DIRTY HARRY
A bass player who never washes.
LYSANDER HAWKLEY
Rupert Campbell-Black’s jockey, the man who made husbands jealous.
HARVEY THE HEAVY
George Hungerford’s chauffeur and minder.
OLD HENRY
Oldest member of the RSO, once auditioned successfully for Toscanini, now rank-and-file First Violin.
ANTHEA HISLOP
A pianist, mostly employed for her sex appeal.
GEORGE HUNGERFORD
An extremely successful property developer.
MOTHER MARIA
A radiant Reverend Mother.
IMMACULATA
FAT ISOBEL
A very large viola player.
JISON
A dodgy local car dealer.
BRUCE KENNEDY
American pianist and judge at the Appleton Piano Competition.
KEVIN
A social worker.
MARIA KUSAK
A violin soloist, also employed for her sex appeal.
LORD LEATHERHEAD
Chairman of the RSO and crashing bore on the subject of bottled water.
BORIS LEVITSKY
A glamorous Russian conductor/composer. A bear with a very sore heart as a result of his wife Rachel’s suicide.
LILI
A bribable German judge in the Appleton Piano Competition.
LINCOLN
Fifth Horn of the RSO.
HILARY LLOYD
Second Clarinet of the RSO. An utter bitch known as the ‘Swan of Purley’ because she’s very refined and having an affaire with the leader. Hell-bent on becoming First Clarinet.
SIR RODNEY MACINTOSH
Musical Director and Principal Conductor of the RSO. Absolute sweetie and sly old fox, who lets others do the worrying.
GEORGIE MAGUIRE
World-famous singer and song writer.
CARL MATTHESON
Homespun American contestant in the Appleton Piano Competition.
JUNO MEADOWS
Second Flute of the RSO. Tiny and tantalizingly pretty, known as the ‘Steel Elf’.
MARY MELVILLE
Principal Second Violin of the RSO. A doting mother known as ‘Mary-the-Mother-of-Justin’.
SISTER MERCEDES
A very butch nun.
QUINTON MITCHELL
Third Horn of the RSO who wants to be First Horn.
SALVADOR MOLINARI
A naughty Colombian playboy.
MILITANT MOLL
A fiercely feminist rank-and-file viola player of the RSO.
ALEXEI NEMEROVSKY
Principal dancer of the Cossak Russe Ballet Company, known as ‘The Treat from Moscow’.
NELLIE NICOLSON
Third Desk cellist of the RSO known as ‘Nellie the Nympho’.
NINION
Second Oboe. Militant Moll’s exceedingly hen-pecked boyfriend.
NORIKO
An adorably pretty Japanese; rank-and-file First Violin of the RSO.
DECLAN O’HARA
Irish television presenter and megastar. Managing director of Venturer Television.
DEIRDRE O’NEILL
Irish judge at the Appleton Piano Competition, fond of a drop, known as ‘Deirdre of the Drowned Sorrows’.
VICTOR (VIKING) O’NEILL
First Horn and hero of the orchestra because of his great glamour, glorious sound and rebellious attitude. The Godfather of the Celtic Mafia.
SIMON PAINSHAW
First Oboe of the RSO. A walking Grove’s Dictionary who spends his time brooding on his reeds.
PEGGY PARKER
Owner of Parker and Parker department store in Rutminster High Street. A bossy boots and overbearing member of the RSO board.
ROGER ‘SONNY’ PARKER
Her frightful son, a composer of even more frightful modern music.
MISS PARROTT
The rather heavenly RSO harpist.
JULIAN PELLAFACINI
The highly respected leader of the New World Symphony Orchestra.
LUISA PELLAFACINI
His lovely bosomy wife.
NATALIA PHILIPOVA
An apparently untalented Czechoslovak pianist.
PETER PLUMPTON
First Flute of the RSO.
MISS PRIDDOCK
Mark Carling’s secretary, beloved of Old Cyril. An unfazed old trout.
ROBERTO RANNALDINI
Mega-Maestro and arch fiend, currently musical director of the New World Symphony Orchestra.
KITTY RANNALDINI
His third wife, in love with Lysander Hawkley.
JACK RODWAY
A randy receiver.
SISTER ROSE
A sympathetic nurse at Northladen General Hospital.
ABIGAIL ROSEN
American violinist, nicknamed ‘L’Appassionata’ whose dazzling talent and tigerish beauty have taken the world by storm.
THE RUTSHIRE BUTCHER
A very critical critic.
SANDRA
Christopher Shepherd’s secretary.
FLORA SEYMOUR
Wild child, pilgrim soul and daughter of Georgie Maguire. Destroyed by a teenage affaire with Rannaldini, now concentrating on the viola.
CHRISTOPHER SHEPHERD
Abigail Rosen’s agent, a control freak, who provides the respectable front of Shepherd Denston.
MISS SMALLWOOD
Secretary, Cotchester Music Club.
STEVE SMITHSON
Second Bassoon of the RSO and representative of the Musicians’ Union. Muscular right arm from throwing the book at people.
DAME EDITH SPINK
A distinguished composer and Musical Director of the Cotchester Chamber Orchestra.
TOMMY STAINFORTH
Principal Percussion of the RSO.
MRS DICK STANDISH
A skittish sponsor’s wife.
DENNIS STRICKLAND
Principal Viola of the RSO, known as ‘El Creepo’.
BILL THACKERY
Second Desk, First Violin of the RSO. Better at cricket than the violin. Jolly good sort.
JAMES VEREKER
A television presenter.
WALTER
A benevolent bass.
SERENA WESTWARD
Head of Artists and Repertoire at Megagram Records.
CLAUDE ‘CHERUB’ WILSON
Third Percussion of the RSO. Very dumb blond and orchestra mascot.
XAVIER
A Colombian orphan.
THE ANIMALS
BOGOTÁ
A black labrador puppy.
JOHN DRUMMOND
Miss Priddock’s cat, office mouser to the RSO.
GERTRUDE
Taggie Campbell-Black’s mongrel.
JENNIFER
One of Lady Baddingham’s yellow labradors.
NIMROD
Rupert Campbell-Black’s lurcher.
MR NUGENT
Viking O’Neill’s black collie.
PENSCOMBE PRIDE
Rupert Campbell-Black’s favourite and finest horse.
SHOSTAKOVICH
Rodney Macintosh’s grey Persian cat.
SIBELIUS AND SCRIABIN
Abigail Rosen’s black-and-white kittens. Like magpies, the two of them bring joy.
TIPPETT
Dame Edith Spink’s pug.
TREVOR
Flora Seymour’s rescued mongrel.