Then I got scared.
We was in a graveyard, for God's sake, and Paulie was just as clear as anything asking a dead girl to come on out of her casket with the gold handles and love him, need him, hold him and talk look see him. It was the wrong thing to do. I knew that, and I'm not the least bit superstitious. There's just some things you know ain't proper. This was like that. A guy can be unhappy and want to get his girl back…but this was somethin' God might not like.
None of us could move. We was so scared I heard Skeets behind me and he was shivering so bad he had to put his hands in his pockets.
Then we heard the noise outta that crypt.
We heard her coming. I don't think anyone screamed, but we all knew Ginny was coming back; and the way she had looked after that taxi ripped into her, none of us thought we could take it. But Paulie just kept laying it on, so sweet and charming and compelling that we knew Ginny couldn't keep sleeping with all that goodness coming at her.
Later, we got Paulie back over the fence, and into the car. We took him home, and I had three straight ryes before I could make my eyes shut.
Paulie didn't play much after that, a gig now and then, but it doesn't matter. He has his ghosts.
There aren't no ghosts except the ones we buy with our guilty desires, you know that. But with Paulie, well, who knows which is better: a live emptiness or companionship with a dead memory that likes soundless music?
I don't know, I'm not that good, that great a musician.
Chicago, Illinois/1961
I'M LOOKING FOR KADAK
A glossary of Yiddish words and their meanings follows on pp. 92-96. Please refer to same if you are farblondjet.[1]
You'll pardon me but my name is Evsise and I'm standing here in the middle of sand, talking to a butterfly, and if I sound like I'm talking to myself, again you'll pardon but what can I tell you? A grown person standing talking to a butterfly. In sand.
So nu? What else can you expect? There are times you got to make adjustments, you got to let be a little. Just to get along. I'm not all that happy about this, if you want the specific truth. I've learned, God knows I've learned. I'm a Jew, and if there is a thing Jews have learned in over six thousand years, it's that you got to compromise if you want to make it to seven thousand. So, let be. I'll talk to this butterfly, hey you butterfly, and I'll pray for the best.
You don't understand. You got that look.
Listen: I read once in a book that they found a tribe of Jewish Indians, somewhere deep in the heart of South America. That was on the Earth. The Earth, shtumie! It's been in all the papers.
So. Jewish Indians. What a thing! And everyone wondered and yelled and made such a mishegoss that they had to send historians and sociologists and anthropologists and all manner of very learned types to establish if this was a true thing or maybe somebody was just lying.
And what they found was that maybe what had happened was that some galus from Spain, fleeing the Inquisition, got on board with Cortez and came to The New World, kayn-ahora, and when no one was looking, he ran away. So then he got farblondjet and wound up in some little place full of very suggestible native types, and being something of a tummeler he started teaching them about being Jewish-just to keep busy, you know what I mean? because Jews have never been missionaries, none of that “converting” crap other, I shouldn't name names, religions need to keep going, unlike Judaism which does very cute thank you on its own--and by the time all the smart-alecks found the tribe, they were keeping kosher, and having brises when the sons were born, and observing the High Holy Days, and not doing any fishing on the shabbes, and it was a very nice thing altogether.
So it shouldn't surprise anyone that there are Jews here on Zsouchmuhn. Zoochhhhhh-moooohn. With a chhhhh, not a kuh. You got a no-accent like a Litvak.
It shouldn't even surprise that I'm a Jew and I'm blue and I have eleven arms thereby defying the Law of Bilateral Symmetry and I am squat and round and move very close to the ground by a series of caterpillar feet set around the rim of ball joints and sockets on either side of my tuchis which obeys the Law of Bilateral Symmetry and when I've wound the feet tight I have to jump off the ground so they can unwind and then I move forward again which makes my movement very peculiar I'm told by tourists without very much class.
In the Universal Ephemeris I am referred to as a native of Theta 996:VI, Cluster Messier 3 in Canes Venatici. The VI is Zsouchmuhn. A baedeker from some publisher in the Crab came here a few turns ago and wrote a travel pamphlet on Zsouchmuhn; he kept calling me a Zsouchmoid; he should grow in the ground headfirst like a turnip. I am a Jew.
