"Long I have pondered this conundrum. Much thought have I put into this problem. The infidel no longer fears us. How, I asked myself, could I strike fear into the craven hearts? More importantly how can we strike at the heart of the Great Satan when they have hardened their hearts against us?"
"They will never embrace Islam!" Yusef spat. "It is a waste of time to convert them. Instead, they must be put to the sword!"
"The hearts they have hardened are not their false hearts beating within their breasts, but the hearts of their government. Their federal buildings. Their courthouses. These places of wickedness that are denied us."
"Oh," said Yusef, who now understood.
"How to enter these places that we might destroy them from within was my thought. Long I prayed Allah to enlighten me. It came to me that even you, who wear faces that enable you to blend in with the infidel's base, corrupt civilization, were not equal to the task."
"We are equal, Holy One."
"We are greater than equal. We are Muslims."
"We are ready to die."
"Yes, you are ready to die," said the Deaf Mullah. "But are you prepared to succeed?"
"Yes, yes."
"Good. For the next step lies before you."
"What is this?" Yusef asked:
And the candle was snuffed out by a quick movement of the hovering ear trumpet, and a curtain was drawn before the dark shape of the Deaf Mullah.
Lights came on. They hurt the eyes. When Yusef looked down, there was a pen and a sheaf of papers resting before his crossed legs.
"What is this?" he asked aloud.
"It is called an exam. In order to take the next step, you must pass it."
Yusef picked up the papers. Reading, he frowned. "I understand the words, but the questions are hard."
"Yes," another said. "It is harder than passing the test for citizenship. You must memorize all manner of godless notions."
"Nevertheless," said the melodious voice of the Deaf Mullah from behind the curtain, "you will do your mightiest."
Yusef raised a hand. Then he realized the Deaf Mullah could not see him, so he said, "I have a question, Holy One."
"Ask it."
"Can we cheat?"
"Yes. Cheating is allowed by Allah, who has blessed this enterprise."
And Yusef and the others grinned. As long as they could cheat, success was possible.
It was at that point that Yusef got a good look at his fellow worshipers. Fear touched his eyes. These men did not look Arabic or even Persian. They were too white. Even the Egyptian, seen in a clear light, looked wrong. His hair was as red as a Crusader's. Two men were black, not the coffee black of Libya, but the ebony of lower Africa.
Noticing that the eyes of the others were looking back at him strangely, Yusef blurted, "I am not Jewish. Really, it is just my nose. I am a Semite, as are many of you. It is a Semitic nose, not a Jewish one. There is a very great difference."
That night everyone took the exam, and though they cheated their mightiest, as Allah would wish them to, no one passed.
"Have we failed?" asked the flame-haired Egyptian.
"No," returned the Deaf Mullah. "This is not the true test, for that can only be given by the generals who control the infidel army we seek to infiltrate."
"What army is this?"
"The most dreaded army in this hateful land." Yusef said, "It is the Marines. They are the most feared."
"The Marines were crushed and broken in Lebanon," the Deaf Mullah reminded.
"It is the Navy," said another. "For the Navy have warriors who are called sea lions and can swim underwater like fish and steal up from the very waters to do evil, un-Islamic things."
"You will not become Navy SEAL," intoned the Deaf Mullah from behind his curtain.
"Then what will we be?" a man wondered aloud. "We cannot be Army men. For all know the Army is composed of pigs."
"They are called grunts," said the Deaf Mullah. "Not pigs."
"What army, O Imam?" they beseeched him. Then the uniforms were brought out.
They were blue and gray. Down the gray pant legs ran a very military blue stripe. And on the breast and shoulder was a patch showing a striking eagle's head. "We are Air Force!" he cried.
"Shut up, Jew," a man cried sourly. "These are not Air Force uniforms."
"They are blue and they show an eagle. Unquestionably it is Air Force that we will infiltrate."
"These are not the uniforms of the United States Air Force. Note the patch. What do the initials say?"
"USPS," a man said slowly.
"We are paratroopers!" Yusef exclaimed. "We will jump out of airplanes and strike at will! Allah be praised."
"Your brains are in your nose," the sour voice of the fiery-haired Egyptian spat at Yusef.
"May Allah change your face," Yusef retorted hotly. The two men jumped up and squared off.
The Deaf Mullah clapped his hands sharply. "There will be no fighting in this holy place. Remember that 'Islam' means 'peace.' We are men of peace when dealing with one another."
"But men of death when dealing with the infidel," said the Egyptian who had been about to punch Yusef in his camel-like nose.
"You will not be paratroopers," the Deaf Mullah said quietly. "For the initials USPS stand for United States Postal Service."
A hush fell over the room. The men looked at one another, their faces contorting with confusion and doubt.
"We will be mailmen?"
"You will be the Messengers of Muhammad," the Deaf Mullah announced, standing up.
"A boustajai?" asked Yusef.
"No uniform is more feared!" the Deaf Mullah proclaimed. "Nor more respected. Wearing these colors, you will be admitted freely into the holiest of holies of the infidel nation. No one will question you. No one may challenge you. For their mail is sacred to the infidel. You will swear allegiance to the mighty postmaster general, but in reality you are answerable only to your imam and Allah the Compassionate, the Merciful, on whom all praise must fall."
"I cannot be a postman," Yusef complained. "I am a Palestinian. It is a demotion in the eyes of Allah."
"As a Palestinian, you are a fierce killer?"
"Yes. Many enemies have I slain."
"Tell me, O brother, who do you fear?"
"No one."
"Do you fear the Israeli?"
"Never! I have killed Israelis like dogs."
"If I placed you in a room with two doors and told you that you could have any weapon at your disposal and that you must escape through one door and one door only, which door would you choose? The one behind which stands an Israeli soldier or the one behind which stands a United States postman?"
"Both are armed?" asked Yusef. "With Uzis."
Yusef hesitated. "If they are both armed with Uzis, I might be able to kill the Israeli first. Or trick him by pretending to surrender and slaying him when his guard is down. But the postman, if he is armed that means he has gone crazy. Who can defeat a crazy man?"
"Exactly."
"A crazy man is crazy. He will not listen to reason, but only shoot without discrimination. Even at his own."
"Yes," said the Deaf Mullah. "The postal worker is feared because he has been driven mad by the stern demands of un-Islamic living. He will kill anyone or anything without compunction."
"This is my point exactly," retorted Yusef.
The Deaf Mullah lifted his voice to address them all. "Today. In the West, if an American was walking down a dark street and was confronted by one of you wearing a kaffiyeh over your face and a postal worker carrying a gun, the American would throw himself on your mercy because he knows from the wild look in the postal worker's eyes no mercy is to be found there. That is why you will wear this feared uniform. This is how you will infiltrate the buildings that are denied to us by increased American security. This is how we will bring down the towers of the infidel so that the minarets of our own pure and thrice-blessed culture may rise to the very stars."