As stealthily as possible, Ray left the cockpit and climbed over the starboard rail. Crouching there, hanging on for dear life by one hand, he lowered his pants and jutted his rear end into space.
Before he could let fly, something broke the waves close behind him. Something huge-an enormous black monolith that parted the sea, jutting upward, spreading its wings and casting a blinding white eye upon his bare ass. It was a submarine.
Aw, shit, he thought.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
MR. DIXON GOES TO WASHINGTON
“This is it, sir! Welcome to Xanadu!”
Looking out the windows of the big helicopter, Air Force 2, James Sandoval could see thousands of people waiting to greet him. A giant banner read, WELCOME CHAIRMAN SANDOVAL! Flags were flying, bands were playing, children were waving, and hundreds of soldiers stood lined up at attention. Those troops were wearing flamboyant parade uniforms with tall hats, tasseled epaulets, and rows of gold buttons. Their rifles looked like toys.
“Where did all those people come from?” Sandoval asked.
“They’re mostly new converts,” said his pilot, a jolly Marine aviator named Hapgood Bragg.
“You mean converted Xombies?”
“That’s right.”
“But they look so… normal.”
“Of course! We’ve streamlined the conditioning process. Otherwise, there would be no point.”
The helicopter was set down gently, and men came running with a rolling stair platform. At the edge of the landing pad was a group of dignitaries covered with medals and other decorations, the tallest one holding a giant gold key, and a line of women in flowing pastel gowns holding necklaces of flowers. Everyone had formal gloves, cravats, canes, top hats, and other such anachronistic finery, all blowing violently in the helicopter’s downdraft. It was ridiculous.
“What is this, the inauguration of Grover Cleveland?”
Sandoval stepped from the chopper as if testing a hot bath, and was immediately swarmed with greeters. One of them was a man he had been told to expect: Kasim Bendis, the mercenary soldier known as Uncle Spam, who had advised the Reapers and was blown to smithereens while hunting Uri Miska. Sandoval had heard that Bendis arrived in Washington a shambling Xombie, little more than a blasted carcass, but clearly that report was old news. The man was completely intact again, a gentleman warrior in full command of his faculties as well as his brigade. He had also jumped several ranks, from major to major general.
“Welcome to Xanadu, Mr. Sandoval,” Bendis said.
“Thank you, Kasim. Congratulations on your promotion.”
“Yes, sir. Same to you.”
Sandoval and Bendis went way back. Long before Agent X, they and Chace Dixon had founded a private security firm that in the heat of 9/11 netted a billion-dollar contract to provide force protection for the U.S. military… among other things. Sandoval was the silent partner, supplying capital and global connections, Bendis brought the military expertise, and Chace Dixon handled PR. They called it the Charm School, and it included a Christian men’s retreat, a church, a survival-training camp, an airfield, and a weapons range frequented by individuals who did not like to be photographed. The Charm School worked closely with various intelligence agencies as an unofficial recruiting center, just as the seminary recruited from the ranks of ex-servicemen. It was a useful symbiosis, because the seminary was a place in which men were trained to submit their will to God, but it was hardly a place of passive worship. In Chace Dixon’s opinion, the assault on traditional values had begun long before Agent X, and men like these had been preparing all their lives to fight it. The Apocalypse came as no surprise to them. Accustomed to railing against government-funded birth control, legal abortion, illegal immigrants, and the election of a socialist, foreign-born Muslim for president, they were amazed it took so long. Yet even as Dixon’s wildest convictions were borne out, most of his men hadn’t known how to deal with it. With Xombies swarming the country, the Charm School fell into serious disarray, two thousand hard-ass holy warriors holed up like scared rabbits at their training camp. Believing the Second Coming was really upon them, they went to pieces, some disappearing into the chaos, others throwing their weapons down and devoting their final hours to prayer. They would have died that way, on their knees, if not for Kasim Bendis rallying them to action. It was Bendis who founded the Holy Avengers of Adam-the Adamites. He even came up with their slogan: “Give Me Back My Rib.” Then he was immediately dispatched south to mobilize an army of prison convicts-the Reapers.
Bendis presented Sandoval with the key to the city, a marching band struck up “My Country ’Tis of Thee,” and together they ventured outside to a tremendous ovation.
Emerging on the green of the Ellipse, near the Zero Milestone, Sandoval was spellbound. The city of Washington was apparently intact, and then some; in fact, it seemed to have reverted to an earlier, more genteel time. There was no automobile traffic, only the quaint sight of electric trolleys, horse-drawn carriages, and bicycle rickshaws ferrying loads of well-dressed burghers about the National Mall.
Strolling onto the grass with Bendis and an entourage of city officials, Sandoval was led to the base of the Washington Monument, which had been turned into an immense hood ornament, a winged colossus representing the First Man. The statue was a framework of iron bars with gas flames burning in its eyes. In its shadow was a tent big enough for a three-ring circus, full of lights, chairs, and buffet-laden tables, where Sandoval was subjected to dozens of toasts and many pious expressions of grace. He joined the toasts but didn’t touch the food or drink, blaming a bout of stomach flu. Afterward, he was taken on an all-day tour of the city, culminating in a parade in his honor.
The parade floats were unusual, with sponsors like EX-IT and RED-IT, both appearing to be aerosol deodorants, and there were dancers, jugglers, acrobats, soldiers, and more marching bands, each group flying the flag of Xanadu: a big blue X on a red background with white stars in the blue.
Sandoval asked, “What’s Red-It? Looks like some kind of energy drink.”
“You might say that. It’s what makes all this possible. It’s what our whole economy is based on. I believe you in Providence call it the Sacrament. It’s simply immune serum in a convenient aerosol form. We have commercialized it a bit more, but it’s still the same basic thing. Soon we will begin large-scale exports, and the Xombie problem will be eliminated worldwide.”
“Do you plan to give it away free?”
This caused a great eruption of hilarity from all in earshot. People crying with laughter.
Annoyed, Sandoval asked, “Then what’s Ex-It?”
“Ah. Now, Ex-It is something we’re all very excited about, a time-release cocktail combining the immune factor with an oxygen inhibitor and a specialized strain of the Maenad agent. With that one treatment, we can essentially reboot your body’s entire DNA structure in minutes, wiping out a lifetime of accreted cell damage, as well as any disease or injury. Everything is restored to mint condition, meaning that whatever age you are, you are now functionally back to zero, so you get a whole new lifetime. And you can use it again and again! But you already know all this, don’t you, Jim? I happen to know you’re a major investor in our wonderful products, as well as a customer.”
“Yes. Yes, of course. Just making sure you all love the product as much as I do.”
“Oh, we do, believe me! Disease and death are things of the past in Xanadu, as are the personality clashes that have led to strife in all other human societies. Ex-It screens out more than ninety percent of subconscious stress factors, all that personal baggage we carry around from childhood, leading to a more homogeneous, receptive personality type. Man will finally be able to rise to his full potential.”