"Anyone," remarked Rebecca Dew, opening the oven door and depositing her feet comfortably in the oven, "who eats as much fried mackerel as that woman did for supper DESERVES to have a headache. I do not deny I ate my share ... for I will say, Miss Baker, I never knew anyone who could fry mackerel like you ... but I did NOT eat four pieces.”
"Miss Dew dear," said Susan earnestly, laying down her knitting and gazing imploringly into Rebecca's little black eyes, "you have seen something of what Mary Maria Blythe is like in the time you have been here. But you do not know the half ... no, nor yet the quarter. Miss Dew dear, I feel that I can trust you. May I open my heart to you in strict confidence?”
"You may, Miss Baker.”
"That woman came here in June and it is my opinion she means to stay here the rest of her life. Everyone in this house detests her ... even the doctor has no use for her now, hide it as he will and does. But he is clannish and says his father's cousin must not be made to feel unwelcome in his house. I have begged," said Susan, in a tone which seemed to imply she had done it on her knees, "I have begged Mrs. Dr. to put her foot down and say Mary Maria Blythe must go. But Mrs. Dr. is too softhearted ... and so we are helpless, Miss Dew ... completely helpless.”
"I wish I had the handling of her," said Rebecca Dew, who had smarted considerably herself under some of Aunt Mary Maria's remarks. "I know as well as anyone, Miss Baker, that we must not violate the sacred proprieties of hospitality, but I assure you, Miss Baker, that I would let her have it straight.”
"I could handle her if I did not know my place, Miss Dew. I never forget that I am not mistress here. Sometimes, Miss Dew, I say solemnly to myself, 'Susan Baker, are you or are you not a door-mat?' But you know how my hands are tied. I CANNOT desert Mrs. Dr. and I MUST NOT add to her troubles by fighting with Mary Maria Blythe. I shall continue to endeavour to do my duty.
Because, Miss Dew dear," said Susan solemnly, "I could cheerfully die for either the doctor or his wife. We were such a happy family before she came here, Miss Dew. But she is making our lives miserable and what is to be the outcome I cannot tell, being no prophetess, Miss Dew. Or rather, I CAN tell. We will all be driven into lunatic asylums. It is not any one thing, Miss Dew ... it is scores of them, Miss Dew ... hundreds of them, Miss Dew. You can endure one mosquito, Miss Dew ... but think of millions of them!”
Rebecca Dew thought of them with a mournful shake of her head.
"She is always telling Mrs. Dr. how to run her house and what clothes she should wear. She is always watching me ... and she says she never saw such quarrelsome children. Miss Dew dear, you have seen for yourself that our children NEVER quarrel ... well, hardly ever ...”
"They are among the most admirable children I have ever seen, Miss Baker.”
"She snoops and pries ...”
"I have caught her at it myself, Miss Baker.”
"She's always getting offended and heart-broken over something but never offended enough to up and leave. She just sits around looking lonely and neglected until poor Mrs. Dr. is almost distracted. Nothing suits her. If a window is open she complains of draughts. If they are all shut she says she DOES like a little fresh air once in a while. She cannot bear onions ... she cannot even bear the smell of them. She says they make her sick. So Mrs.
Dr. says we must not use any. Now," said Susan grandly, "it may be a common taste to like onions, Miss Dew dear, but we all plead guilty to it at Ingleside.”
"I am very partial to onions myself," admitted Rebecca Dew.
"She cannot bear cats. She says cats give her the creeps. It does not make any difference whether she sees them or not. Just to know there is one about the place is enough for her. So that poor Shrimp hardly dare show his face in the house. I have never altogether liked cats myself, Miss Dew, but I maintain they have a right to wave their own tails. And it is, 'Susan, never forget that I cannot eat eggs, please,' or 'Susan, how often must I tell you I cannot eat cold toast?' or 'Susan, SOME people may be able to drink stewed tea but I am not in that fortunate class.' Stewed tea, Miss Dew! As if I ever offered anyone stewed tea!”
"Nobody could ever suppose it of you, Miss Baker.”
"If there is a question that should not be asked she will ask it.
She is jealous because the doctor tells things to his wife before he tells them to her ... and she is always trying to pick news out of him about his patients. Nothing aggravates him so much, Miss Dew. A doctor must know how to hold his tongue, as you are well aware. And her tantrums about fire! 'Susan Baker,' she says to me, 'I hope you never light a fire with coal-oil. Or leave oily rags lying around, Susan. They have been known to cause spontaneous combustion in less than an hour. How would you like to stand and watch this house burn down, Susan, knowing it was your fault?' Well, Miss Dew dear, I had my laugh on her over THAT. It was that very night she set her curtains on fire and the yells of her are ringing in my ears yet. And just when the poor doctor had got to sleep after having been up for two nights! What infuriates me most, Miss Dew, is that before she goes anywhere she goes into my pantry and COUNTS THE EGGS. It takes all my philosophy to refrain from saying, 'Why not count the spoons, too?' Of course the children hate her. Mrs. Dr. is just about worn out keeping them from showing it. She actually slapped Nan one day when the doctor and Mrs. Dr. were both away ... SLAPPED her ... just because Nan called her 'Mrs Mefusaleh' ... having heard that imp of a Ken Ford saying it.”
"I'd have slapped HER," said Rebecca Dew viciously.
"I told her if she ever did the like again I WOULD slap her. 'An occasional spanking we do have at Ingleside,' I told her, 'but slapping never, so put that in pickle.' She was sulky and offended for a week but at least she has never dared to lay a finger on one of them since. She loves it when their parents punish them, though. 'If I was your mother,' she says to Little Jem one evening. 'Oh ho, you won't ever be anybody's mother,' said the poor child ... driven to it, Miss Dew, absolutely driven to it.
The doctor sent him to bed without his supper, but who would you suppose, Miss Dew, saw that some was smuggled up to him later on?”
"Ah, now, WHO?" chortled Rebecca Dew, entering into the spirit of the tale.
"It would have broken your heart, Miss Dew, to hear the prayer he put up afterwards ... all off his own bat, 'O God, please forgive me for being impertinent to Aunt Mary Maria. And O God, please help me to be always very polite to Aunt Mary Maria.' It brought the tears into my eyes, the poor lamb. I do NOT hold with irreverence or impertinence from youth to age, Miss Dew dear, but I must admit that when Bertie Shakespeare Drew threw a spit-ball at her one day ... it just missed her nose by an inch, Miss Dew ... I waylaid him at the gate on his way home and gave him a bag of doughnuts. Of course I did not tell him why. He was tickled over it ... for doughnuts do not grow on trees, Miss Dew, and Mrs.
Second Skimmings never makes them. Nan and Di ... I would not breathe this to a soul but you, Miss Dew ... the doctor and his wife never dream of it or they would put a stop to it ... Nan and Di have named their old china doll with the split head after Aunt Mary Maria and whenever she scolds them they go out and drown her ... the doll I mean ... in the rainwater hogshead. Many's the jolly drowning we have had, I can assure you. But you could not believe what that woman did the other night, Miss Dew.”