“No, you’re wrong, I’m not in love with her. I just want to protect her, make sure she’s alright.” Now Randolph is grinning openly.
“And you want to be near her all the time, and you feel sick when she’s leaving? That’s what you call love, Cassius.”
“Bullshit!” the boy shouts gruffly. “She brings out the worst in me, my dark forces.” The older man nods at him wisely.
“That’s because she turns your soul upside down. So she doesn’t know how you feel?” Cassius frowns, shaking his head again.
“No, and she must never know. She wouldn’t want me anyway.”
“Why?” Randolph asks in astonishment. Cassius is extremely good-looking and can be charming at times, well, he would have to work on it. Randolph somehow likes the idea of Livia and him being a couple, regardless of how it might hurt Ruth. Randolph has always been relieved that Cassius was not interested in Ruth, because the union of two Dark Arash is very risky and explosive.
“Livia’s in love with Rupert,” Cassius says, destroying his hopes. Randolph takes in a sharp breath. That doesn’t sound too good as Rupert has been after Ruth ever since she became an Arash. Livia stands no chance there.
“Are you sure?” Randolph can’t really believe it.
“Yes, she practically told me herself,” Cassius whispers. Randolph’s face darkens, it’s not what he wanted to hear. For the last couple of decades he has himself tried to avoid emotional complications, and now there’s this mess in his family.
“Right, then you’ll have to try to earn Livia’s friendship first, maybe things will change,” he advises.
“I can’t just be her friend. I can’t bear watching Rupert either get her or reject her,” Cassius objects, pushing his black hair out of his eyes.
“Then you’ll have to fight for her love,” Randolph recommends, but Cassius looks at him questioningly.
“Why are you encouraging me? You know it’s forbidden to have a relationship with a human. I don’t mean a fling, but the real thing.” Randolph looks away, he knows that very well. Casual sex is allowed but no emotional relationship whatsoever. He knows that better than any other.
“Livia won’t be human that much longer,” he responds, clearing his throat awkwardly. Cassius gasps in surprise.
“You haven’t even met her and are already willing to take her into the family?” That is unheard of.
“Well, Natalie has told me a lot, you and Will too, so I assume…” Randolph improvises, but Cassius interrupts him.
“There might be a slight problem, apart from the fact that Livia can still refuse. Augustus is rather against her, claiming that she disrupts the family.” Randolph huffs angrily. Fussy Augustus would certainly not ruin everything!
“I never heard such nonsense! The family’s harmony is our problem, certainly not hers until she becomes an Arash!” Cassius looks at him, relieved. He never thought it could be so complicated to be an Arash.
Randolph is thinking exactly the same and hopes that all this confusion won’t drive Livia away. He decides to watch her closely from now on and to straighten things out in case of emergency. “Let’s go, I’m hungry,” he suggests, thinking of his delicious Barolo roast.
Chapter 28
April 2010
Over the next few weeks I’m in a kind of limbo. I’m moving in a dark tunnel from which there’s no escape. On the other hand I don’t really want to leave it, it’s the only place where I feel safe. I can’t escape but nothing can come in and harm me. Some nights I have the nightmare about the dark lake but I’m always alone there. There’s no reflection in the water, neither my family nor my friends are present. I’ve no one to be afraid of but the loneliness is scary in itself. I constantly think about Cassius’ cryptical words but I can’t fathom what he wanted to tell me. I really don’t know who I am right now, what I want, or where to go from here. Sometimes I attend my lectures at uni but when I come home in the evening I can’t remember anything the professors said. I don’t sleep well and I have a strange yearning inside me without exactly knowing what for. Natalie calls me regularly but I conjure up excuses. What could I tell her? That I don’t know if I want to see them ever again? That is my decision, Natalie can’t help me. But whether I see them or not, I know that things will never be the same again. The pressure is mounting every day, I have to decide soon. On some days I think I’m overreacting and they are just girls and boys like everybody else, but I know that isn’t the case. They’re weird, different from everyone else, more intense and frightening. And then there are these strange star-shaped mirrors with changing pictures, the missing shadows and the blue lights in their eyes. I’ve seen it all right, I am not crazy.
I made my decision after the night when I dreamt that I left the tunnel for the first time. The blue light at the end of it is pulling me closer, I’ve no choice anymore, and I reach a staircase. The further I run, the colder it gets, and the blue light casts strange shadows around me. Suddenly a Chartreux cat is running in front of me, showing me the way. I run as fast as I can, the icy air burning in my lungs. And then there’s nothing and we fall into an abyss, the cat first, and I cry out in horror. Unable to stop in time I’m falling too and I grab the cat but it’s turned to stone, pulling me down even faster. Shaking with fear I finally wake up, my heart beating frantically.
In this instant the moon breaks through the clouds and I see the silhouette of a tall man against the window. He is watching me. Am I still dreaming? In a panic I stifle a cry and pull the duvet up to my chin. “Who are you? What do you want?” I breathe. My phone is on the table, too far away to be helpful. Now the man is strolling towards me. His black hair is sprinkled with grey and I’m sure I’ve never seen him before. Will he rape me before stealing… what? I don’t have anything really valuable in my flat.
“Don’t be afraid, Livia. I’m Randolph and I’ve come to advise you.” My chin drops and I gape at him. How the hell did he get in? I’m sure I locked the door. And it’s the middle of the night too! Now he’s standing in front of the bed and I gaze up at him, waiting to wake up again. “Listen to me. You’ve always been lonely, for reasons that will soon become clear to you. Now you have the chance to change your life. It’s your choice and it’s very simple. Natalie, Will, Rupert, Cassius and myself are all behind you and I will see to it that the other two come round. It is my will that you join us.” I stare at him, mesmerised by his words.
“But who are you exactly? The shadows…” I stutter but he interrupts me.
“We’re no different from you, you already belong to us. The time for your questions will come soon enough.” I open my mouth to pose them right away without hesitation, but suddenly my eyes are closing and I fall back into the pillows. For the first time in weeks I sink into a deep, dreamless sleep.
When I wake up the sun is already shining. What a weird dream, the one about Randolph. But I feel rested and somehow my black mood has lifted. I decide to call Natalie, and I want to talk to Cassius. I have to see him again, find out if the feelings I have for him are real. And if so, I want to act on them. No matter how long it lasts – if it does even begin – I want to try. I’ve finally come to a decision. Life’s too short to keep moaning.
Natalie doesn’t ask any questions when I call her, nor is she reproachful. She really seems to be happy that I've called. “Good thing that you have more time again, we’ve got a surprise for you,” she chirps. My guilty conscience grows by the second.