I’m flying, I’m soaring, the feeling is beyond description. The ground races by and I’ve never before had such a feeling of freedom and absolute carefreeness. It goes to my head like alcohol and I laugh out loud. At first I was a bit rusty and kept bumping up and down on my horse rather awkwardly but soon my body seemed to remember the movements so that I was able to keep up with the others, well, most of them. Cassius sits on his black stallion as if he were glued to him and Ruth on her white mare is the ultimate horsewoman. She had to be, hadn’t she? Is there anything she’s not perfect at? Her blonde hair is braided and her jodhpurs fit like a second skin. Natalie on the other hand is rocking comfortably on her horse, not going too fast, and Rupert doesn’t cut a fine figure at all. He looks faintly ridiculous with his long legs dangling down to the ground and his small horse obviously is not very compliant. I can’t think why Cassius didn’t give him a bigger horse. Will is a sight to behold, talking incessantly to his grey mare and looking like he’s hoping to win a dressage tournament. Augustus controls his brown stallion with subtle strength, but before we left he was his old demanding self, pestering me to wear a hard hat although none of them do. Obviously he doesn’t trust my riding skills at all.
As the group slows down Natalie catches up with me. Her face is rosy and she’s in a fit of giggles. “Look at Rupert,” she snorts. “He looks like a child on a rocking horse he’s grown out of.” I have to bite my lower lip to stifle my laughter. She’s right but I feel I have to be loyal to him, being in love with him and all. “You know, he’s not a bad rider at all, Cassius must have put him on that donkey on purpose,” she muses.
When we reach a wide meadow she spurs on her horse as does everyone else. Cassius and Augustus are already far ahead with Will in their wake. Rupert’s poor horse follows them determinedly. Suddenly I hear a sharp cry behind me and automatically slow down. When I turn around I see Ruth cowering on the ground beside her horse. She surely can’t have fallen off, can she? I feel the urge to just go ahead but there’s no one else around. Reluctantly I turn my horse and ride up to her. She doesn’t even raise her head, so I have to dismount.
“What happened? Are you alright?” I can’t really bring any concern into my voice which sounds cool and distant. But what can you expect? Suddenly she rights herself, no trace of an injury there, and I take a step back. Her beautiful face is mocking, her mouth turned up in a confident smile.
“Oh, nothing’s happened to me, but it will to you now!” she replies menacingly and before I can react she hits my horse hard with her riding crop. With a shriek it takes off across the meadow.
“What’s your problem?” I shout, trying to grab her reins, but she’s faster than me. In a wink she’s back in the saddle and urges her horse on.
“Have fun in the meadow!” she laughs, and at this instant I understand what she’s up to.
The sound of the hooves fades away and I’m left alone, in the middle of a meadow full of flowers. My breathing becomes laboured and I touch my throat. Flowers all around me, I can’t take a step without crushing them. Their intense colours are mocking me, dancing before my eyes. Amongst them I see the face of my mum whom I destroyed. Tears are coursing down my face and I scan the horizon for help, but no one is in sight. Maybe they’ll find my riderless horse later and come in search of me. I brush away the tears with my sleeve. But what shall I tell them? That I fell off? Ruth knows the truth, but if she reveals it she’ll compromise herself too. Why the hell does she hate me so much? Because of Cassius? But I don’t want him, she’s welcome to him, she surely must realise that. Shivers are running down my spine but I have to get a grip and somehow cross this damned meadow.
Carefully I put one foot in front of the other but freeze when my boot touches a pennywort. Panic rushes through my body. I can’t do this. My father and stepmother always tried to talk me out of my flower phobia, Sophie and the other children at school laughed at me. Later I learned to hide it by avoiding situations which gave me away. But now I’m fucked. The blood rushes in my ears and I cover my face with my hands, cowering on the ground. I’m lost and free-falling into a space where I never let myself go except in my darkest moments.
“Livia, what happened? Are you hurt?” I hear Cassius’ voice but the words don’t make sense, I’m too far away. Only when he puts his arms around me, kneeling beside me, do I come back.
“Nothing,” I whisper, looking into his face. How should I explain to him what’s going on inside me?
“Shush! Everything’s fine,” he runs his hand through my rumpled hair. I think it’s that gesture that does it.
“I killed her,” I murmur, shivering uncontrollably. Cassius pulls me closer but doesn’t reply. I bury my face in his jumper, inhaling his scent. In this instant it’s immaterial whether the others know how weird I am. It doesn’t matter either that I don’t really like Cassius. He’s here and I have to tell someone. “My mum loved flowers, you know. I can’t hurt the flowers as well. They hate me anyway because I killed her.” Even in my state I’m aware that this sounds crazy but I’m beyond caring. I simply cling to him and can’t let go. For a long time neither of us says a word.
“The flowers remind you of your mum. That’s a good thing, memories,” he finally murmurs. I shrink back, wrestling myself out of his arms. What does he know, for heaven’s sake?
“You’ve no idea what you’re talking about. My mother was mentally ill, the illness was caused by pregnancy. In the end she killed herself.” My voice is barely audible.
“But that’s not your fault,” Cassius objects, trying to pull me closer again, but I push him away. At this moment we hear the sound of horses approaching. It’s Natalie, Rupert and Will. Oh fuck, what will they think of me, all dishevelled and in tears?
“Please don’t tell them,” I mutter quickly. A hurt look crosses his face.
“You have a very low opinion of me, don’t you?” I shrug, indifferent to his hurt feelings, too caught up in my own.
“What happened?” Natalie cries, completely out of breath, and dismounts. I will a smile onto my face.
“Nothing really, don’t worry.” I try to sound normal but I’m afraid I won’t be able to pull it off. Natalie frowns at Cassius.
“She’s fine,” he reassures her quietly. “Livia’s horse was spooked, probably a snake. One of you should take her on your horse and take her home. Where are Ruth and Augustus?” I’m kind of grateful for this white lie.
“Already on their way home,” Will answers. “They took Livia’s horse as they didn’t know what happened.” Didn’t know, my ass! That cow is probably celebrating her victory now. Cassius strolls over to his stallion and mounts.
“Rupert, you take Livia, you’re a good rider,” he commands. Rupert grimaces at his friend.
“Yes, if you hadn’t given me a fucking donkey to ride!” he complains grumpily. Cassius smirks, grips Rupert’s reins and leads his horse straight up to me so that I don’t have to take a single step on the grass. I glance up at him but he’s already turning away. Rupert dismounts and helps me into the saddle before jumping back on behind me.