Dad gives me a puzzled look and then refocuses on the issue.
“I must ask this, Nathan and answer it honestly. Does she want to marry him? Does she love him?”
I shake my head vehemently. “I don’t think so. He’s changed, and not for the better over the course of their relationship. I can’t even figure out what she still sees in him other than job security.”
“I see,” he replies thoughtfully. “Okay then, let’s get to work with some basic analysis. Grab the pad on the back seat and there are pens in the glove box.”
I know better than to question Dad when the pads come out. In his mind, every problem requires a list and extensive notes to examine. It’s how he makes sense of the world.
“Okay, draw a line down the middle—a column for you, and a column for him.”
My line is shaky. I scrawl Nathan and Arnold on the top line.
“Age relative to Brooke?”
“I think he’s in his late thirties or early forties, and she’s thirty.”
Dad lifts his eyebrows but doesn’t comment. “Write the subject on the far left, then minus four for you and plus ten for him.”
“Career?”
“Animator, versus company president.” I dutifully write out the details.
“Financial Standing?”
“Well, he makes a lot more than me, that’s for sure. But I do okay.”
Dad nods towards the pad so that I write it down.
“Education?”
“I heard he has an MBA from Harvard. I have an art degree.” I cringe at how pathetic that sounds.
“Level of attractiveness from a female’s perspective?”
“Geek, versus Adonis,” I scribble down, my spirits falling further.
“Physique?”
“I’m in good shape, but he’s in great shape.”
Dad frowns. Something occurs to me.
“You know what though? I think I’m bigger. I mean I think my, well you know…” I point down at my crotch.
“Your penis?” Dad questions matter of fact, like I’m comparing beaker tubes in a lab.
I take a deep breath. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure my penis is much bigger than his. Brooke only had regular sized condoms at her place which wouldn’t fit me.”
He finally grins with this victory. “Well, you are an Evans, Son. Besides, statistics show that well-endowed men have greater success securing their desired mate. Take my word for it; that’s a definite asset.”
Okay then. Finally, one for the home team.
“So while we are on that subject, how about sexual prowess?” he asks.
“Well that’s like comparing Pee Wee Herman to Warren Beatty in his day.”
He coughs. I’m impressed that Dad can keep a straight face.
“Sharing common interests with Brooke?”
“I think I win there, hands down. I don’t even think Arnold likes cartoons.”
“Okay, that’s good. And finally, some of the most significant attributes…personality? List five qualities each.”
“Devoted, determined, awkward, inexperienced, hopeful…versus powerful, pseudo-charming, confident, persuasive…ASSHOLE.”
He pulls the car over and takes the pad out of my hand. “Okay, let me review and summarize.” He studies the two columns, his brow furrowed in concentration. He sets the pad on the console and turns towards me.
“You two couldn’t be more different. Brooke must be terribly confused. Here she’s with this Arnold person for how long did you say?”
“Three years.”
“Yes, and then you come along and seismically impact her world.” He taps the pencil down the list. “You are young, inexperienced, less successful, less attractive…”
“Thanks Dad, I’m feeling like a million bucks right about now.”
“Let me finish, Nathan. What I was trying to say is that despite all of these shortcomings, she’s undeniably drawn to you. There must be an extremely powerful chemistry between you.”
I nod enthusiastically.
“And you love her.”
“With all my heart.”
“Well then prove to her that you can be strong and confident too. Even the most successful women want to know that you can be their equal. You can do it, Son. Just think, you are about to make a deal with your comic book that could lead to significant life-altering success. You’re the most defiantly determined person I know. Your entire life I’ve watched you single-mindedly and tenaciously go after anything you really wanted.”
I nod. He’s right. Once I set my mind to something I can never give up until I achieve what I want, or get what I need. And I want Brooke. I need Brooke.
“Most importantly you need to claim her, as man has claimed his woman throughout the ages. This is not rocket science, Son; it’s human primal instinct. Make her understand that she should be with you…quite simply, she is your chosen mate. You need to be hers. We’re a highly developed society, but in the end we’re all animals. And it’s still a jungle out there.”
I smile as I picture Brooke and I as Simba and Nala from the Lion King, running side by side along the animated savannah.
He lifts up the pad, and waves his hand over my writing as he continues.
“And all of the scientific data, statistical facts and empirical evidence can’t compete with the indefinable heart’s desire. For if in the end, she loves you, and she chooses you…none of the rest of this will matter.”
He tears the sheet off the pad, wads it up and tosses it in the back seat.
Stunned, I look in behind us and then back at my dad. I’ve never seen him discard the facts…ever. I didn’t think that man had a recklessly romantic bone in his body. Boy, was I wrong. I can’t help but grin.
Before he moves back into traffic he gives me a firm nod. “Looks like you’ve got some serious wooing to do.”
Happily my Mini-Cooper is waiting patiently for me when we pull into the deserted lot, the lone surviving soldier from my hellish night. I give Dad one of our awkward hugs and thank him for not just the ride, but also his advice. He looks pleased that his pep talk seems to have inspired me.
When I get home, I fire up my computer. My task is very specific as I get on the internet, my fingers flying over the keyboard.
Google search: definition of woo
Results: Woo: To seek the affection of with intent to romance.
I return to the Google page looking for another form of help. I type in How to Woo a Girl. The results flash in a mere second, and fifth item down, I find just what I’m looking for on WikiAnswers.
How to Woo A Girl
The list starts out rather uninspiring. I was hoping for magic potions, spells or at least instructions as to where I can buy pheromones to physically draw her to me like a huge magnet that never releases its hold.
Show interest…look in her eyes when you speak to her…be sensitive and caring…be assertive, and lead…yeah, yeah, yeah
I scan further down. What’s this?
Whisper in her ear… That’s weird, but certainly easy. Do they mean all the time? That would be ridiculous. I continue on.
Dress nicely… Shoot, not with the clothes again.
Be nice to your young relatives in front of her… I don’t have any young relatives. Maybe I could borrow some? Shit, this stuff is complicated.
Help others in front of her, like the poor and needy…
Make her laugh… I’m assuming not when you’re helping the poor and needy.
For holidays like Valentine’s Day be sweet and thoughtful instead of cliché…
blah, blah, blah
Don’t be overtly sexual…well, it’s too late for that one.
Learn to dance, take ballroom dancing lessons…seriously? That has disaster written all over it.
Be spontaneous!
And finally, take the first step. If you’re ever going to win the prize you have to tell the prize you want it.