“There’re your hamburgers, Emil,” said former commander Harvey Coombs. He was wearing a coonskin cap and holding a propane gas cylinder on one shoulder. Following behind were Dan Robles and Phil Tran, both dragging sacks of foraged wild goods: potatoes, onions, carrots, various greens. There was a whole truckload of the stuff outside.
The dead animal shocked us-death of any kind was disturbing to those who could not die. I suspected this was one of Langhorne’s tests.
As the restaurant went silent, Emilio Monte stormed out from behind the counter, yelling, “I just waxed this floor!” Ranting about the mess, he slipped on blood and went airborne, crackers flying, and landed flat on his back. The pickle jar shattered, launching sliced gherkins in all directions.
Sal said, “That’s no way to make a buck!”
Everyone laughed and laughed. The new Xombies were slower on the uptake, but quickly caught on, screeching like hyenas. Then the laughter abruptly petered out. The scene was over, no point running it into the ground.
CHAPTER SIX
REBELS WITHOUT A CAUSE
So the days progressed, emulsifying one into the next, until the habits of the world we were creating became ingrained. Not real… but at least routine. Many things needed to be scavenged, so the females were always begging the males to take them “shopping,” which was the pretext by which stores were pillaged for fifties geek-chic costumes and props, Xomboys cooling their heels while Ex-girls posed in outfit after outfit, store after store, with the boys teetering behind them under mountains of boxes and shopping bags. This was multiplied many times over, as there were many boys playing the same roles: nine Archies, for instance, and twice that many Jugheads (the girls were fewer, more closely matching the number of female characters, though Betty and Veronica were disproportionately represented). There were also Fonzies, Beavers, Opies, Charlie Browns, Lucys, Blondies, Flintstones, Jetsons, Bradys, Munsters, Mary Worths, Gidgets, Gilligans, Daisy Maes, Li’l Abners, Richie Riches, Little Audreys, Little Orphan Annies, and Little Lulus. Why the hell, I asked myself, wasn’t I a Little Lulu instead of a fucking Midge?
At the end of every week, the excess goods were distributed throughout the community in the form of gifts. Every Sunday was Christmas in Loveville. In short order, the town was cleaned up, spruced up, and lit up-Officer Arlo Fisk led a delegation of undead nuclear engineers to the nearby Calvert Cliffs Nuclear Power Station, getting the plant going at a small fraction of its capacity… but more than enough for the needs of the town.
On Saturdays, the entire population went to the beach, taking over a cove of the Potomac with our coolers and beach blankets and sun umbrellas. Archies danced around as if the sand was hot, and Reggies rubbed lotion on the girls’ backs. I suffered Ex-Lemuel’s oafish attentions, knowing I was expected to be his fictional “steady,” which was annoying because he took it all a bit too seriously, just as he did the Monday night football games-few of the players he tackled left the field in one piece.
Lemuel had not been the same since drowning in icy slush up at Thule; of all the Dreadnauts, he was always the least pacified by my blood. I would have much preferred spending more time with the aloof Julian Noteiro, but in the persona of brainiac Dilton Doily, he was always busy tending to the technical demands of Loveville. He actually avoided me-he shunned me… so I shunned him right back. But my annoyance grew as this silent treatment continued, until one day I couldn’t hold it in anymore.
“What is your problem?” I demanded.
Refusing to look at me, he said, “My problem?”
“Please! Ever since we arrived here, you’ve been very aloof with me.”
“Aloof?” He mulled over the word. “Aloof… hm.”
“It means removed or distant or-”
“I know what it means. Here’s the thing, Lulu: I’m not human. You’re not human. We are a mockery of everything that’s human, our existence is pointless, and we are condemned to live this way forever. And you ask me why I’m aloof?”
“No, I get all that. And I also know you were an aloof kind of guy even before the world fell apart-fine. What I don’t understand is why you have to treat me differently from everybody else. You work fine with others, you talk with others, you make an effort with others. Why do you have to be such a total Xomboid with me?”
“Lulu, I don’t know what you want from me. This whole thing is your idea-I’m just playing my part.”
“My idea? What whole thing?”
“You can cut out the innocent waif act-nobody buys it anymore.”
“No, seriously, what whole thing? You lost me.”
“Are you kidding? Lulu, you’re in command. You brought us here. You gave Langhorne free rein to use us as rats in her mind-control experiment.”
“Me? No! I’m nothing more than a liaison for Fred Cowper. He’s the captain.”
“That head can’t be captain. Fred Cowper did not lead us here. You did.”
“That’s ridiculous. When did this funny farm become my responsibility? I’m not in charge. I’m not qualified to be in charge.”
“Absolutely. That’s why Langhorne’s picked up the slack; she’s the only one willing to step up. That’s why we’re hemorrhaging people right and left.”
“What are you talking about?”
“The new Blues are heading for the hills, we lose a few every day. We’re marooned-no one’s in charge.”
“Well, I don’t hear any suggestions coming from you.”
“Nobody listens to my suggestions. You want advice? Why don’t you go ask your boyfriend?”
“D’uh, somebody talkin’ about me?”
A large hand spun Julian around, and a right haymaker knocked him clean out of his shoes.
“Goddammit!” I yelled. “Stop that, Lemuel! What the hell’s the matter with you?”
“I can’t help it,” Lemuel said, looking stricken. “I have these feelings…”
“Well, you have to control them! This is getting way out of hand!”
“I know. It’s just that… I think I love you, Lulu.”
“Oh God.”
“I know! It’s impossible. But I can’t help myself. I feel like I’m starving all the time, then if I see you with somebody else, it just makes me lose it, I’m sorry.”
“We’ve all talked about this. It’s only because I’m the last girl you knew before you died.”
“But it isn’t just that! It really isn’t. I really, really love you-I’ve loved you since I first saw you, but the more I got to know you, the more I loved you. And ever since I died, it’s only gotten worse-you’re the only thing I think about, the only thing in the world that can still hurt me. I mean actual, physical pain. You make me feel human. It’s like every cell of my body craves you, and it takes everything I’ve got to restrain myself from grabbing you and holding you and kissing you-”
“I get it, I get it, stop.”
“No! You don’t get it! If you knew what I was going through, you couldn’t treat me the way you do. You would love me back! Please love me, Lulu-you have to love me.” He lunged forward and caught me in his arms. My Maenad flesh recoiled, but Lemuel did not let go.
“Lemuel-oof!-lay off! I told you I can’t love you like that!”
“Yes, you can! You just have to try! I’ll show you!”
Clutching me in his right arm, he used the other to unzip his varsity jacket, revealing a heart-shaped door in his chest. It was silver, elaborately engraved, and in fact was the lid of a fancy music box. Lemuel’s blue flesh puckered around it.
As I watched in dismay, he opened the lid and reached inside.
To the plinking of Bach, Lemuel said, “I give you my heart, Lulu.”
Before I knew what was happening, I felt a cold, slippery object being pressed into my hand. It squirmed like a living creature.
“Now I just need you to give me yours… ”
I was about to leap right out of my skin, when suddenly a large circular saw came out of nowhere and chopped Lemuel’s head off.