“Did I really say that crap? Well, anyway it’s all your fault.” I gape at her, she has to be joking but her face is clearly hostile.
“What do you mean? How can it be my fault that you kissed Will?” I protest wearily. Natalie narrows her eyes.
“Oh yes, it is. I’ve known Will for years and have never made a fool of myself. But since I met you everything has changed,” she hisses angrily. “You mess everything up!” Blue lights are glowing in her eyes and I can feel her burning gaze. But I have to concentrate on her accusations before I deal with her eyes.
“Natalie, what’s your problem? I’m not doing anything!” It hits me that she sounds just like Ruth, not like my friend at all. I grab her hand and squeeze it. “What did I mess up? Talk to me!” She looks down at my hand now but doesn’t take hers away. Suddenly she shivers and sinks back into the pillows.
“I’m sorry,” she murmurs. “I didn’t mean it like that.” Now I don’t know what to think anymore, her mood changes are just too sudden.
“Could you explain what you meant then?” I whisper rather tersely. “Why are you accusing me, and above all what of exactly?” Natalie stares at me, her brown eyes imploring.
“I don’t know how to phrase it,” she begins haltingly. “Since I met you something has changed. You’ve rattled our group somehow, but I don’t mean it in a bad way, you have to believe me. It’s just a shift in dynamics. Strange undercurrents are suddenly emerging and it makes us say and do things that we wouldn’t have said or done before. Look at me and Cassius.” Natalie stops, her breathing ragged. I’m rather baffled and annoyed too. She accuses me of mixing up the group but I think it’s them who are strange in a way I can’t define yet. Those blue lights that keep appearing in her eyes. It’s also their weird closeness, a kind of interdependency really. And this other very strange feature which I’ve tried to ignore, but can’t anymore: the lack of shadows. I’m sure now that it’s not just Cassius who hasn’t got one but all of them are the same, and the place out of the sun that Natalie chose for the picnic was a telltale sign too. I take a deep breath, determined to ask Natalie about this even if she thinks I’m crazy. “We’ve been a cohesive group for a very long time,” she continues in this instant. “For too long actually. The change is jolting us out of our old habits, but it’s necessary. But some of us can’t cope easily.” I listen to her, not really taking in her words because the meaning is always the same: I’m disturbing the people who’ve befriended me, they’re quarrelling because of me and I can’t have that. I get up and turn away.
“I’m leaving,” I say quietly. To be needled by Ruth is one thing, but I can’t take Natalie’s accusations. But Natalie jumps off the bed and stands in my way.
“No, you can’t. We belong together.” What? She just said the opposite, didn’t she?
“Don’t talk rubbish,” I retort rudely.
“Yes, we do. You don’t understand right now but you soon will, trust me.” Now she throws her arms around me and hugs me hard. “Forgive me,” she whispers in my ear. I’m really not sure what to do now. The odd things she keeps saying scare me a bit. Then it hits me. Maybe she’s drunk? Yes, that has to be the reason for her rambling. Too much champagne, that’s why she kissed Will too. I don’t know which makes me feel more relieved, the thought that I’ve found an explanation for her odd behaviour or the fact that I don’t have to leave after all. She’s my friend, I don’t want to lose her, and as always I push the thought of the shadows and the blue lights to the back of my mind.
Then we hear footsteps on the stairs outside our room. Natalie glances at the door. “Has somebody arrived?” she asks, already distracted. “Rufus was barking a while ago too.” Her voice is back to normal, all weirdness gone.
“I think it’s your father,” I tell her and she rolls her eyes.
“Then I’d better behave this evening.” She wraps her towel more tightly around herself and skips out of the room. I hear voices outside the door and wonder if I should welcome him too but I’m really not in the mood to be scrutinised right now. I run a hot bath, thinking about the last hour. It’s completely dark outside now and the sight of the starry sky soothes me. But then the bluish glow of the stars reminds me again of Natalie’s eyes and my uneasiness returns. I’m scared of her somehow, scared that I might lose her friendship and above all scared to ask questions that may have answers I don’t want to know.
I must have dozed off because the water is cold and it has to be rather late. Natalie knocked on the bathroom door twice but I said I was still in the tub. She told me to come down for dinner at eight and, holy crap, it’s already eight now. Quickly I brush my teeth and put up my damp hair, no time to use the hairdryer, apply a lick of lip gloss and mascara, that will have to do. To bolster my self-confidence I dress in my chocolate brown Zara suit and my dark red Carvela pumps. There, not bad for ten minutes preparation time. Very aware that I’m late I rush down, following the voices into a large, impressive room. I’m reminded of one of those huge Holbein canvases. There’s a large table in the middle, laid beautifully with silver and porcelain, heavy dark green velvet curtains at the windows and huge oil paintings on the walls. The room is lit by lots of candles in silver candle holders. It’s like something out of a history book, from a different century. Conversation ceases when I enter the room. Natalie is standing next to Ruth which immediately bothers me. Has Natalie told her about our strange conversation? Has Natalie maybe even changed sides and is Ruth’s ally now? Cassius' green eyes drink me in but his face is motionless. Will and Rupert are standing beside a middle-aged man with a short beard whom I don’t know yet, obviously Augustus, although there’s no resemblance to either Rupert or Natalie. I’m embarrassed at my lateness but hugely relieved that I’m wearing my suit because everyone is dressed rather elegantly, Natalie in an Alaya shift and Ruth in what has to be a Balmain dress. I’m just opening my mouth to apologise when Rupert strolls towards me and takes my hand.
“Livia, you haven’t met my father yet.” He leads me to the older man whose dark eyes twinkle at me in a kindly way as he extends his hand.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you at last, Livia,” he booms in a deep bass voice. I smile at him, he’s somehow slightly intimidating. Then Mrs Roberts serves the soup and I’m dismissed, or so I think.
Augustus assigns me the place between him and Rupert. I resolve to adopt my grey-mouse attitude and keep my mouth shut. At first this seems to work. Augustus’ presence dominates the table and the conversation topics, which is fine until he changes the subject to me. It’s so embarrassing how he keeps asking me about myself and my family, rather boring too. There’s really nothing interesting about my father, my stepmother and my childhood. Well, maybe Sophie is worth remarking on, being so smart and beautiful. I try to change the topic several times but Augustus is very tenacious. By now I must be boring everyone out of their minds. Indeed Ruth starts to yawn ostentatiously, while Cassius watches me intently. Finally Natalie steps in.
“Father, stop pestering Livia, she hasn’t eaten a thing yet.” I smile at her gratefully but flush all the same. I don’t want everyone’s attention on me, I really hate it! Augustus nods, winking at me.