I don’t take my eyes off his.
I take his hand, and pull him into the shower the moment I’m naked. The first thing I do is fill my palms with soap and begin lathering it over his skin, taking extra long on the bits coated in dried blood. The bubbles foam red, and I feel my stomach turn, but I don’t stop. I rub until there’s nothing left, and all the blood has washed down the drain. Then, I reach up with a palm full of shampoo, and I begin to lather his head. He puts his palms on the wall in front of him, and drops his head, closing his eyes.
I finish up, and then I slowly turn him around, and tuck myself into his chest. He doesn’t put his arms around me, because Axel doesn’t hug. It doesn’t matter, though; he’s letting me hold onto him, which I know we both need. He lowers his mouth to my ear, and in a crackly voice, he rasps, “He bled for you, and anyone who ever hurts you again will bleed for you.”
I stare down at Axel as he sleeps, knowing he’s exhausted. He’s on his back, with his hands up near the pillows. He’s breathing deeply, and I know he needs this rest.
I slip out of the bed, and I tiptoe out of the room. I walk down the stairs, and into the lounge. I peer around, looking for Lady, and I see her outside with a phone pressed into her hand. I step out, and she spins around when she sees me.
“What are you doing, Lady?” I ask.
She looks at me sadly. “I just called Coby, I needed to make sure he was okay...”
“Is he?” I say, walking over, and leaning against the railing.
“He is. He said Axel was ruthless.”
I swallow. “I don’t imagine he would have made it easy on Trigg.”
She looks out over the yard. “Trigg deserved what he got. I just...I feel like I failed somehow.”
I take her hand, and she looks down at me. “You didn’t fail, Lady. Some people can’t be helped—or, worse, they don’t want to be. Sometimes you can give a person everything you are, but it won’t mean they’re going to give it back. He didn’t want to accept a better path. That’s not your fault.”
“You know, when Axel came to me, I thought I’d never be able to help him. He was so broken. So angry. But then, with time, something happened, and he found a way back, even just a little. With love, and understanding, and space, he found his way. I made it my life’s mission to help people after him, and I’ve had a few go through. Coby and Trigg were my most recent, and Coby has come so far, but Trigg...I just...I’m so sorry, Meadow.”
I squeeze her hand. “This isn’t your fault. Sometimes these things...happen.”
“You’re a brave girl. What you just did in there, for him...you don’t know how much strength that took.”
“He’s everything to me,” I say, looking away. “If I didn’t do it, then who would have?”
She cups my cheek. “He’s lucky to have you. You’re going to be the reason he keeps fighting. Promise me that no matter what happens you won’t let him push you away. He’ll try, it’s how Axel works, but promise me you’ll fight for him.”
“I promise,” I say with determination in my voice.
“How’s he holding up now?”
I shrug. “I’m not sure. I imagine Axel has seen worse in his life—hell, I’m sure he’s even done worse, but it rattles him all the same.”
“It can never be easy to take a life, no matter how many times you do it,” she says sadly.
“No, I don’t suppose so.”
“I’m going to get some rest. You wake me if you need.”
I nod, and let go of her hand. She leaves me alone on the balcony, and I watch as the sun begins to rise. My eyes are heavy, and I’m tired, but I know sleep won’t come to me right now. There’s no point in trying. I sit on an old porch swing, and I stare out at the rising sun. My mind is struggling to comprehend how this has all gone down. Only a month ago I was running from Axel, and now he’s here...in my bed.
I wonder how much my father would despise me if he knew I’d betrayed him so.
My heart clenches at that thought, and I tuck my legs up to my chest. I never had it easy—not really. I never got the chance to have a good go at things. My father was always working with the club, and my mother killed herself long before I could get a decent memory of her. I often try to think about her, but I just don’t remember. My father said she had a problem with drugs, and overdosed one day. That’s all I know.
I imagine now, it’s all I’ll ever know.
I feel the chair shift beside me, and I turn to see Axel sitting beside me, fully dressed. I narrow my eyes, and my skin prickles. “You’re leaving.”
He turns his eyes away from mine, and stares out toward the trees. “I have to.”
“And you’re going to leave me here?”
He doesn’t look at me, but I know he’s fighting against himself. “I have to, it’s too dangerous. I haven’t dealt with Beast yet, and...”
“And what?” I cry. “I’m no safer here, Axel...or have you forgotten already what went down?”
“Meadow,” he begins, but I cut him off.
I stand, and stare down at him. “When are we going to stop doing this? You can’t keep hiding yourself from me. You can’t keep pretending there is nothing here between us. I...I...care for you, Axel, more then you know. Why won’t you let me in? Why do you keep pushing me away?”
He sighs deeply. “I can’t give you what you want, Meadow. Even if I want this...I can’t...I just can’t give it to you.”
“You haven’t even tried,” I snap.
“You won’t like the man that’s in here,” he growls, thumping his chest.
“You haven’t let me see him. Not really. How do you know I won’t like him?”
“I just fuckin’ do!” he growls, clenching his fists. “I’m not good enough for you, Meadow. I’m not what you want.”
“How do you know what I want?” I cry, feeling my lip tremble. “How would you know?”
He storms toward me, and grips my shoulder. “You’re so adamant you want to see this part of me. I’ve given you what you think it is you want. I’ve put my cock deep inside you and come. I’ve held you to me, I’ve opened the part that you’ve been seeking, but what about the other part, Meadow? The part you haven’t accepted?”
I feel my lip tremble. “I’d accept all of you, Axel. You just won’t let me.”
“No,” he roars. “You think you’d accept me. You think that me needing to control women is a problem you can fix. You think that this hard side is something you’re slowly cracking into, but it’s not. You’re not even scratching the surface of the fucked-up shit in my head.”
He turns and walks down the front stairs, not letting me answer.
In a small, timid voice, I say, “You can’t make me stay here, Axel.”
He stiffens, and turns, staring back up at me.
“Then go, Meadow. If that’s what you want.”
With that, he disappears into the trees.
I stand in the room, debating for a solid two hours. I know this is my moment to make my choice. I’ve been coming backward and forward with Axel now for too long, and I’m tired of it. He walked away from me, leaving the door open. He told me I can’t accept what he is, and then he left. Now it’s my turn to decide if I can deal with what he’s got to give, or if I’m going to walk away.
Since Axel came into my life, there have been so many things pulling me toward him, and an equal amount pushing me away. He’s the kind of damaged most people would run a mile from, but for me, he’s the reason I breathe. I don’t want to let him go, not without knowing what it is he hides behind the shadows. The only way I’ll know is to go to him, and let him show me.