I nodded. “Abbie… Abigail. She’s not pregnant.”
Keira’s eyebrows went up. “But you’ve had sex with her, too. Haven’t you?”
I winced. “They wanted me to take their virginities at the same time. They told me they were safe. I guess Allie wasn’t.”
Keira planted her chin into her palm and frowned, looking down and away for a moment. And then she looked up at me and said, “Tell me everything.”
A little over a half-hour later, Keira shook her head and rubbed her temples. “Ben, when I said to step back from relationships and figure out what you wanted, I didn’t mean to have casual sex with half a dozen girls with no commitment.”
I’d started by telling her everything about Abbie and Allie, from their proposition to Megan’s warning to the night itself. She didn’t need the gory details, but she wanted to know the decisions that had gotten me there.
It felt cathartic to pour everything out to her, so I’d kept going. I talked about Adrienne wanting to keep our relationship intact but my sleeping with Donna after I’d thought Adrienne had broken up with me. I told Keira about the booty calls with Stacey and Mandy. And I told her about all the emotions involved with Summer.
And when I was done, Keira looked at me still shaking her head. “Think you understand any more about love?”
I frowned. “Just that there’s a big difference between sex and love. I feel like I’ve had the least sexual contact with Summer, and yet being with her and just holding her in my arms is the closest I’ve felt to love since Adrienne.”
Keira canted her head to the side. “Well, that’s something at least.” She sighed. “And how do you feel about Allie?”
I frowned. “I… she’s sweet… and she’s cute…”
“But…” Keira led me.
I sighed. “But there’s no spark between us. There’s plenty of mutual lust and they’re very enthusiastic in bed. But I don’t think there’s anything romantic. They just wanted to experience sex and I was the logical candidate. I don’t think they looked at me as boyfriend material and even though I’ve known them for years, I never really considered them as long-term relationship targets.”
Keira’s eyebrows went up. “I asked about Allie, not ‘them’.”
I arched an eyebrow.
Keira sighed. “You still think of them as a pair. Doing twins probably got you off, but you don’t even really think of Allie as an individual girl. And if you’re not thinking of her that way, then there’s no WAY you can even consider settling down and marrying her. Even if you think it’s the right thing for the baby, it’s the WRONG thing for both of you.”
“But if she keeps the baby, aren’t I responsible for supporting her?”
Keira shrugged. “Yes, you’d have to. But this is 2001, not 1951. You can support her and be a part of the baby’s life without marrying Allie.”
I shook my head. “And what if she doesn’t want to keep the baby? Put it up for adoption or… or… uh, abort it?”
“How do you feel about that? Abortion?” Keira looked at me intently.
I wilted under her gaze, feeling the moral tug telling me that abortion is wrong, etc., etc. But I also considered how much a baby would fuck up my life, and Allie’s as well. “It would be easier…”
“But could you live with yourself if you talked her into aborting it?”
“I…” I sighed. “I don’t know. How could I possibly know? I’ve never aborted a baby before.”
Keira nodded. “First mature thing you’ve said in an hour,” she chuckled.
I buried my face in my hands and groaned. It was all just too much pressure. I wasn’t ready. I’d always known this was how babies were made, but I never thought this would actually happen to me. Didn’t we live in a time of easy birth control? Would I have to drop out of school and get a job? Would I not be able to go to college? Would I end up having to marry Allie and live the rest of my life with a girl I didn’t feel “that way” about? Would I lose all of my friends? Would my parents execute me?
It was all too much. My head hurt and I felt tears welling up inside me. Whimpering and shaking, I squeezed my own temples and pleaded, “Tell me, Keira. Tell me what to do.”
She sighed and patted the back of my head, rubbing my neck soothingly. “I’m sorry, Ben. I can’t just tell you. That’s something you’ve got to figure out for yourself. It’s the only way you’ll ever mature.”
I was practically catatonic for the rest of the day. I went to my room and no matter who was banging on the door, I refused answer it. Eventually, my mom got the master key and my parents let themselves in.
“Ben, what’s wrong?” Mom asked.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Honey, you know you can tell us anything.”
Not this. Not until I had a better idea of what my plan was, a plan I hadn’t even started conceiving just yet. I didn’t even bother to answer my mom; I just turned my head and looked away from her.
I heard her sigh. “Ben, come down to dinner.”
I stared away.
“Ben,” Dad said in a stern voice. “Listen to your mother.”
“I’m not hungry,” I answered.
“Ben,” Mom began again.
“Just leave me alone, please?”
The way my head was tilted, I couldn’t actually see my parents. But in my dark room, their shadows were cast on the far wall by the hallway light behind them, and I could see their heads turn together as they exchanged some sort of communication. And then the two of them just turned around and left. Thankfully, they closed the door behind them.
Sometime in the late evening, well after my parents had gone to sleep, I was still sitting up in bed, contemplating the nature of my existence. I heard a light knock at my door, and still in my own little world, I didn’t answer. No matter, a few seconds later, it began to swing open. My parents had not re-locked the door and I stared impassively as the hallway illumination spilled into my bedroom.
“Ben?” Brooke called softly as she came into view, wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around her torso. Her hair was damp as she was just out of the shower, and I couldn’t help but notice how her growing curves stretched out the towel in very specific places. Silhouetted by the light behind her, I couldn’t make out her features very well, and for a brief moment I thought it was Brandi standing before me. My little sister was certainly growing up.
I didn’t answer but just stared impassively. Brooke looked startled when she saw me sitting up in bed like a statue, my unyielding gaze aimed right at her. But I didn’t move.
Curious, Brooke waved her hand up and down, as anyone does in front of someone who appears to be staring off at nothing. She switched to waving both arms, and again asked a hesitant, “Ben? Are you okay?”
She flipped the light switch on the wall, forcing me to blink a few times against the blinding light now filling my bedroom. Brooke visibly relaxed when she realized I was at least alive, even if I wasn’t responsive. She approached the bed, walking up until she was just a few feet away from me. I kept my gaze forward, so that she was standing just to the left in my peripheral vision.
Again, Brooke did the hand waving thing in front of my eyes. I blinked, but I didn’t turn my gaze. Why should I? I just didn’t feel like it. Eventually, she’d give up and go away, leaving me in peace.
But she didn’t give up right away. Brooke snapped her fingers a couple of times in front of my nose, to no response. Then she actually pushed on my shoulder a few times, forcing my body to wave but in the end, I returned to my original position, still staring off a thousand yards ahead of me.