“No, better come to my flat, we’ll be alone there. It’s not as nice as yours but we can have a good cry there as well.” Natalie agrees and goes off in search of her coat. I wish she’d hurry up, I don’t want to see Rupert or Ruth again this evening. But it is not to be. Oh no, what does she think she’s doing? She returns with both of them, and Cassius as well. I shoot her a dirty look.
“Natalie says you’re already leaving?” Rupert asks, clearly disappointed. For the first time this evening I can answer without hesitation. “Yes, I think it’s a spot of flu. I shouldn’t really have come out at all.” Ruth raises her fine eyebrows but Natalie preempts any questions.
“I’m not feeling well either,” she grins, two bottles of wine peeping out of her coat pockets.
“Should I take you home?” Cassius asks, the question clearly intended just for me. “I was intending to leave anyway too and it’s no detour.” Hm, just the other end of town! Natalie shoots Rupert a knowing look and I notice Ruth glaring at me.
“No, thanks,” I reply. “I came here by car.” Rupert leans towards me, kissing my cheek but I’d rather he hadn’t. I’m not a charity case after all.
“Thanks for coming and get well soon.” I turn away so nobody notices the tears that spring unbidden to my eyes and make my way to the door.
“Goodbye!” I hear Cassius’ voice but don’t turn around anymore. I just want to leave quickly but when I'm nearly at the door Will grabs hold of me.
“I have some friends visiting for dinner on Saturday next week. Make sure you have time, please.” He grins at me but I hesitate. Surely I’d meet Rupert and Ruth there again. Will senses my hesitation and pouts. “You have to come this time! Don’t you trust my cooking? We missed you last Saturday.” Flattery will get him – well, everywhere. And he’s right, I won’t let this ice queen spoil my friendship with all of them.
“Thank you, I’ll look forward to it,” I finally reply, my voice shaking slightly.
“Good, see you then!” He kisses me on both cheeks. He’s so sweet and smells so delicious, it's no wonder Natalie has fallen for him.
When we enter my flat I realise for the first time how small and shabby it is. I’m glad that Natalie doesn’t comment on it, but in her green fringe dress she looks like an exotic plant in McDonald’s. Not that she cares, she’s busy ripping the foil off one of the bottles with practised fingers. “Where are your glasses?” she asks, not noticing my embarrassment. I show her and put on a Robbie Williams CD to drown out the sound of the TV from the neighbours’ flat. While I dim the light and light a candle on the table Natalie looks around. “Is this your family?” she asks, pointing at a photo on my desk, hidden behind books and magazines. It had been taken ten years ago during a holiday and my stepmother had it framed as a present when I moved in. “Your sister and stepmum are very pretty,” Natalie observes now. I pull a face behind her back. “Do you have a photo of your mother too?” she continues, undeterred by my silence. Obviously she hasn’t forgotten what I told her on New Year’s Eve. I stare out of the window into the black night. I don’t really feel like talking about my mum, the evening is depressing enough as it is. But then I remember that Natalie doesn’t have a mother anymore either and take the box out of the desk drawer. She gasps when I show her the photo. “You look exactly like her! Tell me about her!” What on earth should I tell her?
“She studied botany and she loved plants and flowers,” I murmur awkwardly. Robbie Williams fills the long silence.
“Why don’t you frame this photo as well?” Natalie asks finally. I bite my lip. How can I admit that I don’t want to be constantly reminded of my guilt? I can’t confess something to her that I don’t even confess to myself. But Natalie is already distracted. “Look, how big and beautiful the stars are tonight!” she cries and steps over to the window. I join her, relieved by the change of subject. She’s right, my star is especially enormous tonight, and looks close enough to touch. A silvery mist surrounds it, and as I gaze up my body suddenly feels very light, weightless. The mist drifts down and engulfs me and I feel a pull upwards. I’m on the verge of disappearing, forever, and I’ll never look back. The feeling is beyond description.
Then suddenly the spell is broken and I’m back in my flat, in my life. Angrily I turn around. Who dared to bring me back? Natalie is close behind me, her hand on my shoulder. “Stay with us, Livia,” she whispers, her eyes wide in astonishment and I notice the blue flames glowing in them. I want to scream at her but when I break away from her my head starts to spin and I have to grab the desk to steady myself. The world is shifting under my feet and Natalie’s voice sounds very far away. “Lie down for a bit. It must be the wine on an empty stomach. I’m sure you haven’t eaten today.” She puts her arm around my shoulders and leads me to the sofa. I’m too tired to resist but there’s one thing I have to know.
“Your eyes, they’re brown. How do you do it?” I mutter before I close my eyes.
When I wake up my head hurts and my eyes sting. What happened? Where exactly am I? Oh, there’s Natalie rummaging around in the kitchen corner of my flat. Low piano music floods the room and something smells delicious. Still dazed I sit up. “Sleep well?” Natalie hands me a large glass of water. I gulp it down gratefully and try to explain.
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what happened,” I stutter sheepishly. “I definitely didn’t drink too much, it was just the two glasses at the gallery. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” I don’t even know what happened. I can remember the bright star and then there was a blank. Natalie dismisses my clumsy apology.
“When you don’t feel well sometimes the body simply shuts down. I think you need some food and I’ve been cooking while you were asleep.”
“Did you actually find something?” I wonder but evidently she has as there are two steaming pots on the stove.
“Of course! Two minutes to go!” She fishes a noodle out of the pot, sampling it. “No, you sit down!” she protests when I’m about to get up to help. Minutes later she puts two large plates of penne all’arrabiata in front of us and my stomach rumbles. I’ve never been so hungry in all my life! The hot pasta fills my mouth and clears my head and it would have been wonderful if the dish didn’t remind me of my evening with Cassius.
“You often go to this Spanish bar in the town centre?” I ask without thinking. It’s more of a statement than a question.
“To Miguel’s? Yes, but how did you know?” How thoughtless of me, I really didn’t want to tell Natalie about my evening with Cassius. Which is stupid really, because the encounter hadn’t been planned. There was nothing to it. I bite my lip while Natalie waits for my answer. There’s no way out now.
“Cassius told me. He took me there when we ran into each other some days ago in the city, it was pure coincidence,” I explain awkwardly, trying to sound nonchalant, but even I know I didn’t pull it off. Natalie’s fork stops halfway to her mouth and her brown eyes look at me reproachfully. I really should have told her before. Now she probably thinks I’m meeting her friends behind her back. Natalie puts some penne in her mouth and chews thoughtfully.