a hesitant peace.
Inhale.
She begs me to end it. I will, but not before telling you the story of how it all came to be. Seconds stretch to hours, years, decades, forevers. I will take my time.
They’re all dead now on this dusty plain, this barren world where it began and where I will enact an ending. Only now do I realize the depth of my loss; I’ve killed the woman I love by killing the doppelganger sent to replace me. The shot went right through him and hit her as well. What have I done?
Exhale.
She’s in my arms right now, lifeless body. I hope her soul is elsewhere.
So much to say. So little time. The child yearns for this weapon, yearns for cessation and stillness.
She can wait.
How far back does the mind go? How far back does this story stretch? I barely remember the Earth. What still remains in my memory are broken images: a talking teddy bear, a gravel parking lot, the weapon jutting from the ocean, firing the white balls of phase that would begin the war. I remember a fence, a little girl, the static of the dead television. Daddy leaving. Mommy’s gloves. My baby sister, and the tears late at night.
I remember the smell of the smoke rising from my mother’s broken chest as she lay on the ground, dying.
They lied to us. They said we’d be reunited with our families once Archimedes was out of harm’s way. I knew that they were all dead, and I knew that Uncle and the angels were lying. Maybe that’s why I did what I did.
I think my heart has stopped beating.
Is there love between stars and times? Can the lost soldiers ever know that most poignant of emotions? Can something develop between two people brought together by loss and war that transcends explanation, safety, reality?
I can feel her blood through my shirt.
The child laughs at me. The temptation…I can taste it. I want to kill her, will kill her. Not yet, though.
I can’t kill her yet. I don’t want to leave. Images flood this confusion: a hand, her eyes, subtle smile and the shudder of her release. Forbidden love, forbidden coupling. I killed Tallis for what he did to her. I would have killed Uncle if I had known in time. His heart gave out. In this moment, I feel my own, each beat distinct. I feel the blood coursing through my veins, flushing my face, reaching every last extent of my body. I feel the gun warming to my touch.
This is the final moment. I know everything, I see everything.
dream that your someday child never knows of the rain
I can smell her hair, tainted as it is by sand and blood, sweat and dust. I can smell her hair.
How did it come to this?
Gary’s wreckage to the south, Hannon’s final gambit spilling fire and black smoke into the afternoon sky…What is this place? Can it be home? Did God die for these bleak plains, this impossibility of continuation? Did Lilith die so that I could kill her Mother and be left alone here?
This is the final moment. The ultimate truth. Senses are heightened, flashes of memory dance before my eyes, replacing the child with past, this desert with the cold of space, this corpse with warmth and touch and life.
I know it all now.
We tore the ship apart after I killed Tallis.
The angels tried to keep us from the bridge. They’d seen what happened in the hangar. They’d known all along that Tallis was a special little present that Maire sent along with Arch to keep watch over us, to take over once Uncle had died. They’d known it was coming, could see it in Uncle’s eyes for months before the final heart attack. His great crop of kinked black hair turned from salt-and-pepper to pure white, his rich chocolate skin turned sickly gray, eyes once brilliant white yellowed with age and exhaustion. I don’t blame him. I now know that he was an unwilling participant in this slaughter, just as my father and Uncle Jean were long before I was born.
Did my father see this world before he died?
I can feel that final collapse. I felt it then…But in this moment, he is with me.
Is it the silver? Is that the link between our past and present and whatever lies beyond? It crawls just beneath my skin, jabbing behind left eye, right. It is alive, so much more alive than the little girl, so much more alive than I am in this pause.
Brendan’s blood was still on my hands when we went to the bridge. The angels tried to stop us, but we fell upon them with blades and fists, slashing throats, knocking them down, gouging biomech eyes from silent, confused sockets. I felt nothing. They felt nothing. We emptied the ship of Mother’s spawn. We smashed things. I paralyzed Arch with stripped circuits, broken boards. Lobotomy.
At last, we were alone. Just men in the middle of nowhere.
And woman.
I remember being alone with her for the first time.
We thought it was a drill, but it wasn’t. Must have been fifteen or sixteen at the time, just starting our outside flight training. Brendan’s Attack One was running formations in what we thought was an empty system. Turned out to be inhabited. We were told they were the aliens; I know now that they were probably just an advance team from Hannon’s systemship. Arch went into evasive, left the slithers outside. I was on Catalyst guard shift with Arik. He abandoned his post; I don’t know where he went. But when Arch started shaking, I almost panicked. We’d never been bombarded from close-range before. EM slugs. We lost phase containment on the lower decks, and the system glitched. The Catalyst chamber opened.