“Sir,” mumbles Chunaram. “Sir, I am so sorry, this boy says that if he talks to the eyes the book must contain only his story and nothing else. Plus it must be his words only.”
Only his story? His words only?
“Sir, he is a beastly boy, but it’s a good story.”
Jarnalis, your brow creases, strange figures dance on your forehead. You gitpit with Chunaram, who pleads, “Drop this demand. It’s impossible. This jarnalis already has a plan for his book. It is already agreed. Jarnalis talks of an agent, plus a type called editor.”
Makes no sense. How can foreigners at the world’s other end, who’ve never set foot in Khaufpur, decide what’s to be said about this place?
“I guess the way it works,” says Chunaram, “is jarnalis bribes agent, agent bribes type. Business, na?” He gives a laugh, smirky bastard thinks he’s won.
Well, I’m in a shining fucking rage, here and now I will cut the throat of this plan. “Give me the address of this editor type, I’ll send a letter! I’ll say this Jarnalis should not be allowed to tell my story. Comes here strutting like some sisterfuck movie star. What? Does he think he’s the first outsider ever to visit this fucking city? People bend to touch his feet, sir, please sir, your help sir, sir my son, sir my wife, sir my wretched life. Oh how the prick loves this! Sultan among slaves he’s, listens with what lofty pity, pretends to give a fuck but the truth is he’ll go away and forget them, every last one. For his sort we are not really people. We don’t have names. We flit in crowds at the corner of his eye. Extras we’re, in his movie. Well bollocks to that. Tell mister cunt big shot that this is my movie he’s in and in my movie there is only one star and it’s me.”
“I’m not saying all that,” says Chunaram, but we both know he must, it’s Animal he’s dealing with, not one of his stooges, no one can get the better of me, I do what I want.
How often have I watched Chunaram make deals? After all the talking, there is always a silence as money changes hands, notes are counted, folded, put away. What is that hush? Jarnalis, I will tell you. On your side it’s shame because you know you’re paying shit for something priceless. Chunaram has no shame, his silence is delight, he has taken a fortune for a thing he considers worthless.
So then there’s silence.
“One more thing, he must give me his shorts.”
Two days pass, comes Chunaram with a bundle. Inside is the tape mashin and many tapes, folded on top are the shorts. First thing I do is put them on, they are too big but by tying string I make them tight. There’s a lump in one of the pockets. I put in my hand, out comes the shiny lighter. There’s a picture of a cannon on it, plus some writing. Holding it to the light, I make out Inglis letters. PHUOC TUY so I guess that’s your name, it’s Phuoc Tuy. On the other side in Hindi is my name, ANIMAL, so then I know you’ve given me your lighter too. Chunaram reads the letter you sent. “Animal, you think books should change things. So do I. When you speak, forget me, forget everything, talk straight to the people who’ll read your words. If you tell the truth from the heart, they will listen.” There’s a lot more like this, then a good bit, “The shorts come from Kakadu where there are crocodiles.”
Such a fool you were, Jarnalis. Gave your shorts but left Khaufpur with nothing. Not a single tape did I make. Not one. Chunaram said if you are not going to use the mashin, I’ll sell it, so I hid it in the wall where the scorpions live, from then till today solid time has passed, you must be wondering, why is this putain telling his story now? What’s changed? What happened?
What’s changed? Everything. As to what happened, well, there are many versions going round, every newspaper had a different story, not one knows the truth, but I’m not talking to this tape for truth or fifty rupees or Chunaram’s fucking kebabs. I’ve a choice to make, let’s say it’s between heaven and hell, my problem is knowing which is which. Such is the condition of this world that if a creature finds peace, it’s just a rest before greater anguish, I do not know what name you could give to the things I have done.
Jarnalis, I’m a hard bastard, I hide my feelings. Ask people they’ll tell you I’m the same as ever, anyone in Khaufpur will point me out, “There he is! Look! It’s Animal. Goes on four feet, that one. See, that’s him, bent double by his own bitterness.” People see the outside, but it’s inside where the real things happen, no one looks in there, maybe they don’t dare. I really think this is why people have faces, to hide their souls. Has to be, or every street in Khaufpur would be a passage through hell, which Ma Franci says it is anyway, except she sees angels suffering, I see panicked humans. One night Farouq and me, we’d drunk a lot of bhang, about enough to get you on first name terms with god, we were ogling women in Naya Bazaar, as I looked at passersby their faces vanished, just disappeared, I could see their souls. Most were ugly, some shone like green birds, but all without exception were full of fear. I told this to Farouq and said, “Look at my soul, tell me what does it look like.”
“Your soul?” He began laughing and couldn’t stop. “Your soul, my dear, is a tomb, even god can’t see inside.” This happened on the night of Holi, when he was trying to get me laid.
Jarnalis, there’s a lot to tell, it wants to come out. Like rejoicing, the world’s unspoken languages are rushing into my head. Unusual meanings are making themselves known to me. Secrets are shouting themselves into my ear, seems there’s nothing I cannot know. Ssspsss, haaarrr, khekhekhe, mmms, this is how the voices are, often I’ll babble aloud the things they tell me. “Tu dis toujours des absurdités,” Ma says, smiling, the rest just shrug, “Fucking boy, crazy as fishguts. Sees things, hears voices that aren’t there.” Well, I do see them, I do hear. To deny what you do see and believe in things you don’t, that you could call crazy. Some believe in god whom they’ve never seen, who never says hello. In each other’s dreams we are all fucking fishguts. It’s better I speak these things to the tape.
Hah! This story has been locked up in me, it’s struggling to be free, I can feel it coming, words want to fly out from between my teeth like a flock of birds making a break for it. You know that sudden clap of wings when they take off in a hurry, it’s that sound, listen, clap, clap, clap.
Pandit Somraj’s good friend, the poet Qaif Khaufpuri, when he grew old his poetry dried up inside him, an ulcer came on his leg, an open mouth that wouldn’t go, one day it began reciting such sweet verses, his poems were trying to burst their way out of him.