“What exactly do you know about our kind?” he hisses. “You’ve been an Arash for such a short time that you don’t know the first thing about it, but you’re so fucking self-righteous and show off as Livia’s guardian. It's ridiculous!” Natalie blanches at his assault, staggering back. Her breath comes fast. She can feel the fire inside him.
“You're frightening me, Cassius,” she whispers, pressing back against the wall. “I’ve never seen you like this before.” Her voice is barely audible. Cassius closes his eyes briefly and takes a deep breath.
“I haven’t felt like this for a very long time either,” he admits.
“She’s shaking us all up, isn’t she?” Natalie says in a low voice, watching him carefully. His green eyes are glowing with blue fire and he’s not the same guy she’s known for the last two decades anymore. Now he looks at her, nodding.
“You’re right. She seems so fragile and vulnerable, but she’s causing so much trouble. Just look at me and Ruth.” He shrugs helplessly and Natalie puts her hand on his arm.
“I’m sorry for what I said before. I’m very nervous, taking part in the shadow hunt for the first time.” Cassius grins wearily. “Livia obviously makes me think about things which I’ve always suppressed so far. But it’s not her fault.”
“That’s the point. She’s causing havoc and has no idea what she’s doing to us.” Natalie knows that her chance is right here. “So stay away from her. No more ‘accidental’ encounters, like the one in the Spanish bar. By the way, what were you thinking, taking her to a place that’s reserved for Arash?” Cassius shrugs again.
“She didn’t realise, did she?” Natalie sighs.
“No, fortunately not. But only because everyone was quick-witted enough to make themselves visible to her.” Cassius grins awkwardly. In this instant something else is far more important to him: that Arash should feel like humans to other human beings, if they want to. “Please don’t scare her”, Natalie asks him again. “I like her, I want her to join us.” Cassius looks up.
“Do you think I should try to talk to her?” Natalie quickly shakes her head.
“Definitely not! And don’t even think about ubilocating into her flat. She doesn’t have a clue who we are and we have to act as normal as possible.”
Chapter 19
The rest of the night is terrible. I toss and turn in my bed, my thoughts becoming ever more confused. Sometimes I doze off but my dreams are just as horrible. I see Rupert’s face before my eyes, he kisses me, then turns into a smirking Cassius, his green eyes hypnotising me. I try to escape and run through a wood, between tall, black trees, to a lake which lies still and calm before me. I don’t know why but I know I have to get there to be safe. Finally I reach the lake, my breath is laboured, and I stare into the dark depths of the water. There’s a small shed on the far side of the lake.
Suddenly I hear a sound behind me and when I turn round I see Natalie, Will, Ruth, Cassius and Rupert approaching. They’re laughing and pointing their fingers at me. Now the clouds in the sky part and the moon emerges, flooding everything in a cold, blue light. I look up, it’s enormous and threatening. It lights up the other shore of the lake, where my stepmother, my father and Sophie are waiting. I want to call out to them for help, but no sound emerges from my throat. They keep staring at me and I wave frantically. Surely they must have seen me, but now they turn around and vanish into the dark woods. In a panic I turn to Natalie and the others who keep coming towards me, but I don’t recognise them anymore. Their faces are strange and frozen, their eyes glowing with a blue light. Now I know that it’s them who I’m fleeing from. Shivers run down my spine. I run to the shed for shelter and rattle the door, but it won’t yield. My heart is beating frantically. There’s only one escape route left, the lake. I hurry back to the lake, ready to jump in, when I see the image of a girl reflected in the water. My breath hitches, it’s my mother. But in this instant the reflection changes slightly and I see myself, scared and deathly pale. I blink and it changes back to my mum who’s smiling at me. As if hypnotised I take the first step into the water, I have to get to her, get hold of her. The water is very cold and the moonlight glitters on the small waves my movements trigger. But the cold can’t deter me, there’s a force pulling me forward. Step by step I’m staggering into the lake when I hear someone shouting behind me.
“Livia, wait!” It’s Natalie and I turn around. I’m not afraid of them anymore, they can’t hurt me now. They stand on the shore, motionless, their luminous eyes watching me. The moon is illuminating their figures and suddenly I know what’s wrong: none of them casts a shadow. I suppress a scream and stumble on into the water which now reaches up to my belly. I take a deep breath and plunge in. Down here I’ll find Rebecca and she can explain everything to me. I can see her image but the further I swim the more blurred it becomes, disappearing into the depths of the lake. Desperately I look around, I’m not ready to give up yet. But my lungs are burning and I decide to come up for air. In this instant an undertow grips me, pulling me downwards. I open my mouth to scream and icy water fills my mouth and lungs. The last thing I feel is the darkness and cold engulfing me.
It’s one of those days when I don’t want to get up. My dreams still hover over me like a black cloud. I feel as if I’ve lost everything that makes my life worth living. I’m cold to the bone and weary. I think about yesterday evening and groan loudly. How could that have happened! I’ve ruined everything because of my stupidity and my futile crush on Rupert. How could I have believed that he would kiss me! He likes me as Natalie’s friend, but certainly not as a woman. And Cassius! I flush and close my eyes. What an unforgivable mistake to confuse him with Rupert. I should have realised his deception immediately. His deception? Suddenly I squirm uncomfortably under my duvet. Did he really deceive me? In actual fact he didn’t once claim to be Rupert. I’d just assumed it. I’m gnawing at my lower lip, my stomach churning. He only said that we know each other. But he should have denied that he was Rupert, shouldn’t he? He knew exactly what I was thinking and took advantage of me. So everything was really his fault. Determined I push away the last remaining feelings of guilt. If it hadn’t been dark, I’d never have kissed him. Why did he do it anyway? Just to prove that he could?
Then a horrible thought strikes me. What if he returned to the table and told everyone about it? They’d certainly have had a good laugh at me. My face burns with shame and I bury it in my pillow. I don’t want to get out of this bed ever again. I’m a public laughingstock now. Then another thought hits me, as bad as the last one. I’d practically told Cassius that I was in love with Rupert. A sob catches in my throat. Had he told them about that too? I can hear Ruth’s mocking laughter, she would have had a field day. And Rupert will be embarrassed no end when they tell him. And Natalie? She would be sorry for me but she did tell me to get over my crush on her brother. I don’t want to see anyone of them again, I just can’t. I couldn’t bear their pity or their derision. But the thought of never seeing them again is just as bleak.
My phone starts ringing but I stay under the duvet. Probably just my stepmother, she usually calls on Sundays and I can’t face talking to her right now. I take one of the sleeping tablets left from my Ralph blues time and creep back into bed. Oblivion at last! Sometimes noises break through my medically induced fog, the phone and the doorbell, but they’re very far away and don’t bother me. It’s already evening when I finally wake up, even then not voluntarily. Some moron is nearly breaking my front door down. Drowsily I get out of bed and shuffle to the door. Hopefully not Natalie. But then, to be honest, I do hope it’s her. But looking through the peephole I heave a heavy sigh. “What do you want?” I ask rudely as I open the door. Sophie glares at me and marches into the flat.