Help us, was all I could think to ask. Crescent moon propelled by those great dark wings.
It’s not fair to my mother, my mother said. If I walk through that door, it’s like everything in the past didn’t happen. All erased. And she could have been better. His leaving made her finish her life as a worse person. If he had been there, she could have been better.
Wouldn’t she want you to have a better life now? Steve asked.
My mother wasn’t able to answer. I put my hand on her shoulder and she reached up and gripped it tight. Then she exhaled. Okay, she said. Okay. Thank you both.
~ ~ ~
Inside were wood floors, old and refinished. Everything perfectly restored. Light blue walls edged in white, furniture with curved wood along the arms, high ceilings and a chandelier. My grandfather standing nervously in his sport coat and collared shirt.
Who are you pretending to be? my mother asked, but he didn’t answer.
Did you do this yourself? Steve asked.
Yeah. I was a mechanic but became interested in carpentry just in the last few years.
The living room in front had a bay window and two cozy couches. I would sit here with Shalini. We’d be like cats in the sun.
My mother had continued on to the dining table, in the center of the small house, next to the kitchen. An old refrigerator, curved.
There are three bedrooms now, my grandfather said. I took out the central hallway and put a beam above, to make the dining room. Then I made the old dining room into a master bedroom. It has the bay window that looks out on the driveway and all the trees.
My mother walked into this bedroom and we followed. It had a king-sized bed with a padded headboard that matched the furniture in the living room, a rich tan-cream, the walls here a darker shade of blue. Open beams of the ceiling above. All clean and ready, like a hotel room. He wasn’t living in this one.
You planned this, didn’t you, my mother said. Three bedrooms.
I hoped, my grandfather said.
How long ago did you buy this house?
Three years ago.
So you’ve had us in the crosshairs for three years.
I’ve been wanting to contact you for eight years.
You know if it weren’t for Caitlin I’d walk out right now and you’d never see me again. You knew that, and that’s why you went through Caitlin first.
It wasn’t really like that, so planned. I just wanted to see her, and I was afraid to see you. It wasn’t a plan. We don’t plan our lives out, Sheri. I did everything wrong, and if I could go back, I would. I’d plan the whole thing and get it right this time.
My mother left the bedroom and looked quickly in the others. So you’ve taken the smallest, she said. And what used to be the master bedroom is Caitlin’s.
The first time in my new room. A huge bed with four posts in dark wood, carved. Soft cream comforter and pillows. I launched myself into the air and landed in heaven. I looked over and they were smiling, all three of them. I love this, I said. I love this bed. I love this room.
Lower ceiling than my mother’s, but it still had exposed beams, an old wood floor, and one of those long thin couches for lounging if you’re in a movie. The windows looked out on trees covered in snow, no neighbors visible, no piles of traffic cones or parked maintenance trucks.
I have to show Shalini, I said. Can she come over tomorrow?
Sweet pea, we don’t even know yet when we’re moving.
Can we move today?
I’ll help, Steve said.
I’ll have to give notice. We’ll be paying for another month of our apartment.
I’ll pay, my grandfather said. And you can move in now if you like.
Stop, all of you, my mother said. This isn’t a musical. We’re not all going to burst into song.
Steve grinned. My mother hit him in the shoulder, but only a love punch.
You do look happy there, sweet pea.
I love it.
Well I guess all we have to move are clothes and stuff. We don’t have to move any furniture. So here’s the deal, she said, turning to my grandfather. We move in today, but we don’t give notice at our apartment. You keep paying rent. And you spend the night there whenever I say. If I can’t stand having you here, you leave. Okay?
I was afraid my grandfather would say no, but he nodded.
That’s fine, Sheri. It’s your house now, and I’ll leave whenever you need me to.
That’s not really fair, Steve said, getting kicked out of your own house.
Anything’s fair, my grandfather said. Really. Anything’s fair. Just seeing Caitlin happy in her new room, that’s enough.
I loved my grandfather so much right then, but I was afraid I’d get in trouble with my mother if I went to hug him. One hug could destroy all the plans.
Well, Steve said. Let’s get moving.
I’ve never been so happy as when we drove to our apartment, my grandfather following behind. Crammed into the jump seat of the king cab, Steve’s music grinding, I felt like I was glowing, my entire body some kind of sun. I kept smiling. My life was beginning again that day. I could feel it.
When we arrived, I ran up the stairs to the door. It was the only way I could hide my happiness, to run ahead where my mother wouldn’t see me smile.
Steve was up the stairs next, grinning at me, and then my mother followed by my grandfather, who was carrying a suitcase.
My mother paused when she had the key in the door. I don’t think I can have you in my stuff, she said. Sorry. Can you wait in your car?
Sure, my grandfather said. That’s no problem. I’ll leave this suitcase for you to use.
My mother had said sorry. For the first time, she had said sorry to him. It didn’t matter that he’d have to wait in his car.
I saw the apartment as if for the first time, plain and cold, no warm wood, nothing cozy, all the furniture cheap, made of plywood. In the faint light, it all seemed colorless and empty, and strange that we had considered this home. We were going to live now in a different world entirely.
You can use his suitcase, my mother told me. Pack everything for a week or two, including anything you need for school. I’m not coming back if you forget something.
I didn’t have much clothing. I folded my jeans and shirts carefully, and they fit into the suitcase and I still had space for everything from the bathroom. I had a separate backpack for schoolbooks. That left only stuffed animals and other toys that seemed too young for me now. Nothing was for my current age. It had been forever since we’d bought anything. I don’t think I really felt poor until that moment, when I looked at all that I didn’t have. I had wanted to start playing an instrument the year before, but we couldn’t buy anything, and they didn’t have enough at the school. They had a spare tuba, and two trumpets, but I wanted a flute or clarinet, and those were all being used. So there was no instrument to pack. I wasn’t on any sports teams, because that also cost money for cleats and outfits and dues. I had my aquarium pass, and that was really it.
Can I play an instrument now? I yelled.
What? my mother yelled from her room.
Can I play an instrument now.
Just pack your stuff, Caitlin.
I brought the suitcase and backpack to the front door, then stood in the door of my mother’s room. She had far more clothing than I did, accumulated through the centuries. She was stuffing it into black garbage bags.
I’m playing an instrument now, I said. Flute or clarinet. And I’m playing a sport.
Just focus, Caitlin.
I’m already packed. Because I don’t have anything. I own nothing.
My mother was fast. She hooked the back of my neck. You are not going to treat me that way, she hissed, quiet enough that Steve wouldn’t hear. He was hidden behind the kitchen counter, packing pots and pans into a box. I struggled for you and provided what I could. You are not going to lord over me the fact that he has more money. He supported no one. That’s why he has more money. And it’s my money now, so you’ll behave if you want anything.