“You won’t ever be able see your daughter again, you have to accept that. If I were you, I simply couldn’t leave her.” Rebecca had cried in Ruth’s arms, desolate and clueless. She had trusted her.
“You’re right, I mustn’t abandon her,” she decided at dawn. “I’ll tell them my decision today, I have to remain human.” Augustus had been distraught and took Rebecca to Madagascar to rethink her decision but Ruth had known that it was final. Nothing would persuade Rebecca otherwise now, she couldn’t bear the thought of abandoning her child. She’d stay with her human family although she hated this life. That was partly Ruth’s fault as well. The two girls had often met up and Ruth had made herself visible only for Rebecca, not other humans, intentionally. So it was her fault that people considered Rebecca a schizophrenic because everyone thought she saw and talked to people who didn’t exist. Ruth couldn’t have foreseen that Rebecca would be so unhappy and torn at the end that she would end her life, could she? That hadn’t been her plan at all, she just didn’t want her in her family. What happened had not been her fault, or had it? No, it was a calamity, Rebecca had just been too unstable after all. Ruth refused to ponder on it any more.
When some months later the next shadow appeared in the camera obscura and Rupert found Natalie, Ruth tried her best not to make the same mistake twice. This time she stepped aside for the new girl and made friends with her. Everything was fine again, Rebecca was a thing of the past. Or so Ruth thought, until Natalie dragged Livia along. Now the sheer fact of Livia’s presence would always remind Ruth of what she’d done. Mercifully she’d only been a toddler when Rebecca died and couldn’t have any idea of what really happened. Or could she? Now Ruth’s feelings of guilt are exacerbated by the fear of discovery.
Ruth’s thoughts are disturbed by a knock on the door. “Ruth, are you home?” she hears Will’s voice. Relieved, Ruth sighs, Will is the only person she can tolerate right now. Since she joined the family he’s played the role of her brother and he’s always capable of making her feel better. But she can’t confess even to him what’s bothering her. No one must know. She jumps up from the floor and turns to the door. “You left so soon, I wanted to see if everything was alright,” he says, kissing her on the cheek and putting a bottle of champagne on the table. Like Randolph, he’s the ultimate gourmet. Ruth musters a smile.
“Thank you, I’m just a little tired.” She hurries into the kitchen for two glasses to escape his searching gaze. When she returns Will pops the cork and fills the glasses.
“Now what do you think of Livia?” Ruth quickly turns away, she’s sure her expression will betray her to Will who’s very perceptive.
“Well, what can I say, I’ve seen her for the first time today and we didn’t have much of a conversation,” she stalls.
“Could I possibly have detected a certain iciness?” the boy inquires, handing her one of the glasses. Careful, Ruth thinks, Will is not easily fooled. Behind his sweet-tempered, jovial exterior he hides an unusually sharp brain. Ruth takes a deep breath and looks him right in the eyes.
“You know I’m always kind of reserved with strangers.” Then inspiration hits and she clinks her glass against his. “And what’s more, she looks exactly like Rebecca and I’m a bit shaken. You know we were very close and the memory still hurts.” Ruth drains her glass to wash down the lie. Will’s searching gaze softens immediately. Yes, she’s managed to fool him, no mean feat!
“So that’s why you’ve been so cool to her, now I understand,” he exclaims. “But if Augustus is able to bear it, you should try as well. He actually thinks it would be wonderful if Rebecca’s daughter joins us, you know. Maybe you could try his approach.” Ruth clenches her teeth.
“Maybe it won’t happen, have you thought about that? She hasn’t a clue who we really are and Randolph hasn’t even seen her yet.” Will nods thoughtfully.
“You’re right, and there might be some other complications too.” Ruth stares at him, intrigued. Other complications, that doesn’t sound too bad! But then it hits her: could he mean her secret?
“What do you mean?” she whispers in an unsteady voice. Will is busy refilling their glasses.
