OK.
So if you don’t like it downstairs, go up on top.
Congratulations — you’ve just cut the Freudian knot.
Sometimes it needs cutting. These Routemasters — they’re open in the back, right? Why are they open?
So you can jump on and off.
Nice one, Harold. You jumped on — now what?
You think I should jump off?
You tell me.
I’m of two minds on that.
So when the time comes you’ll get rid of one of them.
One of the minds?
Whatever.
You said you were going to tell me about the more.
The thing about more is that it comes after what comes before it. When it’s ready it’ll make itself known.
You’re such a comfort to me, Oannes.
After all, we’re in this together for the time being.
What do you mean, ‘for the time being’?
Well, nothing’s for ever, is it.
Right, then while we’re still together let’s get on with the shopping.
I thought Melissa was going to help with that.
She had to be at King’s all day today. And Leslie’s out doing his thing.
Oh yes, Leslie’s thing.
It looms.
Nothing’s for ever, Prof.
When Klein reached the zebra crossingjust afters the little roundabout at the North End Road he looked neither to the right nor left but stepped off the kerb ignoring the squeal of brakes and walked without hurrying to the other side.
You got the action, you got the motion, said Oannes.
There was a nondescript brown dog parked outside Safeway. I could do shopping, it said with its eyes.
‘Cleverness is not enough,’ said Klein as the doors opened automatically, ‘you need money.’ He read his list: 1 cabbage; 3 carrots; 1lb onions; mayo; yoghurt; bunch parsley; codfish cakes.
You’re not just a pretty face, said Oannes. You can shop too.
I’m a regular Renaissance man, said Klein. Despite the mental irritant of Leslie, he found that he was feeling good. Beautiful young women were sometimes to be seen in the shadowless fluorescent daylight, pacing indolently among the apples, pears, oranges, bananas, strawberries and pomegranates. These fruits had in the past lost their excitement when he got them home. The illuminated bottles of golden juice, heavy with sunlight from Jaffa and Florida and the gardens of the Hesperides, had become simply the ghosts of citrus past in his fridge; potatoes had been mute lumps of carbohydrate. Now, even with the front-bedroom situation, there were good things to look forward to; the potatoes were solid with the promise of earthly delights and the pomegranates would still be musky with the scent of passing Persephones.
Moving from aisle to aisle, Klein filled his basket. Everything began to seem significant now, and the signs above the aisles became a mantra as he scanned them: COOKED MEAT, BACON & SAUSAGES, FRESH CHICKEN, FRESH MEAT, CANNED VEGETABLES, SOUPS, RICE & PASTA, COOKING SAUCES, BUNS & TEA CAKES, BREAD & CAKES, PICKLES & SAUCES, COOKING OILS, TEA & COFFEE, CANNED FISH & MEAT, BABY FOODS, MEDICINES, SHAMPOOS, TOILET SOAPS, SOAP POWDER & BLEACH, DOG FOOD, CAT FOOD, TOILET TISSUES, KITCHEN TOWELS, FROZEN CHICKEN, FROZEN MEAT, FROZEN VEGETABLES, FROZEN READY MEALS, FROZEN FISH, ICE-CREAM, RED WINES, WHITE WINES, BEER & LAGER, SPIRITS & LIQUEURS, BISCUITS, JAM & MARMALADE, SWEETS & CHOCOLATE, HOME BAKING, CRISPS, SNACKS, NUTS, SOFT DRINKS AND MINERAL WATER, MEMENTO MORI & LAST JUDGEMENT, GATHER YE ROSEBUDS WHILE YE MAY, OLD TIME IS STILL A-FLYING.
‘Rosebud,’ said Klein as the flames licked round him. He was standing in front of a display of autistic ties that gabbled in crazy colours and he thought of buying one for Leslie. He moved on to a phalanx of batteries, found it difficult not to buy some just for the power of it. When he left Safeway the dog was still there.
Gissa job, it said with its eyes.
‘Fully staffed,’ said Klein.
‘Big Issue!’ growled a bearded vendor.
‘There are no small ones,’ said Klein. Bearing his frozen codfish cakes and the other supper ingredients, he continued along the North End Road for no valid reason past the Parish Church of St John with St James, Walham Green, offering its crucified wooden Christ and COFFEE HERE, past the green and leafy churchyard and four jovial drunks on a bench towards the Cock that swung its sign above the eponymous pub and further flaunted its virility with a rampant golden chanticleer in three dimensions on the roof.
There’s always Viagra, said Oannes.
‘I need Viagra like a barnacle needs a treadmill,’ said Klein, not realising that he’d spoken aloud until three passing schoolgirl smokers turned to look at him. ‘As if!’ said one. ‘What did he mean?’ said another, and the third brayed with all-purpose laughter.
Outside the public toilets a tumescent red motorcycle was parked. ‘They really know how to hurt a guy,’ said Klein, and headed for home.
49 Nimfb
Klein had written his own shopping list of salad ingredients, and at the appropriate time, feeling housewifely but trusting no one else to get it right, he made the salad and waited for the others to come home. The kitchen was in the basement, and as he sliced tomatoes and cucumbers he looked up at the legs and bodies — his view went no further — of the passersby on the other side of the area railings. The purposeful footsteps of the rest of the world made him wonder whether the place he had arrived at was as good as the ones they were hastening to.
Melissa was the first to arrive. ‘Honey, I’m home,’ she said, and gave him a deep kiss.
Klein disengaged his tongue and wiped his mouth. ‘Did you have a good day?’
‘Nothing special. What’s the matter with you?’
‘Matter? What could be the matter?’
‘That’s what I’m asking. Did you have a bad day?’
‘Nothing special. I had a bad night, though, and so did you by the sound of it. Did Leslie demand his non-conjugal rights in a way you didn’t care for?’
‘The walls are really thin in this house, aren’t they.’
‘Especially when the bedroom doors are open.’
‘What is it with men, anyhow, that they have to let off steam by buggering the nearest woman?’
‘I wouldn’t know — it’s been so long since I had any steam to let off. You must be used to it, though, with Leslie.’
‘Sometimes I don’t mind but last night I wasn’t in the mood.’
‘Neither was I.’
‘Harold —’ she put her hand on his arm, ‘I know you were looking forward to joining in and I’m sorry it didn’t work out that way but we’ve only just moved in and …’ She wound herself around him and nuzzled his cheek, ‘We’ve got lots of great nights ahead of us. Leslie has this heavy macho thing but I can settle him down and we’ll have a really good time together — you’ll see.’
‘I think not, Melissa.’
She unwound with the speed of a striking rattlesnake. ‘What do you mean, Prof?’
‘I mean, you can stay but Leslie’s got to go. I didn’t mind it so much when he was doing you in Camberwell but I’ll be goddamned if I want him doing you in my front bedroom.’
‘But I thought, you know, you wanted a ménage à trois.’
‘So did I but the fact is that I just don’t like Leslie. Maybe we could ménage better if we found a woman to be the third in this house. I imagine I could find one without too much trouble — you’re not the only one that can be bought.’