They descended a dimly-lighted stone stairway, then entered a narrow corridor.
99 began humming.
“99, what are you doing?”
“I’m humming along.”
“Along? Along with what?”
“I’m carrying a rock ’n’ roll group to Staten Island to play at a mugging and they’re on my top deck, practicing,” she replied.
They entered a large chamber that was furnished with various implements of torture, a rack and a screw and a tape machine that played back old political speeches. The guards took Max and 99 to a device that looked like a wishing well.
“Well?” Max said.
“That’s what it is, all right,” Lucky Bucky replied.
“What I meant was, well, what happens now?”
“Look into the well,” Lucky Bucky said.
“Oh, no you don’t. I’ve been around a bit too long to fall for the old when-he-looks-into-the-well-somebody-will-give-him-a-shove-from-behind trick.”
“Nobody will push,” Lucky Bucky replied. “Honest-on my word as an agent.”
“Ah. . could you do a little better than that?”
“All right, on my word as the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.”
“That’s better.”
Max peered down into the well. “Ummmm. . boiling oil,” he said. “And what are those lumps in it?”
“Crocodiles.”
“Boiling oil swimming with crocodiles. Isn’t that sort of gilding the lily? Wouldn’t one or the other, boiling oil or crocodiles, be enough?”
“With me, it’s playing it safe,” Lucky Bucky replied. “If the oil don’t get the victim, the crocodiles will. And what difference does it make to the victim? A guy that’s drowning in boiling oil don’t mind a little thing like a nibble from a crocodile.”
“Ughhhhh!” 99 shuddered.
“You’re frightening the Staten Island Ferry,” Max said to Lucky Bucky.
“It isn’t that,” 99 said. “The passengers are littering my decks with gum wrappers and paper cups.”
“How, exactly, do you expect to get us into the well?” Max asked Lucky Bucky. “Remember, you gave us your word as the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court that you wouldn’t shove us from behind.”
“You can shove me from behind,” 99 said to Lucky Bucky. “It will serve those litter-bugs right.”
Lucky Bucky pointed to a large bucket that was suspended over the well. “See the bucket?”
“Yes, I see the bucket,” Max replied.
Lucky Bucky pointed to a crank at the side of the well. “See the crank?”
“Yessss. . I see the crank.”
“You’ll be in the bucket,” Lucky Bucky explained. “When the crank is turned, down will go the bucket. Understand?”
Max looked closely at the bucket, then at the crank. “It won’t work,” he answered.
“Why not?”
“I won’t be able to reach that crank from the bucket. It’s too far.”
“You think I’d make you turn your own crank?” Lucky Bucky said, hurt. “What kind of a host would I be?” He indicated one of the guards. “He’ll turn the crank.”
“In that case, maybe it’ll work,” Max said.
“Into the bucket,” Lucky Bucky commanded.
“And. . suppose we refuse?” Max said defiantly.
Lucky Bucky pulled a gun and pointed it at him. “If you refuse, we’ll just have to skip the bucket bit and get straight to the killing.”
Max smiled cunningly. “Well, Lucky Bucky Buckley, you’ve finally showed your hand, eh? You really mean to murder us. This is what I’ve been waiting for-the moment when you’d declare yourself.”
“Pardon?”
“Do you actually believe that two highly-trained secret agents would be stupid enough to come to this island alone? We’ve just been playing along, waiting for you to make that one fatal mistake that every criminal finally makes. And you, Lucky Bucky Buckley, have made it. You’ve threatened us with murder. That’s against the law, you know. Now, we have something on you!”
“Will you get to the point?” Lucky Bucky said. “The crocodiles haven’t been fed in a week.”
“The point is that this castle is completely surrounded.”
“With what?”
“With hundreds of Control agents.”
“How did they get here?”
“How did they get here? Well, ah, they dropped by parachute.”
“I have guards in the towers. The guards would have seen them.”
“Oh. Well, then, would you believe that they were landed by submarine?”
“The beach is too shallow. A submarine couldn’t get within a mile of this island.”
“Ummmm. . well, then, would you believe that they were born and raised here?”
“The only thing that was born and raised on this island that’s still here is a bunch of coconut trees.”
“I suppose you’ve never heard of a bunch of secret agents disguising themselves.”
“Into the bucket!” Lucky Bucky ordered; “or I’ll disguise you as a secret agent full of bullet holes!”
Resigned, Max climbed up on the edge of the well, then stepped into the bucket.
“You next!” Lucky Bucky said to 99.
“Gurgch, gurgch, gurgch,” 99 said.
“What’s that?” Lucky Bucky asked curiously.
“She’s pumping out her bilges,” Max explained. “It’s a thing a ferry boat always does before it climbs into a bucket.”
99 emitted a final gurgch, then got in beside Max.
Lucky Bucky addressed the guard he had picked to handle the crank. “Get a good hold,” he said. “And, whatever you do, don’t let the bucket drop into the well.”
The guard gripped the crank.
“Did I hear that correctly?” Max said. “Did you tell the guard not to drop the bucket into the well?”
“My exact words, more or less,” Lucky Bucky answered.
“You haven’t been a murderer very long, have you?” Max said. “You don’t seem to have the hang of it yet. You see, we won’t die unless the bucket drops into the well. That’s the point of having those crocodiles and that boiling oil at the bottom of the well.”
Lucky Bucky spoke to Guru Optimo. “Show ’em how it works,” he commanded.
Guru Optimo raised a hand. There was a flash of light.
The guard began giggling and squirming. And every time he squirmed he loosened his hold on the crank and the bucket dropped an inch or two closer to the boiling oil and crocodiles.
“Oh, yes, I see how it’s done,” Max said interestedly. “Guru Optimo zopped the guard into thinking he’s being tickled. And, in time, he’ll lose his grip on the crank and the bucket will fall into the well. Very clever. I apologize for calling you an amateur murderer. You’re a real pro.”
“You’re not a bad victim, either,” Lucky Bucky replied, returning the compliment. “You die real good. What I don’t like is them first-timers-all that yelling and screaming. You must have had a lot of experience at getting murdered.”
“No, I guess I just take to it naturally,” Max said.
“Well, have a nice die,” Lucky Bucky said. “It’s getting late. Guru Baby and I won’t wait up for the end. I like him to get a lot of sleep. He’s in training.”
“Good luck with the tap dancing,” Max called as Lucky Bucky and Guru Optimo and the other guards departed.
The bucket jerked, and dropped a few inches closer to the boiling oil and crocodiles.
“I knew that someday I’d kick the bucket,” Max said to 99, “but I had no idea that I’d be in it when I kicked it.”
“You’re sitting on my rudder,” 99 said.
“I’m sorry, 99. But it’s a little crowded in this bucket. Can’t you tuck your rudder under your horn pipe or something? And, besides, the Staten Island Ferry can’t talk. So be quiet for a moment, please, and let me try to think of a way out of this mess.”
The bucket dropped again.
Max spoke to the guard. “You know, if you put your mind to it, you could get over being ticklish.”
The guard ignored him. Suffering a spasm of giggling he loosened his hold on the crank, dropping the bucket almost a foot closer to the oil and crocodiles.