It was indeed complicated. No money, no departure. No departure, no Ann for Felix..
Mildred pulled herself together. The strain of being objective here was like a physical pain. But she said firmly, 'Hugh, have some common sense. You can't sell your beloved Tintoretto so that Randall can have a caper with a girl which may last six months. It would be totally wrong. Tell Randall to pull his socks up. If he wants to leave Ann he can get half the value of the nursery and start himself up again. And can't the Rimmer girl work? By not treating them as ordinary mortals you'll do them nothing but harm.
'I've thought of all this, said Hugh. 'I've thought of Ann. I've thought of Sarah. I've thought that if I sell the painting I ought to give the proceeds to Famine Relief. Everything.
'Well, if you've thought of it, why aren't you convinced by it?
'It's complicated, he repeated. He poured himself out some whisky.
'Randall's thing is very serious. He's really in love — the way it only happens once or twice in a lifetime. And with someone like him the mature love is the one to trust. He sighed. 'I think it will last. She's awfully beautiful, by the way.
'Hugh, don't be frivolous.
'And without the money he won't go.
'Well, let him not go! said Mildred, exasperated. She grieved for Felix, but she saw nothing here which was in the least unclear.
'Well, you see, said Hugh. He paused as if wondering whether to go on. 'There's another — aspect to the matter.
At that moment, with a sudden switch in her vision, Mildred saw the other aspect: and if the first picture had made her gasp, this second gestalt left her positively winded. Before she had time to recover, Hugh was going on.
'There's no way of saying this, he said, 'which doesn't sound monstrous. And of course it is monstrous, and not anything which could possibly form part of a serious intention. It's a sort of nightmare, the waking nightmare that I've been having all night. And when I ring you up I was possessed by an urge to confess it to someone, to confess it to you. Just to get rid of it. Yes, to get rid of it. You'll think me mad when I tell you. And what you've been saying is quite right. And of course I can't possibly sell the picture. He stopped as if he had said everything.
'But you haven't told me, said Mildred, when he was silent still. 'This — other thing. Is it to do with Emma?
'Mildred —’ said Hugh. Then he suddenly covered his face with one hand, the fingers spread wide upon his bald forehead, while he gave a groaning sigh into the palm.
'It's as bad as that, is it?
'You're so quick and so sympathetic, said Hugh, removing his hand. 'You understand everything before I say it. You remember I asked you something a little while ago, about going to see her? Well, I did as you advised, I went to see her. I thought I might calm down then. But I didn't calm down. I haven't calmed down.
'And you remember that I said you were ready to fall in love? You have fallen in love. Her voice trembled.
'I have fallen in love, he repeated solemnly, absorbed in the majesty of his own fate.
Mildred was so confused by the demands of her new insight and by the pure piercing pain of jealousy which had just passed through her like a spear, that she could think of nothing to say.
Oblivious, Hugh went on in a moment, 'To someone as clever as you I needn't explain what my nightmare was. Emma and I — well, there are possibilities. But the fact is that Emma isn't alone. She's — entangled — somehow — with that Rimmer girl. Well, no, that's a misleading way to put it. They're very fond of each other, and terribly sort of domestic together. And with Lindsay there there's no place for me. And, well, there it is. He added, 'And that's that, in case she should misunderstand him.
'But, said Mildred, 'if Randall could be enabled to buy Lindsay, you could move into the vacant place at the hearth. She instantly cursed herself for this bitter speech. She felt tears of vexation and defeat waiting behind her eyes.
Hugh's face wrinkled at her sharp words and he bowed his head with an air of vexed humility. He said, 'Of course, you must understand that I've just been raving to you in order to clear my head of poisonous fumes. Now I expect I've shocked you. You're so honest and simple yourself, you probably don't realize what fantasies, and what duplicities can reside in the bosoms of — quite ordinary people. Perhaps I oughtn't to have troubled you. He closed his lips, biting them into a hard line. She had hurt him.
While Mildred gained control of herself by taking some deep breaths and a mouthful of whisky he went on in a more conciliatory tone, 'You speak to me, as you always do, with the voice of reality. That's why I summoned you, I suppose. Of course, I never seriously thought I would sell the picture. It would be wickedly unfair to Ann and Sarah. And it would be very bad for Randall. That s the main point really. It would deprave Randall.
Mildred got up and went to the window. She blinked at the pale hazy light and the lines of the rain. If only she could think. She said, 'Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Before her own interests had come with such violence upon the scene she had seen things clearly. Now all was stirred up and confused. Almost laboriously she worked it out. If Hugh sold the picture Felix would get Ann. If Hugh did not sell the picture she would get Hugh. That was what it came to.
Mildred was not the first to feel doubts of a good cause when she saw that it was also to her advantage. Or rather, when she saw this, she began to think more passionately about the advantages of others. And she was acutely and increasingly conscious of her power to silence Hugh and of Hugh's wish to be influenced. It was clear I that what had racked Hugh all night was an overwhelming desire to sell the picture. Yet at the same time he saw the moral obstacles as insuperable. And he saw justly.
Mildred knew that whatever she said she must say it quickly and it had better be to the point. But where was the point? She didn't. want to make up Hugh's mind for him now. She wanted to keep it in the balance, to keep it wavering, to give her time to reflect further. But he seemed already to have helped him to his decision. What was there, more subtly, to be said on the other side? She tried desperately to see the thing as Hugh saw it, to see Randall as Hugh saw him. She said, 'And yet as you said — it's complicated. I can well understand your desire to set Randall free, to give. him suddenly perfect freedom.
'Well yes' said Hugh with alacrity, getting up from where he had been hunched in an attitude of rather sulky gloom. Yes. There's that in it too, I suppose.
'And to do it with no ungenerous hand, said Mildred, 'to do it with a reckless hand.
'Reckless, he said 'Yes. He joined her by the window and looked lip at the misty dome which hung before them like some southern cupola in a painting by Turner. His eye glowed at a hidden thought.
I have touched the right place, thought Mildred. Let me think of a few more epithets. She felt by now a little reckless herself. 'I can see, she said, 'that, in a way, you want to do something extravagant and foolish for Randall. You want to help Randall to do something extravagant and foolish.
'Yes, said Hugh. 'In a way. He added, 'I was never myself — extravagant and foolish.
That's it, is it, thought Mildred. I should have seen it sooner. She meditated. And as she estimated the complex strength of Hugh's motives she thought with a passing wail of despair for herself: he will surely sell the picture.
'You see, said Hugh, now, assisted by the wind which Mildred had puffed so heartily into his sails, getting going on the other tack, 'if one were to look at it from that side, it isn't as if the girls would be at all hardly done by, Ann and Sarah I mean. They'll get quite a lot anyway'.