“Evidently this is the last chapter in our lives, 99,” Max said. “There’s no way out. I guess I better telephone the Chief and say our final goodbyes.”
“Ask him if he knows what to do for empty bilges,” 99 said.
“Yes, all right, I’ll do that.”
Max wriggled around in the bucket until he was able to reach his shoe phone and remove it. Then he dialed.
Operator: Could you call back later, Maxie? I’m doing my nails.
Max: Operator, I’m afraid I’m not very sympathetic. It just so happens that at this instant I am sitting in a bucket with the Staten Island Ferry and we are being slowly lowered into a well that is filled with boiling oil and swimming with man-eating crocodiles.
Operator: So what help will it be if I ruin my nails?
Max: Get me your Supervisor!
Operator: Oh, all right, I’ll take your call. Whom is it you wish to speak to?
Max: Who, Operator.
Operator: Who has an unlisted number.
Max: I don’t know-who does have an unlisted number?
Operator: What do you mean, you don’t know? You just said yourself that he has an unlisted number.
Max: Who?
Operator: Right. So you can’t call him unless you know the number.
Max: I can’t call who?
Operator: That’s what I said.
Max: Operator, let’s start again. Pretend that I just picked up my phone and that you just answered. Okay? Now, connect me with the Chief, please.
Operator: Don’t you want to talk to Who any more, Maxie? You two have a falling out?
Max: It’s too personal-I don’t want to talk about it. Just connect me with the Chief.
(Buzzing)
Chief: Control. . Chief here.
Max: It’s me, Chief. I just-
Chief: Could you call back later, Max?
Max: Chief! Are you doing your nails too!
Chief: No, Max, I’m not doing my nails. I’m in a very important meeting.
Max: Oh. Sorry, Chief. But this won’t take but a minute. I just wanted to say goodbye. You see-
Chief: Max? You called me to say goodbye?
Max: Yes. You see-
Chief: Nevermind the explanation, Max. If that’s all you want-goodbye.
(a click as the Chief hung up)
Max: Chief! No! Wait!
Operator: I’m sorry, sir, but your party does not choose to speak with you.
Max: Operator, that is not for the telephone company to decide! Get me back my number!
Operator: Maxie, have a little pride. The Chief doesn’t want to talk to you. It’s over. Forget it. Make a new life for yourself. Find a new interest. Make new friends. Take dancing lessons. Learn to play the saxophone. Ten years from now, you won’t even remember who the Chief is.
Max: Operator, get me back my number!
Operator: What number is that, Max?
Max: The Chief’s number!
Operator: You still remember him, eh? The dancing lessons didn’t help?
Max: Supervisor!
(click)
Chief: Control. . Chief here.
Max: Chief, you didn’t let me finish. When I said I wanted to say goodbye, I didn’t mean goodbye for now, I meant goodbye forever. Chief, the fact of the matter is, that mission you sent us on isn’t working out exactly as planned. Instead of us recapturing Guru Optimo, Lucky Bucky Buckley has captured us-that is, two thirds of us, anyway. We haven’t seen V. T. Brattleboro since we landed on the island. But 99 and I are in a bucket that is suspended over a well, and the well is filled with crocodiles and boiling oil, and our bucket is dropping!
Chief: Then I think you made a very wise decision, Max.
Max: Decision? What decision?
Chief: To call and say goodbye forever.
Operator: You should have heard that story the first time he told it, Chiefy. He had the Staten Island Ferry in it.
Max: Stay out of this, Operator. Chief, what she means is that Guru Optimo hypnotized 99 into thinking that she’s the Staten Island Ferry. Incidentally, Chief, what do you do for empty bilges?
Chief: Max, offhand, I’d say that that’s not your main problem. You better worry about getting out of that bucket. Can’t you jump out?
Max: There’s a guard here, Chief.
Chief: Maybe V. T. Brattleboro will show up in the nick of time and save you.
Max: Chief, the first thing he did when we landed on the island was try to kill us.
Chief: Well, I just don’t have any other suggestions, Max. But don’t give up. Keep thinking. Maybe you’ll work it out. If you do, give me a call and tell me how you did it. If you don’t. . well, don’t bother to call.
Max: Thank you for those encouraging words, Chief.
Chief: And say goodbye forever to 99 for me.
Max: Actually, Chief, 99 may come out of this all right. I’m hoping that when we hit the oil she’ll float.
Operator: Tell her if she does to contact Ed Sullivan the minute she gets out of the well. He’d be crazy to introduce her from the audience.
Max: I’ll tell her. Goodbye, Chief. Goodbye, Operator.
Chief: I won’t say goodbye, Max. I’m sure you’ll think of some way to escape.
Operator: I’ll say goodbye, Max. I don’t think you could think your way out of a paper bag.
Max: Supervisor!
(click)
Max looked over the side of the bucket into the well. “I thought it was getting a little warm in this bucket,” he said. “We’re only about three yards from the hot breaths of those alligators.”
“Crocodiles,” 99 corrected.
“99, if I want to know the difference between a crocodile and an alligator, I’ll go to a better authority than the Staten Island Ferry.”
The bucket dropped another few inches.
“It won’t be long now, 99,” Max said grimly, looking down into the boiling oil again. “If you have any last words, now’s the time to speak up.”
“Tooooot! Tooooot!” 99 whistled.
“Nicely put,” Max nodded.
5
The bucket dropped to below the top rim of the well. Max stood up and looked at the guard speculatively. “I wonder. .” he murmured. “99, if he was hypnotized by a flash of light, why couldn’t he be unhypnotized by a flash of light?”
“Don’t talk to me while I’m docking,” 99 replied. “Docking is a very tricky business.”
“If I had a flash of light, maybe I could flash it in his eyes and break the spell,” Max said. “But where would I get a flash of light?”
“Will you hold still while I’m docking, please,” 99 complained. “You’re rocking the boat.”
“Sorry, 99. I was shifting around because of that beam of moonlight that’s shining in the dungeon window and hitting me in the eyes.”
“You made me bump the pier.”
“I said I’m sorry.”
“All right. But will you please step out of the way?”
“Pardon?”
“My passengers want to get off.”