She began to walk back and forth, arms folded across her chest as though to protect herself from something, seeking a way out of the misery that engulfed her. But there was no way.
‘So many things have suddenly become clear,’ she said. ‘When you had that nightmare you asked what you’d said in your sleep. You kept insisting. I didn’t understand, but you were afraid you’d given away the secret, weren’t you?’
Dumbly, he nodded.
‘It was always there,’ she continued. ‘Behind every thought or word or action. Always you were having to keep the important part of yourself to one side, never letting me suspect it. In the end it became you. The real you. And I never guessed.’
She rubbed her hand over her eyes. ‘I think you should go now.’
‘How can I leave things like this?’
‘I don’t think either of us has a choice. We can’t settle anything tonight, and you have a heavy day tomorrow. You’ve got to win that race.’
He stared at her. Did she really think he cared about that?
‘Kaye-’
‘Please go.’ She opened the door and stood beside it until he walked past into the corridor. But at the last moment he stopped and tried to reach for her.
‘Kaye, please-’
‘Goodnight, Jared.’
He was facing a closed door.
Her dread, as she went to the track next morning, was that Tony Williams might be there. She couldn’t see him, but for safety’s sake she maintained a normal air-talking, smiling, working as usual.
Jared did the same, speaking to her politely about some meaningless subject before heading for the car. As he walked his heart was beating with tension, for he knew that something was badly wrong.
In the past one of his strengths had been his clarity of vision, as though the mere act of racing gave his eyes a new sharpness-not physical, but springing from the inner conviction that here he was king. The outside world vanished and the only reality was the track ahead, leading him on to inevitable victory.
But now that clarity had gone, leaving only confusion. Where was he-and why? The engineer spoke on his radio.
‘Time to move. Good luck.’
Suddenly he couldn’t think of the words to say, so he raised his fist in a gesture of agreement. First the warm-up lap. Useful. It would give his mind a chance to clear. Functioning on automatic, he went round the track until he reached the start again, and then settled in pole position.
What was Kaye doing at this moment? Watching him, as she always did? Or standing back, rejecting him in her heart as well as her mind? He tried to thrust her away. This was his world and he must concentrate. But it was desolate without her, and the track ahead was still vague.
A yell. The moment had come. The five hanging lights went out, and they were off. From the corner of his eye he could see Gary, trying to edge ahead by the first bend. His rival was still in a sulphurous temper-something which once would have delighted him, for he liked nothing better than a challenge.
But now he was assailed by weariness and a crashing sense of failure. He took the first bend, managing to keep his lead. His mirror showed Gary falling in behind him, coming too close.
One lap, then two. All would be well if only he could pull himself together, but his head was pounding. There was Gary, coming up beside him, still too close.
‘Watch out for him!’ The message came shrieking over his radio. ‘He doesn’t care what he does.’
It was true. Gary was trying to intimidate him. Jared moved, but he was too late. The cars collided and he felt himself swept up to a great height before turning over and over and landing with a crash that blotted out the world.
He was totally alone. All around him stretched a wilderness-bleak, empty of all human life.
Until this moment he hadn’t known what true isolation was, only that he hated it. Always he’d surrounded himself by people who talked and laughed, assured him that life was a reckless game. Now he was lost in the silence, and he was terrified.
Nothing had worked out as he’d expected. His plan had been to approach Kaye, claim Mike, then share the child with her. That way he would have a stake in the future without having to give too much of himself. He would win her confidence, set up a financial trust, then get to work on Mike, ensuring that the child’s loyalty would always be his.
He’d even toyed with the idea of marrying her as a way of securing his property, but he’d left that idea in limbo. Marriage would involve a degree of honesty and explanation that he’d rather do without. Better to wait and see how things worked out.
But their meeting had changed everything. Kaye was still partly the impish girl he remembered, yet now she was many other things, and a thousand times more enchanting. It might be her few extra years’ maturity, or perhaps the sadness of her experience, bearing a child without the father’s support, sacrificing her career. She must often have felt abandoned, but instead of making her bitter it had given her an edge-a sweet, ironic knowingness that had mystified and captivated him in equal measure.
It shamed him to recall how he’d toyed with the idea of a cold-blooded marriage. His reactions in life were as swift as in a race, and in almost no time he’d known he wanted her, body, heart and soul. Not just for Mike. For herself.
That was when he’d known he had real problems.
He’d known he must tell her everything, but with a cowardice he’d never suspected he’d put it off and put it off. Once he’d nearly made it, slipping his mother’s ring into his pocket in readiness. But then she’d begun to talk about more children and he’d backed off, vowing to find a more suitable time.
He’d been fooling himself. There would never be a good time, and by delaying he’d left her to hear it from another source-the worst thing that could have happened. Her chilly contempt had shattered him.
Suddenly he’d found himself facing a situation he didn’t know how to deal with-one he couldn’t talk his way out of or shunt aside by winning a race. Now his feelings were real and terrible, and he must confront them. If only he knew how.
There was only one person who might be able to show him the way, but she was the person he’d hurt most of all, and the freezing contempt with which she’d ordered him off had stunned him.
But now she seemed to be there with him, and what he saw in her eyes was not contempt, but heartbreak. For him she’d ventured out from behind her defences, daring to trust again and grow close because she loved him. He’d betrayed that trust and smashed her to the ground.
With all his heart he longed to seek her forgiveness and make things right, but that would never be possible. A man who couldn’t forgive himself had no right to ask forgiveness of the one he’d injured, and that was the burden he must carry from now on.
Now he almost hoped she wouldn’t be there when he opened his eyes.
But she was, sitting with her head buried in her hands as though engulfed by despair.
CHAPTER SIX
FOR an hour she’d sat by the bed, wanting to be the first thing Jared saw. Anger and bitterness had drained from her, obliterated by horror at his accident, for which she blamed herself. If only he would awake she would make it right, promise him a new start. All would still be well.
At last the strain overcame her and she buried her head in her hands. When she looked up he was watching her.
‘Jared,’ she whispered eagerly.
His gaze seemed to be fixed on her, but there was nothing in his eyes. She leaned forward, making sure he could see her.