“Livia and boys. Haven’t you noticed how she adores Rupert?” Ruth breathes in sharply. The bitch! Rupert is hers, even if she doesn’t want him. First Livia sneaks into her family, then she wants to grab her Rupert. Who does she think she is? ”On top of that I get the impression that Cassius is after her.” Ruth freezes.
“What?!” Her voice is shrill and high.
“Calm down, it’s just a vague feeling on my part,” he quickly relents, noticing her stricken face. Evidently she still hasn’t got over her crush on Cassius. Better to let the subject go. Uneasily he kisses her on the cheek. “I have to go now, see you tomorrow.”
As soon as he’s gone Ruth hurls her glass against the wall. How could it be that Livia’s comet was such a small, unimportant one, without a name, just a number, but still she’s already started to mess up all their lives.
Chapter 17
It’s already light outside when I wake up. My back hurts from the night on the sofa and I feel a bit faint like after a bout of flu. Sleepily I sit up and look around. The candle is burnt out and the bottles and glasses from last night are still on the table. I groan when I notice the pots and plates stacked in the sink. And Natalie … “Natalie, where are you?” I shout. Maybe she’s in the bathroom but when I get up I realise that I’m alone in my flat. She must have left earlier but why didn’t she wake me? Instinctively I glance down at the table. There are several wine stains but Natalie’s drawing has vanished. Yawning I run my hand through my tousled hair. Did I just dream about the weird drawing? Probably, the whole evening is kind of blurry. When I finish uni this afternoon I must call Natalie and ask her about it, now she’s almost certainly sleeping. God, uni! What’s the time anyway? Holy shit, it’s already ten to eleven! The exam about the periodic system of elements started half an hour ago. Resignedly I slump on the sofa. I wouldn’t have passed it anyway, having barely studied. I shake off my guilty conscience and put on the kettle. After some milky coffee I decide to go back to bed. Life can be so easy when you get rid of your boring sense of duty. So I sleep through the rest of the day and wake up refreshed, and find a text from Natalie on my phone. After a hot bath I’m in good form and head for the cinema.
“Come on, it’s such a beautiful day and we'll be back tomorrow evening,” Natalie cajoles. “You have to come with us, it’ll be such fun in the country.” How I want to go but I’m on my way to a course and am feeling guilty about the missed chemistry exam anyway.
“I can’t skip uni two days in a row,” I protest feebly.
“Don’t be such a bore. You haven’t even seen Cassius’ house yet, it’s gorgeous! He told me specifically to bring you, we’ll all be going,” Natalie continues loudly. I hold the mobile away from my ear. It’s really tempting to agree but on the other hand spending two days in Ruth’s company doesn’t sound too good. This tips the balance and I finally decline.
Sitting in the lecture hall half an hour later, I bitterly regret my decision. Bored I draw six circles on a piece of paper but this time I connect the right persons: Will and Natalie, Ruth and Cassius and myself and Rupert. Wishful thinking! I crumple up the paper and try to concentrate. The professor writes some complicated formula on the blackboard which means nothing to me but I don’t really care. It was definitely wrong to study chemistry just to please my father. I always envy those people who have a distinctive, special talent because they know exactly what they want to do with their future. Like Rupert or, hm, Ruth, too. I think of Natalie, suppressing a grin. I don’t have a clue why she doesn’t do anything. She’s certainly clever and interested but I suspect also incredibly lazy. With all her money she clearly doesn’t have to work but she could study something just for fun. I asked her once, but she just laughed. “My attention span is too short, I get bored incredibly fast, you know.” She’s like a butterfly, drifting from flower to flower and only taking the best of everything. Her insouciance is enviable really. I look out of the window into the cold day and suddenly think about sun, beaches and the sea. Lanyu. One day soon I’ll go there. Not too soon probably, because the money my father gave me for my birthday won’t take me very far. Sighing I turn back to the droning professor. Stupid me, to have declined the offer of the short trip. Now I can’t wait so see Natalie and her friends again.