Then the tears start to fall, hot, with rending sobs. A life without Ralph doesn’t seem worth living, it’s pale and uninteresting. Just like me. A nice girl. How that hurt! And I thought he was the one. Crying I curl up in bed and hide under the duvet.
Much later when I don’t have any more tissues left and my eyes are nearly swollen closed I decide I’ve had enough of being a self-pitying fool. I have to get a grip. I emerge from under the duvet and stumble into the small kitchen looking for something strong. There’s no wine which would be strong enough for me and which I like – yes, I’m a nice, old-fashioned girl and will not be ashamed of that! – but half a bottle of vodka, Ralph’s favourite. Better than nothing. I pour three fingers into a glass and down it in one. Eew! The alcohol burns my throat and I shudder. All the same, I pour again, and with every mouthful my desperation gives way to a blazing fury. I won't let him destroy me and I clearly deserve someone better who appreciates me. To end a relationship on Facebook! And his stalking accusations! What a dick! From now on I intend to change my life. I’ll have fun and meet new people and definitely not be the nice girl. I try to pour again but notice that the bottle is empty. Suddenly the ground shifts, the room starts to spin and I have to grip the table. I let out a loud howl. I’ve wasted a year of my life on a guy who didn’t love me. With a hiccup I resolve to be myself once more. But at this moment I’m only a dumped girlfriend with a broken vodka-soaked heart. Suddenly I feel very rough and quickly stumble into the bathroom.
Chapter 3
November 2009
“They’re a good-looking couple, don’t you think?” Will remarks, winking.
“Absolutely not!” Natalie fumes, watching Ruth and the sturdy guy at the bar critically. “He looks like a hippo and the way she flirts with him is disgusting.” The petite girl wrinkles her nose as if there was an especially bad smell in the air. Will laughs and takes a sip of his wine.
“You sound like a grumpy child,” he accuses Natalie. ”Why do you dislike Greg so much?” Natalie stares at the toothpick in her right hand and proceeds to perforate the table cloth. She has to destroy something right now or she might burst. Should she tell Will her secret? It would be such a relief to talk to somebody about it but she decides against it. Better not yet. She shrugs.
“I don’t really have anything against him, I just don’t think he’ll fit in with us. If there ever was a wrong candidate, it’s definitely him.” Natalie grumbles reluctantly. Will sighs and finishes his glass.
“But Ruth is crazy about him. Why don’t you just back off?” Natalie bites her lower lip as Ruth touches the boy’s hair and pushes back a brown lock that has fallen into his eyes. He takes her hand and kisses her palm while she smiles up at him.
“She’s not crazy about him,” Natalie observes. “She just wants to make Cassius jealous.” Will raises his eyebrows questioningly.
“You think so? But they seem so much in love, they touch all the time. That has to mean something, doesn’t it?”
“Well, that’s what you think but you always miss the point!” Natalie hisses angrily. Will looks at her uncomprehendingly. What exactly does she mean – he always misses the point? He pushes back his blonde fringe.
“Is this about Rupert? Do you reject Greg because you think Rupert doesn’t stand a chance with Ruth any more if this new guy is around?” he asks carefully. Natalie rolls her eyes at him and downs her Sancerre in one go.
“That’s exactly what I meant: you always miss the point.” Natalie waves at the waiter to order the next round while Will wonders about her words. He’ll never understand girls and especially not this one who looks rather fetching tonight in her new red Miu Miu dress. When he opens his mouth to question her again she quickly interrupts. ”Forget what I said. I won’t explain anyway. Back to Greg: I just don’t think he’s the right one. Ruth is obsessed with her search for the new candidate, she has to be the one to find him and then she drags Greg along. Do you really think a rugby player would fit into our family?” Natalie’s cheeks are rosy, clashing with her dress, and her wild locks dance around her face. Will can't suppress a giggle.
“I think you’re simply prejudiced. Our family is an eclectic mix as it is. You just hate the poor guy for some reason, maybe because he is so much taller than you.” That was a blow below the belt and Natalie shoots him a nasty look.
At this moment a black-haired boy enters the bar in a blast of cold air. Ruth obviously sees him but decides to ignore his presence and turns back to Greg. “Watch her now,” Natalie murmurs. “I bet she’ll step up her performance.” And promptly Ruth leans into Greg, pressing her lips to his. She burrows her fingers in his hair, whispering in his ear.
“Hey guys!” Cassius, who hasn’t even looked at Ruth, throws his black leather coat over a chair and kisses Natalie on the cheek. Natalie steps on Will’s foot.
“Now you know what I mean, don’t you?” she hisses. “Hey Cassius!” she chirps loudly. ”Have you seen Ruth and her new friend?”
“The one she's devouring at the bar?” he grins. “Of course, the poor guy doesn’t stand a chance.”
“And you don’t mind?” Will asks. Ruth plays the role of his sister in the family and he wants to make sure for her sake. Cassius looks up in surprise, his green eyes guarded.
“Why would I mind? Maybe she won’t be such a bitch anymore if she has a new boyfriend.” Natalie hides her smirk in her wineglass. If only she could fall in love with Cassius herself, he’s so incredibly cool! But her heart belongs to someone else, a lost cause, but what can she do?
Briefly Natalie considers whether she should tell Cassius why she is dead set against Greg but decides against it because she still hasn’t checked all the facts. She’s a bit afraid that maybe she’s wrong anyway. But she couldn’t be, it’s all too perfect.
“But we’re not a dating agency, everyone in the family should like the new one, not just Ruth,” she huffs. “I don’t like him for a start, you two don’t care either way, and Rupert is just friendly to Greg because he wants to suck up to Ruth. If he could see this evening’s performance he would reject him as well.” She waves her hand in the general direction of the kissing pair. “Let’s go somewhere else before Ruth starts to undress just to provoke a reaction from Cassius!” She grabs her coat and rushes outside, followed by the two laughing men.
Chapter 4
November 2009
I’ve never particularly liked autumn, but this year it’s at its worst. I'm not talking about the mild days, when the colours of the leaves change, but about the grey wet days, bare trees and bitter cold. I hate this weather and the skeletal trees that remind me of my life which is equally bare and dark. Even getting up every morning takes an effort. I’m the typical ditched girlfriend, sad and lonely. Day after day I have to pull myself together, and convince myself not to call Ralph, and I’m proud to say that I never have. I don’t even look at his Facebook page very often. Just four or five times so far. Now there are days when I’m not even tempted, but it would be easier if something happened in my life, anything really. At first I tried to meet up with friends but that was easier said than done. During my time with Ralph we only hung out with his friends and I couldn’t really call them now, could I? My own few friends whom I neglected for ten months seemed very busy when I tried to contact them. So I’m feeling rather lonely which is nothing new really because I’ve always been a loner. Maybe Ralph was right to call me stressful and needy. I always have the feeling of never really fitting in. Everything happens around me but I’m not really part of it.