I don't know what a turnip is.
Now I'm raving. What it'll do to you, talking to a butterfly. I have a mission, and it's making me crazy, giving me shpilkess, you could die from a mission like this. I'm looking for Kadak.
Hey you butterfly! A blink, a flutter, a movement it wouldn't hurt, you should make an indication you can hear me, I shouldn't stand like a schlemiel telling you all this.
Nothing. You wouldn't give me a break.
Listen: if it wasn't for that oysvorf, that bum, Snodle, I wouldn't be here. I would be with my family and my lustnest concubines on Theta 996:111, what the Ephemeris calls Bromios, what we Jews call Kasrilevka. There is historical precedent for our naming Bromios another name, Kasrilevka. You'll read Sholom Aleichem, you'll understand. A planet for schlimazels. I don't want to discuss it. That's where they're moving us. Everyone went. A few crazy ones stayed, there are always a few. But mostly, everyone went: who would want to stay? They're moving Zsouchmuhn. God knows where. Every time you look around they're dragging a place off and putting it somewhere else. I don't want to go into that. Terrible people, they got no hearts in them.
So we were sitting in the yeshiva, the last ten of us, a proper minyan, getting ready to sit shivah for the whole planet, for the last days we would be here, when that oysvor! Snodle had a seizure and up and died. Oh, a look: a question, maybe? Why were we sitting shivah in the rabbinical college when everybody else was running like a thief to get off the planet before those gonifs from the Relocation Center came with their skyhooks, a glitch if ever I saw one, shady, disreputable, to give a yank and drag a place out of orbit and give a shove and jam in big meshiginah magnets to float around where a nice, cute world was, just to keep the Cluster running smooth, when they pull out a world everything shouldn't go bump together…? Why, you ask me. So, I'll tell you why.
Because, Mr. I-Won't-Talk-Or-Even-Flap-My-Wings Butterfly, shivah is the holiest of the holies. Because the Talmud says when you mourn the dead you get ten Jewish men who come to the home of the deceased, not eight or seven or four, but ten men, and you sit and you pray, and you hold services, and you light the yorzeit candles, and you recite the kaddish which as every intelligent life-form in the Cluster except maybe a nut butterfly knows, is the prayer for the dead, in honor and praise of God and the deceased.
1
There are two ways to write a story using words in a foreign tongue. The first is to explain every single word as it is used, by restating its meaning in English, or by hoping its use in context will clarify for the reader. The second is to attempt by syntactical manipulation an approximation of the dialect and tongue, eschewing the use of any foreign words. The third is to provide a glossary and hope the reader won't be such a dummy as to get annoyed at the author wanting to do it right.
Additionally, the author, a cute and terrific little person who wants you should enjoy this story to the utmost, has called on the good offices of his friend, Mr. Tim Kirk, a Gentile artist, but also a three-time Hugo award winner, to do a drawing of Evsise, the Zsouchmoid. It is appended herewith, for your pleasure.
Adonai (ah-doe-noy') The sacred title of God.
averah (ah-vay'-reh) Loosely, an unethical or undesirable act.
Bar Mitzvah (bar mitz'-vah) The ceremony, as in many cultures, of the beginning of puberty; held in a temple, it is the ceremony in which a 13-year-old Jewish boy reaches the status and assumes the duties of a “man.”
bialy(ies) (bee-oll'-lee) A flat breakfast roll, shaped like a round wading pool, sometimes sprinkled with onion.
bissel (biss'-el) A little bit
brechh A sound you make when varjing.
brisies (briss) The circumcision ceremony.
buhbie (booh'-bee) Usually an affectionate term of endearment, although occasionally it is used sardonically.
bummerkeh (bum'-er-keh) A female bum, a loose lady. A najkeh.
chutzpah (choootz'-puh) Gall, brazen nerve, audacity, presumption-plus-arrogance such as no other word, and no other language, can do justice to.
dreck (drek) Shit, dung, garbage, trash, excrement, crap.
