“Well, it certainly looks like the castle. But it couldn’t be.”
“Why not, Max?”
“Well, it isn’t white, and it doesn’t have a trunk.”
“Oh. . Max. .” 99 groaned weakly.
3
99 pushed the vine aside and peered into the dimness. “Max, it is the castle,” she said. “See the towers? And, look, there’s a light in a window. This is it, Max! This is the castle we’ve been looking for!”
“All right, 99, I’ll take your word for it. You know more about white elephants than I do. If you say they have towers and lights in the window, then- 99! Down!”
They sank into the underbrush. A moment later, a man in uniform marched past their hiding place. He was staring straight ahead, a vacant expression on his face.
“Max, did you see that?” 99 said, puzzled, raising up. “What a strange look.”
“It was almost no look at all,” Max said.
“He seemed to be under some kind of spell.”
“Maybe he just came from a movie,” Max suggested. “I sometimes look like that myself right after I step out of a dark movie theater into the light.”
“Max, it’s dark out here.”
“It was only a theory, 99. Not every theory- 99! Down!”
Again, they ducked down into the thickets. Another man in uniform strode past. This one had the same empty look on his face.
“Max-”
“Shhhh, 99.”
They moved back into the jungle where they could talk without being overheard.
“Max, those are guards,” 99 said. “They seem to be patrolling the grounds. How will we ever get into the castle?”
“I don’t think that’s going to be any problem at all, 99. Remember what you said about them looking as if they’re under a spell?”
“Yes?”
“Well, 99, this may come as a surprise to you, but I think those guards are under a spell. I think Guru Optimo has hypnotized them. Unless I miss my guess, we could march a brass band up to that castle and the guards would pay absolutely no attention to it.”
“But, Max, what good are they, then?”
“They’re for show, 99. Who would guess that they’re hypnotized? Only someone like myself with a very keen instinct for what is right and wrong. The instant you mentioned that those guards looked like they were under a spell, I said to myself, ‘Max-those guards are under a spell!’ But not many would notice that. And they’d stay away from the castle, thinking it was heavily guarded.”
“Max. . I don’t know. .”
“Believe me, 99. I can sense these things. All we have to do is wait for one guard to pass, then walk right up to the castle before the next guard arrives.”
“Then why aren’t we doing it, Max? Why are we still hiding?”
“Because we can’t just walk into that castle anywhere. We have to pick exactly the right doorway.”
“The doorway that will take us straight to Guru Optimo and Lucky Bucky Buckley, you mean? How can-”
“No, 99, the doorway that will take us straight to the kitchen. I’m starved.”
They crept back to the edge of the clearing. As they crouched in the underbrush again, a guard passed. Max looked at his watch. Then another guard passed.
“Three minutes between guards,” Max reported. “That will give us plenty of time.”
Another guard passed.
Max looked at his watch once more, then, a few seconds later, he said, “Now!”
They scrambled from the thickets and started quietly across the grounds toward the castle.
“Halt!” a voice shouted.
“99, was that you?” Max asked.
“No, Max.”
“And it wasn’t me,” he said. “So apparently-”
At that instant they were smothered under a pile-up of guards.
“Do you still think you could march a brass band up to the castle, Max?” 99 asked.
“99, if you were any kind of a pal, you’d pretend that I’d planned this this way and you’d be congratulating me.”
One by one, the guards peeled themselves from the pile. Then two of the guards pulled Max and 99 to their feet.
The head guard, his expression as vacant as ever, addressed them in a mechanical-sounding voice. “I-am-a-guard. You-are-intruders. See-the-guards-capture-the-intruders.”
“Yes, well, that’s very interesting,” Max said. “But-”
“The-guards-have-guns,” the head guard continued. “Do-the-intruders-have-guns?”
One of the other guards frisked Max, then took his pistol from him. Another guard took 99’s gun from her purse.
“The-intruders-do-not-have-guns,” the head guard said. “Oh-oh-what-will-they-do? Will-they-march-to-the-castle-as-the-guards-tell-them-to? Or-will-they-try-to-escape-and-get-clobbered?”
“Ah. . I think we’ll march to the castle,” Max replied.
“See-the-intruders-march-to-the-castle,” the guard said. “One-of-the-intruders-is-pigeon-toed.”
Max and 99, with the guards tramping behind them, reached the castle and entered. It had high, ornamented ceilings. The stone walls were hung with battle gear, swords and shields and lances, and portraits of noblemen in medieval dress.
“Isn’t it magnificent, Max!” 99 said breathlessly.
“Isn’t what magnificent, 99?”
“The castle.”
“Oh. I hadn’t noticed. I was watching how you walk. That guard is wrong, 99-you’re not pigeon-toed.”
“I don’t think he was referring to me, Max.”
“See-the-intruders-march-straight-ahead-to-the-great-hall,” the head guard said. “See-the-pigeon-toed-intruder-turn-red-in-the-face.”
“Yes, and see the head guard get a fistful of knuckles right in the mush if he doesn’t knock off the cracks!” Max snapped.
They reached a pair of huge, hand-carved double doors and one of the guards pushed them open. A large chamber was revealed. Gigantic crystal chandeliers hung from the ceiling. Here, too, on the walls, were medieval weapons. And in the center of the hall was a long dining table. Seated at the table were a short, fat man, wearing a checkered suit, a pink-and-white striped shirt, and brown-and-white shoes, and a younger man, who was tall and thin and who was dressed in a loin cloth and a turban.
The guards marched Max and 99 to the table.
“See-the-intruders,” the head guard announced. “The-guards-have-captured-the-intruders. The-guards-are-good-guards.”
The young man in the loin cloth made a gesture and the guards backed away.
The older man looked at Max and 99 curiously, then broke into a smile. “Hiya, boobies!” he said. “What’s the deal?”
“We refuse to answer,” Max replied. “All we have to tell you is our name and our number. I’m Max Smart and my number is 86. That’s all you’ll get from me.” He leaned forward, peering at the meat on the platter in the center of the table. “Is that roast beef cooked in a vinegar wine, by any chance?”
“Ain’t you gonna introduce me to the skirt?” the fat man asked.
“The skirt?”
“He means me, Max,” 99 explained. She addressed the fat man. “I’m 99 and my number is 99,” she said. “That’s all you’ll get from me too.”
“Gladdaknowya,” he replied. “Me, I’m Lucky Bucky Buckley.”
“Aren’t you going to introduce us to the loin cloth?” Max said.
“Oh. . yeah. This squirrel over here in the hip hanky and bath towel is Guru Optimo. He’s my act. I’m his agent. Now, to repeat the previous question-what’s the deal? What’re you two boobies doin’ on the island? This is private property, which I rented for the duration.”
“Is that asparagus in that dish?” Max pointed.
“I ain’t fingerin’ no vegetable ’til I get some answers,” Lucky Bucky replied. “But, after I get some answers, who’s to say maybe I wouldn’t invite a couple wayfarin’ strangers to sup and dine with me?”
Max’s eyes narrowed. “Are you trying to tempt me with a stalk of asparagus? If you are, you’re wasting your time. You could offer me a full meal and I still wouldn’t tell you that we’re secret agents, working out of Control.”
“Max!” 99 said admonishingly. “You told him!”
“Oh.”
“It ain’t no surprise to me,” Lucky Bucky said. “I been expectin’ somebody from your outfit. Guru Baby told me about you guys. He told me about them other guys, that KAOS outfit, too. That’s how come I posted the guards.”