There was a little smile on Dawn’s lips as she watched me trying to organize my thoughts. Unfortunately, I kept getting distracted by the desire to just seize her head and shove my tongue down her throat. She patiently waited me out, that little smile teasing as if she knew exactly what was going through my mind. But she said nothing while I tried to figure out how to say, ‘We need to figure out how to be friends.’
But in the end, another subject that was bothering me came to the fore and I ended up asking, “How was your date with Ryan last night?”
Dawn blinked a few times, surprised by my question. In the past year, I’d barely ever brought up Ryan because I didn’t want to really think about him being with “my” Dawn. But now I had brought him up and Dawn sat up straighter. “Uh, it was fine. He’s just as nervous as me, starting at a new school. But I think it’s going to be harder for him as a Junior transfer. Most freshman are open to meeting new people the first few weeks, but most Juniors will already have their cliques established by then.”
I nodded. “He still has his friends around though, right?”
Dawn sighed. “Stephen’s still around, I guess. But he’s getting a job at his uncle’s company. And to be honest, Ryan and Stephen have been drifting apart a bit. Things got awkward when Tricia caught Stephen cheating on her with some High School sophomore and they broke up. We all took Tricia’s side, including me and Ryan. Stephen didn’t take that so well.”
“I’m sorry. How’s Tricia doing now?”
Dawn shrugged. “She’s going to UC Davis. I’m going to miss her. But Gwen and Robin are both coming to Berkeley.”
I nodded, and then a sly grin came across Dawn’s face. “Gwen’s been asking about you ... She still can’t believe you fucked her unconscious that one day. Says nothing has ever topped it since.”
I blushed and Dawn giggled. The memory of Dawn’s slightly skanky friend reminded me that it was the same weekend Dawn and I “broke up”. She’d had sex with Ryan right in front of me, needing me to be in the room when she did it. And I still felt a tightness in my throat just thinking about it.
I glanced down and furrowed my eyebrows. “You know, I wasn’t expecting you to come back to the house last night. I’d have assumed you were spending the night with Ryan.”
Dawn looked away from me, turning her face into her palm before turning it back and sagging against the backrest a little deeper. “Yeah ... uh. I was originally planning on it, but when it came right down to it, I just couldn’t.”
“Why not?” I frowned, thinking that she was talking about spending the night.
“Because I didn’t want to sleep with him last night. It would have just felt ... weird.”
I bit my lip. She’d said “sleep” but my intuition told me she meant “have sex”. I may have not known she liked country music but I could still read Dawn’s emotions. “You didn’t want to have sex with him?”
Dawn shook her head. “I couldn’t. He wasn’t exactly happy when I told him I wasn’t in the mood and wanted to go home. But he’s a good boyfriend. He’d never push me.”
I furrowed my eyebrows. “Why didn’t you?”
Dawn sighed, moisture forming in her eyes. “Because ... I knew you were here.”
“Dawn...”
“I just couldn’t. Not while you’re in the same zip code, Ben.”
“You’ve done it before.”
“No I haven’t,” she furrowed her eyebrows and barked almost defensively.
I arched an eyebrow with a smile, “The Stanford game ... We were just talking about me and Gwen.”
Dawn blushed, now remembering it. Hell, she’d gotten me and Ryan to double-penetrate her. “Well, except for that. This is different.”
I took a deep breath. “You’re not cheating on me just because I’m within the 100-mile zone, Dawn. He’s your boyfriend.”
“YOU should be my boyfriend,” Dawn whimpered, turning her eyes on me. “That’s the way things were supposed to be.”
“So what do you want?” I sighed. “You break up with Ryan and I break up with Adrienne and we fall in love and get married and pop out a few kids?”
She exhaled, her eyes shimmering. Then she turned and pushed her forehead into her palm again. “Doesn’t matter. You’re not going to break up with Adrienne.”
It wouldn’t do to lead Dawn on. “No, I’m not,” I said firmly. And then as I looked into her eyes, I saw a trace of hesitation on her part as well. And with sudden realization, I breathed, “And you don’t want to break up with Ryan, either.”
Dawn’s lower lip quivered and she quailed again, pushing her eyes into the heels of both her hands. She was obviously torn. In spite of all the love proclamations she’d given me just a month ago, and even right now, Dawn HAD developed feelings for Ryan. It had been easy not to think of him while we were at camp, and think only of her love for me. But now, having spent the last month with HIM and not me, it was harder to ignore her feelings. I couldn’t blame her; it was the exact same thing I was going through.
So now Dawn was caught right where I was, between two people she cared a great deal about. It would be easy for me to think badly of her. After all, I didn’t know Ryan well at all and I could feel righteously angry at her for even thinking of having feelings for another man when she claimed she loved me. But the fact was: I hadn’t been there for the past year. I didn’t know what kind of bond they’d developed together. So Dawn had to feel just like I did: she wanted us both. But she knew she couldn’t have us both, and the internal tug-of-war was tearing apart.
“Am I a bad person?” she whimpered. “When you’re around, I want you so badly. And when you’re not around and it’s just Ryan, I feel so much for him.”
Dawn shuddered and unable to stand seeing her in such pain, I reached forward and bear-hugged my lifelong friend. “It’s okay, Dawn. You’re not a bad person. That’s just being human.”
Dawn’s breath came in heaving gasps. She was shaking and sobbing in my arms as I just squeezed her and tried to hold on. It seemed like she kept crying for an eternity. “I’m sorry, Ben. I know I should only want you! I’m sorry...”
“No, shhh...” I tried to soothe her. “You have nothing to be ashamed about. I understand.”
“But I’m supposed to be with you.”
“Life doesn’t always happen the way it’s ‘supposed’ to.”
Dawn sobbed some more and pushed her face even tighter against me.
But after a while, Dawn’s shuddering stopped and a few moments later, she went quiet. Her breathing was still hard, but even that began to calm. And then without moving her face away from my chest, she said forlornly. “I knew it. I always knew it. At camp, I even said things would be this way. But I guess it didn’t really hit me until just now.”
I remained silent and patted her back.
“Here we are, at Cal, the way we always said we would be. Only you and I aren’t the way I’d thought we would be.”
“I never thought things would turn out this way either, if it’s any consolation.”
Dawn sighed. She started stretching her limbs out and I released her, pulling back a few inches. She suddenly seemed so much smaller, looking up at me with that angelic face, her eyes searching mine. “What do I have to do?”
I sighed, brushing her hair back against her scalp. Oh, it would be so easy to kiss her right now, and I knew she’d let me. But it wasn’t our time. Not yet. “Dawn, are you my friend?”