Evsise (ev'-seese) A native of Theta 996:VI, Cluster Messier 3 in Canes Venatici. (See illustration.)
farblondjet (far-blawn'-jet) Lost (but really lost), mixed-up, wandering around with no idea where you are.
farchachdah (far-kachh'-dah) Dizzy, confused, dopey, punchy.
fehl (feh!) An exclamatory expression of disgust.
folks-mensh (fokes'-mentch) This has many meanings. In the story it is intended to convey the meaning of a person who is interested in Jewish life, values, experience, and wants to carry on the tradition.
galus (goll'-us) An exile.
Gentile (jenn'-tile) The goyim. Non-Jews.
Gevalt! (ghe-vollt'!) A cry of fear, astonishment, amazement.
glitch (glitch) A shady, not kosher or reputable affair.
goldeneh medinah (gold'-en-eh meh-dee'-nah) Literally, “golden country”; originally, it meant America to Jews fleeing the European pogroms; a land of freedom, justice and rare opportunity. Well, two out of three ain't bad.
goniff(s) (gon'-iff) A thief, a crook; sometimes said with affection to mean a clever person; a dishonest businessman.
goniffed (gon'-iffed) The act of stealing, as in swiping Zsouchmuhn out of its orbit.
guderim (guh-dare'-im) My Mother used to say, “That kid is eating out my guderim from aggravation,” which leads me to believe the word means, literally, heart, guts, liver-and-lights, stomach, everything in the middle of your body.
Kaddish (kahd'-ish) A prayer glorifying God's name. The most solemn and one of the most ancient of an Jewish prayers; the mourner's prayer.
kayn-ahora (kine'-a haw'-reh) The phrase uttered to show that one's praises are genuine and not contaminated by envy.
kike (kike) A word you won't find in this story.
kosher (ko'-sher) As a Hebrew-Yiddish word it means only one thing: fit to eat, because ritually clean according to the dietary laws. As American slang it means authentic, the real McCoy, trustworthy, reliable, on the up-and-up, legal.
krenk (krenk) An illness. Also used to mean “nothing” in a sentence like, “He asked me for a loan of fifty bucks; a krenk I'll give him!”
mechaieh (meh-chhhhhy'-eh) Pleasure, great enjoyment, a real joy. Roll the chhh like a Scotsman.
meshiginah (meh-shih'-ghin-ah), meshugge (meh-shu'-geh), mishegoss (meesh'-eh-goss) Crazy, nuts, wildly extravagant, absurd. There are spellings for male and female, but I've written it the way it sounded when my Mother called me it. Meshugge is to be a meshiginah and mishegoss is the crazy stuff a meshiginah is doing.
mensch (mench) Someone of consequence, someone to emulate and admire; a terrific human being; I always pictured a mensch as someone who knew exactly how much to tip.
minyan (min'-yun) Quorum. The ten male Jews required for a religious service. Solitary prayer is laudable, but a minyan possesses special merit, for God's Presence is said to dwell among them.
momzer (mom'-zer) A bastard, an untrustworthy person; a stubborn, difficult person, a detestable, impudent person.
naches (nahchhhhh'-ess), nafkeh (noff'-keh) Also nafka. A prostitute.
nu(?) (!) (nu) A remarkably versatile interjection, interrogation, expletive; like, “So?”
nuhdz (nud'-jeh), nuhdzing (nud'-jing) To bore, to pester, to nag, to be bugged to eat your asparagus, to wake up and take her home, etc.
oysvorf (oyss'-voorf) A scoundrel, a bum, an outcast, an ingrate.
pisher (pish'-er) A young, inexperienced person, a “young squirt,” an inconsequential person, a “nobody.”
plotz (plotts) To split, to burst, to explode; to be outraged; to be aggravated beyond bearing.
pupik (pu'-pik) Navel. Belly-button.
punim (pu'-nim) Face.
putz (putts) Literally, vulgar slang for “penis” but in usage a term of contempt for an ass, a jerk, a fool, a simpleton or yokel. It is much stronger than schmuck and shouldn't be used unless you know some crippling Oriental martial art-form.
