“That is something to worry about,” 99 agreed.
“That isn’t what’s worrying me.”
“What, then, Max?”
“How is the bookkeeping department at Control going to look at it? Are we going to be paid double for overtime? Or are they going to take it out of our vacation?”
“Max, you know the bookkeeping department!”
“I guess you’re right. Well, let’s try to enjoy ourselves, in that case, 99, We’re on vacation.”
9
Max and 99 suddenly hit water. Water was all around them. Instinctively, they held their breaths and thrashed their way to the surface. All at once they were able to breathe again, although they were still in the water.
“99,” Max said, “are you by any chance pretending that we’re vacationing at Miami Beach?”
“Not me, Max.”
“Then we must have found the bottom of the bottomless pit. And apparently it’s filled with water.”
“Does that suggest Miami Beach to you, Max?”
“No, 99, I was- Nevermind. Can you see anything?”
“Not a thing, Max.”
“I seem to be moving. Are you moving, 99?”
“I think so. Max, I think we landed in some kind of underground stream. And the current seems to be taking us somewhere.”
“Either that, 99, or we landed in some kind of underground stream and we’re caught up in the current.”
“Max! There’s a light up ahead!”
“I hardly think so, 99. Lucky Bucky obviously doesn’t know about this stream. And if he did, he wouldn’t light it, would he? And since he doesn’t, who would?”
“Would what, Max?”
“Light it.”
“But that is a light, Max.”
“99, it’s daytime. Nobody keeps the lights on in the daytime.”
“But, Max, can’t you see it? It’s definitely a light.”
“I know that, 99. All I’m saying is- Oh. It’s daylight, 99. We’re coming to the end of the underground stream.”
“I wonder where it will take us?”
“My guess would be-”
The stream swept them from the cavern and out into the ocean. Huge waves washed over them.
“Well, wrong again,” Max said.
“Swim, Max!”
“99, I’m not a child. I don’t have to be told what to do when I find myself over my head in ocean.”
They swam back to the island and dragged themselves up on the beach. After they had rested a moment, Max got up and looked around.
“Where are we, Max?” 99 asked wearily.
“I don’t recognize it, 99. But evidently something terrible has happened here.”
“What, Max?” 99 said, rising.
“Look-over there. That whole ring of trees has apparently been snapped off at the base by some giant, ferocious animal.”
“Oh. . Max! You snapped them off at the base with that collapsible machine gun-remember? We’re right back where we started!”
Max sighed. “Then this is it, 99. We’ll never find our way back to that castle.”
“Couldn’t we try, Max?”
“There just isn’t time. For all we know, Lucky Bucky may be setting out with Guru Optimo right now to take over the world. This calls for drastic action, 99.”
“Do you have something in mind?”
“Yes. I’m going to call the Chief and have him send the Air Force to bomb this island out of existence.”
“Max, in the first place, if the Air Force bombs this island out of existence, won’t we be bombed out of existence with it?”
“That’s a sacrifice we’ll have to make, 99. What’s more important-us, or the fate of the entire civilized world?”
“Well. . ”
“I tend to agree with you, 99. But I suspect that the entire civilized world would have a different opinion.”
“Max, there’s something else. How are you going to call the Chief? Lucky Bucky threw your shoe out that window.”
“Simple, 99,” Max replied, taking off his other shoe. “I’m going to use the extension.”
“I didn’t know about that, Max.”
“I try to keep it a secret,” Max said. “When the information gets out that you have two phones, some practical joker always tries to call you on both lines at once, and you find yourself talking to yourself.”
Max dialed.
Operator: I’m ready with your call to General Grant, sir.
Max: Operator, General Grant is dead.
Operator: Then why did you call him?
Max: I didn’t. Operator, this is Max Smart. I’m trying to call the Chief.
Operator: Have you tried shouting out the window?
Max: I’m on an island out in the ocean. That’s why I’m using a phone. Now, will you connect me with Control, please?
Operator: What about your call to General Grant? He’s on the line.
Max: Let him talk to Mr. Lincoln for a while. I’ll speak with him as soon as I finish talking to the Chief.
(Click)
Chief: Control. . Chief here. .
Max: Chief, this is Max. I have a desperate-
Chief: Max who?
Max: Max Smart, Agent 86, Chief. I have a desperate-
Chief: I don’t know who you are, sir, but if this is supposed to be a joke, it isn’t very funny.
Max: Chief? Is that you? This is me, Max. Remember? Your top agent?
Chief: This is in very bad taste, sir. Max Smart is dead.
Max: Operator, did you connect me to General Grant?
Operator: How could I? He’s talking to Mr. Lincoln.
Max: Chief, let’s start again. Hello, Chief? This is Max. Now, as I was saying-
Chief: Sir, it might interest you to know that not ten minutes ago I received a call from V. T. Brattleboro. He was calling on Max’s shoe phone. And he informed me that Max and Agent 99 had died in the castle, murdered by Lucky Bucky Buckley. Now, I’m certain that if Max were still alive, it would have been impossible for V. T. Brattleboro to have possession of his shoe phone.
Max: I wouldn’t say that, Chief. You see-
Chief: You’re an impostor, sir-whoever you are.
Max: Chief, let’s wait until I get back to Headquarters to debate this. Right now, I have a very unusual but nonetheless urgent request to make. The fate of the entire civilized world will depend on your answer. Chief, I want you to bomb this island out of existence. And there isn’t a moment to lose. Okay?
(Silence)
Max: Chief? Still there?
Chief: I don’t have a bomb handy.
Max: No, I want you to have the Air Force bomb the island out of existence.
Chief: I see. And what reason would I give? Because some nut called me on the phone and requested it?
Max: Chief, I’m not just any nut-this is Max!
Chief: I repeat-Max is dead.
Max: Chief, who are you going to believe, me or V. T. Brattleboro?
Chief: Are you calling on Max’s shoe phone?
Max: Well, no, I’m-
Chief: Aha!
(click)
“He hung up,” Max reported to 99.
“Max, then why are you still listening on your extension?”
“Shhh. . I think the operator got the lines crossed. Mr. Lincoln and General Grant are discussing the campaign.”
“Battle strategy, you mean, Max?”
“Not that kind of campaign-the election campaign. Grant wants Lincoln to shave off his beard. He says it makes him look like a beatnik.”
“Max. . do you think you should listen?”
“I’ll- Oops!”
Max put his shoe back on.