“Does this feel like a ghost?” he murmurs and I close my eyes in confusion. Cassius didn’t feel like a ghost either, on the contrary. “Arash see and feel each other like you humans do, but for humans we’re usually only visible as shadows, our astral bodies. That’s why we don’t have shadows when we appear in our human form.” It’s all very confusing. I struggle to get my head round it and stop dismissing it as a fairy tale. But, wait!
“There’s a hitch to your story,” I interrupt him loudly. “I’m human and I can see you!” The people at the tables around look up. Randolph leans closer to me.
“Yes, but only because we want you to, so we change into our human appearance. That means, when you meet Natalie in a restaurant, everybody is able to see her, because she wants them to. Many of us don’t want to miss out on human pleasures, so why should we forego them, although none of us actually needs any food?” As if to underline his point he takes another sip of his coffee. “There are other advantages too. We ubilocate, for example, meaning that we change location by pure force of will and concentration.” I narrow my eyes at him.
“Why does Cassius drive a car then?”
“For the same reason that some of us eat and drink, just for fun.” I roll my eyes at him.
Suddenly I don’t want to hear any more of this. “Look, Randolph, please stop. I don’t want to have my memory deleted because I know too much. And I definitely don’t intend to become one of you. I’m sorry, you have to look for somebody else.” I notice that he is startled by my words.
“So you know about the star-shaped mirrors?” He frowns, ignoring the other part of what I said. “Small wonder that you have reservations.” I look at this man who has just told me the most absurd story and realise that I do believe him somehow. All the occurrences of the last month are suddenly explained. The pieces of the puzzle fall into place.
But I can’t do this. “I don’t have reservations, I’m just terribly afraid,” I whisper in a hoarse voice. Randolph stares at me as if trying to force his will upon me.
“Livia, tell me, were you ever yourself before you met Natalie and the others? Were you ever happy?” I gasp at his words, shaken to the core, but he’s not going to convince me. Abruptly I get up and look down at him.
“Randolph, I’m leaving now. You shouldn’t have interfered. I’ll never tell anybody about you, not that anyone would believe me. My decision is irrevocable, I don’t want to see any of you again.” My heart constricts at the thought of Cassius. I take a step away from the table but Randolph quickly grabs my hand.
“Wait! This was all just preliminary information, now I’ll share my secret with you. Then you can leave, if you still want to.”
Chapter 38
Yet another secret? I’ve had enough. He must let me go now. I try to snatch my hand away but he holds on to it, looking at me imploringly. “It’s about Rebecca.” My breath hitches and I sink back onto the chair. My mum – I’ve tried to ignore what Ruth said about her.
“You knew her, didn’t you?” I whisper, all doubt suddenly gone. Randolph nods, pointing at my ring.
“That ring used to be mine, you know. Augustus gave it to Rebecca, with my consent.” My heart is beating frantically now.
“She left it to me.” My voice is barely audible. I’m thinking about her letter, her words about accepting the unthinkable. She must have meant THEM. Randolph sighs.
“That’s what Natalie told me too. But I know that it was her who put the key into the letter and hid the ring in your childhood home. She took it from Augustus who was in possession of the ring after your mother’s death, a fact that I didn’t know for a long time.” They obviously know everything, even about the letter.
“Natalie?” I repeat uncomprehendingly, but after a moment it all falls into place: the hidden door in my father’s attic, the cat that led me there. Natalie. Randolph shakes his head sadly, lost in thought.
“So many secrets,” I hear him sigh. But I have to get back to my mum.
“My mother refused to join you, didn’t she?” On the other hand she advised me to let incredible things happen. How does this all add up?
“You know the reason?” Randolph asks quietly. I shake my head, unable to speak. “The official version was that she would not leave her baby, you, behind. She couldn’t take you with her, people have to join us of their own free will and you were still a baby. Augustus was in love with your mother and tried to convince her otherwise in Madagascar.” He runs his hand through his hair, his face tortured.
“And the unofficial version?” I whisper breathlessly.
“You promise to keep this a secret?” he asks urgently. I roll my eyes at him.
“Who should I tell anyway?” He takes a deep breath.
“I already knew Rebecca some time before her shadow appeared in the camera obscura.” He stops and I narrow my eyes at him.
“Did you stalk her, like Natalie did me?” Suddenly he looks me in the eyes, his face hardening.
“No, we had an affair.” My spoon clatters to the floor as I gape at him.
“An affair?” I breathe. “But she was…”
“Yes, she was married at the time,” he interrupts me. “And she was very unhappy in her marriage.” Whoa! He doesn’t need to justify himself, I wanted to say something else entirely: that she was human.
“You say you were having an affair with a normal human?” I just have to make sure. He nods.
“Like you and Cassius.” Oh, right. It is possible after all.
“But I was already a – how do you call it? – candidate, she was not, from what you just told me.” Randolph’s mouth is set in a straight line.
“You’re right. When Augustus found her months later I couldn’t believe my eyes.” I laugh mirthlessly.
“It had to be a shock for her too.” I’m surprised when he nods.
“She wanted to keep it a secret as well, but I know I was the real reason why she declined to become an Arash.” His voice is very low now and he suddenly looks much older.
“Did she love you?” I whisper and a pained expression crosses his face.
“I think so.” And what about him? I cock my head suspiciously.
“But then, why did she decline?”
“Livia, I’d left her earlier!” he interrupts me tersely.
“Right, then you obviously didn’t really love her,” I hiss angrily. He raises both hands as if in self-defence.
“You have to understand, there’s this law that an Arash must not bind himself to a human. That’s why I left her, before it was impossible for me to part from her. It wasn’t easy for me either when Augustus returned with her as a candidate one and a half years later.”
“Poor you!” I exclaim wryly. “There’s just one thing I want to know: did she kill herself because of you?” Randolph blanches, sitting very still. I hate him with all my heart, glancing daggers at him.