“Maybe five or ten minutes, Max.”
“In that case, I think I better telephone the Chief and have him send help. Ahhhh. . will you hand me my shoe phone, 99?”
“Lift your foot, Max.”
“99, if I lift my foot, I’ll fall. And if I fall, the gas will come shooting out of this pipe again.”
“But I can’t get your shoe off your foot unless you lift it, Max!”
“Then let’s try this. Instead of me-”
There was a ringing sound.
“It’s your shoe, Max,” 99 reported. “The Chief must be calling you.”
“Perfect timing.”
“Except that I still can’t get your shoe off unless you lift your foot, Max.”
The shoe rang again.
“Here’s my idea, 99. Instead of me lifting my foot, how about you lowering your shoulder?”
“Of course! Why didn’t I think of that!”
99 lowered her shoulder, removed Max’s shoe, then handed it up to him.
Max: Agent 86 here. Is that you, Chief?
Chief: Brattleboro? Is that you? Are you still trying to masquerade as the late Max Smart?
Max: Chief, I’ve never been late in my life. What can I do to convince you that I’m not dead?
Chief: There’s only one way. Have 99 tell me that you’re still alive.
Max (looking down): Chief, unfortunately, 99 can’t come to the phone right now. I’m standing on her shoulders.
Chief: I was sure you’d have some excuse.
Max: Let me try something else, Chief. Suppose I could tell you something about Max Smart that no one but Max Smart could possibly know?
Chief: Well. .
Max: Please, Chief. It’s a matter of life and death. Now, suppose I were to ask you: What was the name of Max Smart’s drama teacher when he was in second grade? What would you answer?
Chief: I haven’t the faintest idea.
Max: How do you mean that, Chief? You haven’t the faintest idea what your answer would be, or you haven’t the faintest idea who the drama teacher was?
Chief: Both.
Max: That’s right, Chief! How could you possibly know who my drama teacher was? I’ve never told anyone but 99. Now, are you convinced that I’m me?
Chief: All right, Max, I’m convinced. Nobody but you could think up a method like that to prove your identity.
Max: Thank you, Chief. Now, about why I called. You see, 99 and I are-
Chief: Max, you didn’t call me. I called Brattleboro. But, since you’re still alive, you can handle the matter as well as he could. I’m making out my end-of-the-month report and I have an expense item here, charged to you, that I can’t explain. It’s for twenty-eight cents. Will you look through your pockets and see if you can find a receipt for something for twenty-eight cents.
Max: Chief, how could Brattleboro have helped you with a problem like that?
Chief: I was going to ask him to find your body and look through the pockets.
Max: Oh. Well, I’m sorry, Chief, but I can’t get to my pockets right at this moment. You see-
Chief: Max, this is very important.
Max: I’m sure it is, Chief. But both my hands are busy at the moment. I’m holding my left hand over the end of a pipe, and with my right hand I’m holding the phone. If I move my left hand, the room will be flooded with gas.
Chief: Max, if there’s gas in the room, you better put out that pipe.
Max: You don’t seem to understand, Chief. It isn’t that kind of pipe. It’s a gas pipe. So, could you send help, please?”
Chief: Max, it’s lunchtime here. Nobody’s around.
Operator: I’ll come, Maxie. I’m not on duty.
Max: Operator, if you’re not on duty, what are you doing at the telephone company? Why don’t you go home?
Operator: Go home? I haven’t been home in over a year, Max. I have a cot right here by the switchboard where I sleep. If I left, I might miss one of your kooky calls.
Max: Just let me talk to the Chief, Operator. This is an emergency. Chief? Are you still there? Now, try to picture this. I’m standing on 99’s shoulders. With my left hand, I’m stopping the gas from shooting out of the pipe. And with my right hand, I’m talking to you. Got it? Now-
Chief: Max, I understand all that. But I can’t send help if I don’t have anyone to send. Do you have any other suggestions?
Max: How about calling the Gas Company, Chief, and asking them to shut off the service to the island?
Operator: They probably won’t even talk to him. They’ve probably heard about him from the Electric Company.
Chief: That’s a brilliant idea, Max. I’ll do it right away.
(sound of dialing, then muffled conversation)
Chief: All right, Max, the gas is shut of.
Max: Hold on a second more, Chief. I’ll take my hand off the end. .Yes, you’re right! No gas!
Operator: Maybe you didn’t pay your bill.
Max: I think 99 and I can handle it from here, Chief. Thanks for the assist.
Chief: You’re welcome, Max. Now, about that twenty-eight cents. Could you-
Max: Could I call you back on that, Chief? We’re still not out of the rough. We’re locked in a room. And, for all we know, Lucky Bucky and Guru Optimo might be getting away. We might never see them again until they took over the world. And that could be too late, you know.
Chief: You’re right, Max.
Operator: I can’t bring myself to believe it.
Max: That Lucky Bucky and Guru Optimo could take over the world?
Operator: No, that you could be right.
Max handed his shoe down to 99. “Can you lower your shoulder and then slip this back on my foot?” he said.
“I’ll try, Max.”
Slowly and cautiously, 99 lowered her shoulder.
“You’re doing great, 99.”
“It’s all a matter of balance.” Bit by bit she slipped Max’s shoe back onto his foot. “Okay, Max,” she called. “What next?”
“Next, we have to try to get out of here,” Max replied.
“Now, take it easy, and see if you can walk me over to the door.”
Cautiously, 99 took a step.
“Oops! Careful!”
“Sorry, Max. This is so new to me.”
“Step by step, 99. You can do it.”
“All right, Max-ready? I’ll-”
“What is it, 99? Trouble?”
“Max, why am I carrying you on my shoulders?”
“99, you’re holding me up so I can keep my hand over the gas pipe. If I let go, the gas will come shooting- Just stand still, 99-I’ll be right down.”
Max hopped down to the floor, then moved on the door, got it by the knob, and rattled it.
“What do you think, Max?”
“Rattling the knob isn’t going to get us out of here.”
“It’s too bad we don’t have that dynamite with us, now that we’re nowhere near any peanut brittle.”
“99! That’s it!”
“Dynamite?”
“No.”
Max reached down and got his shoe.
“Peanut brittle?”
“No, 99, a new gadget developed by R amp; D. It’s an electronic sound, so high-pitched that when it strikes an object it shatters it to bits. I’m going to call the Chief and have him send the sound over the telephone line.”