Apostle

Юстасия Тарасава Apostle

Apostle. That’s me. I am lying on a painted wooden floor in a strange cold house that is miles away from my mistress. Some people come occasionally (probably, they are the owners of the house) and offer me some food. I don’t want to eat. I want to be with my mistress.

I don’t know what day it is today or how long I have been here. I have lost count of the days. Too many of them have passed since that evening when my mistress left me here. I am waiting for her. She will come back, she surely will.

To be honest, the owners of my present dwelling are kind people. They worry about me and are anxious that I refuse their food and may become ill. Their house is surrounded by a beautiful, but neglected garden. Out of the window one can see a lake that is far away and the woods, surrounding it. Not a single house in the neighbourhood. I understand those who live in out-of-the-way places. These hermits are really kind, but they can’t substitute my mistress…

-1-

At first there was darkness. I woke up in something that was warm and very sticky. I stayed there for a while and then decided to get out of this place. I pushed and crawled forward, feeling that somewhere ahead of me there was an exit. The liquid that surrounded me was moving as well. I was trying hard, but had not much strength. Each motion was so tiring, but I made up my mind to get out at all costs. Slowly, but persistently I was moving forward. There came a push, then another one – and suddenly I felt that I was out of my prison. After some convulsive movements I fell on something soft. Having stayed in the darkness for a long time, I was blinded by bright light and lost my bearings. I took my first breath, choked on the liquid that was still around me and coughed loudly. I was born and let everyone present at my birth know about that by this coughing. Someone’s caring hands delivered me from the sticky stuff I felt sick of and laid me down on cozy bedding. Going through the difficulties of my birth had been so tiring that I fell asleep, completely exhausted.

I spent the first month of my life among my brothers and sisters that were born on the same day. Like me, all of them had got blind after their birth, and it took us more than three weeks to get used to the light and discern objects. We were still too weak to move on our own, but every one of us was making attempts to stand or even walk. Sometimes our legs did not want to obey and we clumsily fell on the floor, being absolute failures in walking.

When the first month came to an end, I found myself in a dark and narrow place again, with my brothers and sisters beside me. We heard the doors slamming; then there came some noise and rumbling, and then the slamming of the doors again. We were sitting all squashed together and unanimously decided that if we were going to be born again, we would refuse, because we didn’t want to go through this again. But soon my brother and my sister were pulled out, and I was left alone. I was sick of this darkness and afraid that they might have forgotten about me. There was more of that door slamming, noise and rumbling; I was carelessly swayed from side to side. At last, it became quiet and the thing I was inside of was put on the floor. I could tell that because it smelled of linoleum and a little bit of dust. Something squeaked; there was light and the hands of a stranger pulled me outside to give freedom. The owner of these hands kissed me on the nose and put on the floor. I had a strange feeling that I became owned by someone. And at the same time I felt strong awareness that I wanted to go pee. Not being able to resist it, I made a small puddle on the floor and jumped aside. The girl who had kissed my nose laughed and wiped up the puddle.

It was Wednesday, the Christmas Eve of 1988. And even now, sniffing at the floor, I can find the place where I made the puddle on the day of meeting my mistress.

-2-

I wasn’t able to sleep for the first three nights. I was lying on a hot-water bottle, with a plush teddy-bear beside me, trying to be brave. But at night a strange and unfamiliar room merged into scaring darkness; I was afraid of it and cried. Then she would take me in her arms and walk around the room. She would take me in her bed and I fell asleep, feeling the warmth of her arms. I felt her arms around me when I was sleeping, and nothing could scare me any more.

She gave me food six times a day, but I was always hungry. I was growing. When I became ten weeks old, she gave me a collar and a lead. I was a pedigree dog. But she didn’t care about that; she would have loved me even if I hadn’t got a pedigree after my birth. She gave me the red collar that smelled of leather and said that we were going to a puppy show. I had no idea what it was, but I would have gone with her to the back of beyond, because even then she had already become my mistress.

She had been preparing for this journey for the whole day and was very anxious. A taxi arrived at night; being too nervous, she forgot her bag with the minced meat that had been prepared for me. She grabbed me and ran out. It was warm and unusual in the taxi. There was an awful smell. It was my first experience of going by car, and I was sick. I had already seen snow – I was walked every day. I had already tried champagne – on the New Year Eve she put her glass on the floor and went to open the door, and I drank a little. I knew who the Zubenkos were because they came every day to play with me. But I had no idea what a car was like or how it smelled. When we got out of it, I was really happy. I sniffed at the snow and pulled my new lead really hard, running to and fro along the place they called a platform. Then she took me in her arms and carried into a carriage, in a closet that was funnily named ‘a compartment’. My brother and my sister were already there – the ones I had traveled with in the darkness. I was delighted in their misfortune, because now it was their turn to travel alone in bags, in complete darkness. Then, when nobody was looking, we ate some sausage that had fallen on the floor. We had one more fellow-traveler – a smart black puppy, a Newfoundland which was a born diver.

In the morning I woke up in a car. We were going by taxi again, but this time the trip wasn’t long. Some people gathered in a dog-breeding club to have a look at us. So, this was a puppy show. We were chasing each other in a circle; then it was breakfast time and we were led to have some food. My mistress tied a striped lace scarf around my ears, so that they wouldn’t touch a bowl. She was talking to the people who were crowded around us as if they had never seen a dog eating. Then a strict lady gave her a certificate of good growing – for a pedigree dog named Apostle, pink puppy-like colouring, the right bite, not rachitic. She was also awarded a medal as a good dog-keeper. Back at home she showed it to all our guests. The Zubenkos gave me a lot of biscuits and kissed me all in turn.

When I became six months old, I began going down the stairs myself. Before that I was allowed only to go up. Her father carried me down, so that I wouldn’t harm my hind legs. But by the fourth month I had grown up to her knees and weighed about 25 kilos. I was going down the stairs myself and was walked with grown-up dogs.

Then in May she went to the sea. She cried and said that she didn’t want to go anywhere, but she had to. Her father walked me. He was the chief of her pack, and I obeyed him. She sent me a letter. Then in June she came back and we were together again. She would tell everybody that when I was little, I used to tear newspapers and magazines in pieces and even gnawed her Literature textbook once. Then she would always add that she had sent me a letter from the seaside – it was only a sheet of paper she had held in her hands. When she came back, she was stunned to know that I had hidden this sheet under my sleeping place and growled at her parents, when they would approach the secret place. Only she was allowed to take it back.

For some reason it seemed unbelievable to her.