Reb (reb) Rabbi.
schlemiel (shleh'-meal) A foolish person, a simpleton; a consistently unlucky or unfortunate person; a clumsy, gauche, butterfingered person; a social misfit; this term is more pitying than schlimazel and more affectionate by far than schmuck.
schlimazel (shli'-moz-zl) Same as above, but different in tone. A schlimazel believes in luck, but never has any. The terms are often used interchangeably by people who don't perceive the subtle differences.
schmuck (shmuck) Literally, a penis, but in common usage, a dope, a jerk, a boob; or, a son of a bitch, a real prick.
Shabbes (shah'-biss) The Sabbath.
Shema (sheh'-ma) The first word of the most common of Hebrew prayers: “Shema Yisrael,” Hear O Israeclass="underline" The Lord our God, the Lord is One!
shikker (shick'-er) A drunk or, as an adjective, drunkenness.
shikseh (shik'-seh) A non-Jewish woman, especially a young one.
shivah (shi'-vuh) The seven solemn days of mourning for the dead.
shmachel (shmah'-chhhl) To flatter, to fawn, to butter up, usually to outfox someone to get them to do what you want.
shmatehs (shmot'-tahs) A rag, literally. But in common usage to mean a cheap, shoddy, junky dress.
shmootz (shmootz) Dirt.
shoul (shool) Synagogue.
shpilkess (shpill'-kess) As my Mother used it, to mean aggravation, an unsettlement of self, jumping stomach. But I've been advised it really means “ants in the pants.”
shtumie (shtoom'-ie) Another word like schlemiel, but more offhand, less significant; the word you use to bat away a gnat
shtup (shtoooopp) Puck.
shtupping (shtoooopp'-ing) Fucking.
tallis (tahll'-iss) Prayer shawl, used by males at prayer at religious services.
Talmud (tol'-mud) A massive and monumental compendium of sixty-three books: the learned debates, dialogues, conclusions, commentaries, etc., of the scholars who, for over a thousand years interpreted the Torah, the first five books in the Bible, also known as the Five Books of Moses. The Talmud is not the Bible, it is not the Old Testament. It is not meant to be read, but to be studied.
t'fillin (te-fill'-in) Phylacteries worn during morning prayers by orthodox males past the age of Bar Mitzvah.
Tisha B'ab (tish'-a bawve) “The blackest day in the Jewish calendar.” Usually falls during August, climaxing nine days of mourning during which meat is not eaten and marriages are not performed. Commemorates both the First (586 D.C.) and Second (A.D. 70) destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem. A deadly day of sorrow.
tsuris (tsoo'-riss) Troubles.
tuchis (too'-chhhuss) The backside, the buttocks, your ass.
tummel (tu'-m l), tummeler (toohm'-eh-lure) Noise, commotion, noisy disorder. One who creates a lot of noise but accomplishes little; a funmaker, a live wire, a clown, the “life of the party.” You know when Jerry Lewis does a talk show and he starts eating the draperies and screaming and running so much you change the channel? He's tummeling.
varf (varff) To puke. Brechh.
yarmulkah (yahr'-ml-keh) The skullcap worn by observing Jewish males.
yeshiva (yeh-shee'-vah) A rabbinical college or seminary.
yorzeit (yawr'-tzite) The anniversary of someone's death, on which candles are lit and an annual prayer is said.
zetz (zets) A strong blow or punch.
Zsouchmoid (zoochhhhh'-moid) A native of Theta 996 :VI, Cluster Messier 3 in Canes Venatici, like Evsise. (See illustration.)
(NOTE: the author wishes to give credit where due. The Yiddish words are mine, they come out of my childhood and my heritage, but some of the definitions have been adapted and based on those in Leo Rosten's marvelous and utterly indispensable sourcebook, The Joys of Yiddish, published by McGraw-Hill, which I urge you to rush out and buy, simply as good reading.)