Abbie then reached up and grabbed my hand, pulling me down towards them. “Hey, Ben. We’ll always be friends, right?”
There was a touch of fear in her voice and feeling the immediate need to reassure her, I knelt between the two lounge chairs and earnestly looked both girls in the eye. “Of course.”
“You don’t hate me?” Allie asked hesitantly while Abbie scanned around to see if anyone was within earshot.
I looked at the scared young girl and reached out to hold her hand. “Of course not. We made a mistake. But I don’t blame you for anything that happened.”
She nodded and now it was my turn to ask, “Allie, you don’t hate me?”
The young teenager took a deep breath and gave me a little smile, shaking her head in the negative. “No. I’ve had a lot of time to think about it, and I don’t hate you.”
I smiled and started to pull back, but Allie gripped my hand and held me. “Ben,” she began in a small voice and looked around again to make sure no one was within eavesdropping range. “I was just wondering…” She bit her lip and dropped her gaze to the ground.
Patiently, I waited Allie out while she gathered herself. And then she looked me in the eye and said, “I know I won’t be ready to have sex again for a while. The whole thing is just so… scary. But when I am ready, do you think—? I mean, I’d really like for you…”
I squeezed Allie’s hand as she left her question unfinished and just searched through my eyes. I felt an upwelling of emotion for this girl. I didn’t love her, but I cared about her well-being and felt responsible for what had happened to her. And dirty, sexual thoughts were the last thing on my mind as I understood what Allie was asking me. “Are you sure you’d want it to be me?”
She nodded. “I still trust you, Ben. And… it’s like they say. Sometimes you have to get right back in the water or forever be afraid to swim. And out of all the boys in this world, you’re the one guy who’ll understand what I’m going through when that time comes.”
I sighed. “Allie,” I began hesitantly and I watched her face crumble. “I’d love to. I mean, I feel that if it’s what you really want, when the time comes, it would be the right thing to do.”
She looked at me in confusion, my words saying ‘yes’ but my tone saying ‘no’. And then my expected ‘but’ came.
“But,” I began. “I have a girlfriend right now. That wasn’t the case when we were last together. And to be perfectly honest, I don’t know how she’d feel about it.”
“Oh, okay, I understand,” Allie nodded and visibly relaxed. Girls certainly understood the concept of fidelity.
“But that’s not a ‘no’,” I put in hurriedly. “Dawn’s… open-minded. So I guess what I’m saying is, when the time comes, just let me know, and we’ll see. Okay?”
Allie smiled and opened her arms to me. I leaned in and hugged her, and I also felt the soft touch of Abbie’s hand on my shoulder. I sighed, feeling some absolution from my guilt.
But I also felt a little twinge of new guilt. Dawn had said she could live with sex for sex’s sake, as long as I held my love for her. She’d be happier if I didn’t sleep with anyone else, and for that reason alone I told her I’d be faithful. But did I just give myself an out? Brooke was already an exception to the rule. Was I now making Allie an exception in my head? What did that mean about Abbie? And once I started opening this door, where did it stop?
Exhaling slowly while rubbing Allie Sanders’ back, I soothed my troubled mind. My life had never been black and white. I would just have to make the best decisions I could as they came up and let the chips fall where they may.
One person who did notice my little exchange with the Sanders twins was Megan Kwan. My first ever girlfriend came over with a paper plate of pizza, handing it off to me with a smile before taking a seat on the next lounge chair and saying, “Things seemed to have cooled off between you guys.”
“Huh?” I took the pizza gratefully but arched my eyebrow at Megan’s comment.
“Abbie and Allie,” Megan waved. “Last time we were all here they couldn’t wait to rip your trunks off. Now… you just seem friendly.”
I bit my lip nervously and shrugged my shoulders. “They got what they wanted from me. But we all knew it wasn’t going any further and we’re all just friends.”
Now it was Megan’s turn to arch her eyebrow at me. “That’s not the Ben I remember. The Ben I remember could make a girl melt in his hands. He’d drown her in orgasms so good she’d do anything to get more of them, relationship or not.”
I canted my head and smiled at the praise while simultaneously feeling residual guilt over Allie. Clearly, I didn’t want to tell Megan, ‘Well I knocked up Allie Sanders and the girls want to step back from sex for a bit.’ So I shook my head and remembered my other firm reason for not being quite the flirt I’d been toward the end of last year. “Well honestly, Megan, I’m trying to keep it in my pants. I’m taking your advice and really trying to stay loyal to my girlfriend.”
A smile crossed her face. “Ah yes, Dawn, right? Cassidy told me you and she decided to take your relationship to the next level.”
I shrugged and nodded. “Growing up, right? Finding a more mature love, right?”
Megan nodded but gave me a pointed look. “Fair enough. But don’t forget, it’s not just about fidelity for fidelity’s sake, Ben. It’s not just keeping a leash on your dick because you’ll get in trouble if you don’t. You’ve got to want to be loyal, Ben. When you realize that she’s the only one you want, that’s love.”
I furrowed my eyebrows. I knew I loved Dawn. I felt differently about her than anyone else, including my previous girlfriends. But only one I’d even want? Hell, I looked around the pool area and saw a bunch of girls I wanted to bang. I couldn’t even IMAGINE a situation where I would only want to have sex with just one person. Being monogamous I could understand, especially once I was actually together with Dawn at Berkeley and we could always be together. But to think monogamously was just unimaginable.
Megan seemed to sense my confusion and she laughed, patting my shoulder. “Don’t worry. No one’s expecting you to get married and tie yourself down right now.”
I exhaled with relief and smiled at her.
She smiled back and squeezed my shoulder, searching my eyes. “Still, I’m proud of you, Ben. You really seem serious about being loyal and remembering what, and who, are the important people in your life.”
“I am,” I said earnestly.
“Of course, I still wish you were being that dedicated to me,” she chuckled. But before I could stammer out some apology, she shushed me and said, “But that’s okay. I don’t want to do anything to ruin what you have with Dawn. I think she’s got a claim on you that pre-dates me anyways.”
“Thanks, Megan,” I said while reaching up and squeezing her hand that was on my shoulder.
She leaned in and pecked my cheek. “I’ll still be around, Ben.”
After several hours of sunning and swimming, everyone moved inside to watch a movie on Elaine’s 42-inch plasma TV, which was absolutely massive for 2001. Kenny immediately pronounced that in ten years, we’d have flat-screen TVs that covered an entire wall and made 3-year-olds go blind.
Daniel Chen and Elaine, of course, cuddled together in the best spot, a chaise lounge for two. It was Elaine’s house after all. Kenny Doyle and Rachel Tyler were side-by-side on the couch. And James Kaito got up and moved to let Sung Joon and Stephanie Vo cuddle up together.