'No, no, no! He could not help being elated by the directness of their exchanges and by his sense of the continuity of the old love with the new. It was the same love, the same girl.
'Ah, you're pleased with yourself, really!
'Emma, he said, 'just don't say no to this in your heart. And let our good fates do the rest.
'My dear, I don't say anything in my heart. I'm a perfect phenomenalist. Or if anything is said it is something like «whisky» or «teatime». Can I have another of those horrible cigarettes?
'You know perfectly well we aren't old. People don't grow old.
Old age in that sense is an illusion of the young.
'I am old, said Emma. 'Or rather I lack an attribute of youth which you have got: a sense of the future, a sense of time. I am just a bundle of perceptions, most of them unpleasant. As for other people, either they're with me or they don't exist.
'Well, let me be with you!
'Oh, you're so tiring, Hugh', she said, looking at her watch. 'You must go out and get me some Gauloises before the shops shut.
'Don't be so complicated about it: he said. He was holding his breath, fearing now to press her too much in case she should say some words of rejection. 'You are lonely with Lindsay gone. Let me look after you a little. I'm sorry if I went too far today. Let us be simple and slow.
'Simple and slow', she murmured. 'How adorable you are. I'm really quite fond of you.
'You said a little while ago you loved me. Fondness is less.
'I have told you I am not a continuous being. My words cannot be used as evidence against me.
'But you'll let me come again?
'Perhaps.
'We'll see what happens, shall we?
She gave a deep sigh and turned upon him her dark luminous eyes of a nocturnal animal. 'We'll see that in any case.
Chapter Twenty-four
'WELL, old thing, he's gone, said Mildred t? Felix. 'Now to work!
Felix had been camping uneasily at Seton Blaise, waiting, as Mildred put it, for the balloon to go up. That it had gone up Mildred discovered from Clare Swann in a matter of less than an hour after Ann had received Randall's letter: Ann had telephoned the rectory and Douglas had set off immediately for Grayhallock, followed by Clare, who paused only long enough to make ten telephone calls.
Mildred at once summoned Felix. 'Quick, she said. 'Get out the Merc. We're off to Grayhallock.
Felix hesitated. 'Is it quite proper, he said, 'to go over at once? I mean, won't it look bad? Won't we be just a nuisance? —’I despair of you, said Mildred. 'You should be wearing a smock and chewing a straw. That's your uniform.
'I don't want to intrude on a grief that I can't altogether either sympathize with or understand, said Felix stiffiy.
All the same, five minutes later the Mercedes was at the door.
The scene at Grayhallock resembled a curious sort of fate. Work in the nursery had been suspended. Bowshott and one of the men were conversing on the gravel outside, and Nancy Bowshott and Clare Swann were having an animated discussion in the hall. There was an atmosphere of suppressed excitement.
Felix still felt that there was something highly improper in his presence there so soon after news of what must be felt as a bereavement. But his appetite to see Ann, after more than a fortnight of inactivity and sheer waiting at Seton Blaise, was intense. He had felt, and Mildred had agreed, that during the interval between what Mildred referred to as Hugh's crime and the longed-for departure of Randall he should make no attempt to see Ann. That Randall would go he now felt curiously certain; and he had made no plans, envisaged no possibilities, in the event of Randall's not going. He waited. During the interval he had made several attempts to write the letter to Marie-Laure, but without success; and he had heard again from her two days ago saying that although he had not written she had decided to go to Delhi. Her beautiful French seemed to him dry and unreal as a language of substanceless birds.
Clare Swann, delighted to see them, ran up to Mildred. 'She's in the kitchen with Douglas. I thought I'd leave them together. Of course, she can't be surprised. She must have seen it coming a mile off. And it wasn't exactly a happy situation, was it? But it's a shock all the same, like when someone actually dies after they've been ages dying.
She fastened on to Mildred. Felix averted his eyes from their gay vivid faces. Now Clare was drawing Mildred confidentially aside. 'My dear, I must ask your advice. It's so hard to know what will cause offence.
Nancy had joined her husband outside, and Helix was left standing uneasily in the middle of the hall. The hall at Grayhallock was a cheerless place at the best, like the entrance to a seaside boarding-house: One expected to find notices saying what time breakfast was. Felix wondered if he should sit down somewhere; but it seemed so meaningless to sit down. He did not know whether to go to the kitchen or not. He was in a physical agony at the nearness of Ann.
The boy Penn passed him by, mumbled something and made for the stairs. His face had a stricken appalled look. He bounded up as far as the first landing and stopped as if deprived of purpose. Then he went more slowly on up.
Felix had just decided to take refuge in the still-room among the Wellington boots when he turned to find that Miranda was standing beside him and regarding him with a hostile look.
Conversation with Miranda was the last thing which Felix felt able at this juncture to sustain. What after all did one say to a child whose father had just publicly gone off with his mistress? How much did Miranda understand about the matter? How much did she know of the Facts of Life? How old was she, anyway? Utter paralysis gripped Felix.
As she showed no signs of going away but still stood provocatively beside him, he muttered, 'Bad business, Miranda. Sorry to hear about it.
'Sorry to hear about what? said Miranda in a clear voice.
'Well, about your father — going away — well, all that.
'You know all about it too, do you? said Miranda. 'It looks as if everybody knows. I think everybody knew before Mummy did. Felix could make nothing of this. But at least the child was composed.
'Do you think it will be better in the long run? said Miranda.
Felix was taken aback. 'I don't know, Miranda, I can't say really. I believe your mother is in the kitchen with Mr Swann. I think I won't disturb them. I'll just wait a minute. He looked for somewhere to escape to. He could hardly go to the still-room now.
'Mummy got a letter from the lawyer about the divorce, said Miranda.
'Oh, did she? This was appalling.
'Yes, said Miranda. 'He said there should be no difficulty as it was a simple case of adultery. Mummy will have to appear in court, but Daddy won't have to.
Felix stared about him in desperation. He could not stand any more of this. A quick glance at the bright faces of Clare and Mildred made him shudder. He mumbled an apology to Miranda and fled in the direction of the kitchen.
He knocked on the kitchen door and entered at once. Ann was sitting at the far end of the table in close converse with Douglas Swann. Swann looked up with annoyance at the interruptor. It was not every day that he had a chance of holding Ann's hand.
Ann rose when she saw him with an exclamation of surprise, brushing the clinging Swann aside. 'Why, Felix! How good of you to come. I didn't know you were in the country.
Of course, she doesn't know, thought Felix, she doesn't know anything. She did not know that he had been sitting at Seton Blaise waiting for exactly this to happen, she did not know about Hugh's crime. A mind like Ann's would not have seen any special meaning in the sale of the picture. Ignorant and innocent, there she was surrounded by schemers. He felt, before her, confused and ashamed. He stammered out, 'Old friend… just thought I'd call…