‘I didn’t say we were in love. I’m not in love. I just thought…’
‘Look – it was your idea in the first place, and you seemed to think that it would work, and I told you it wouldn’t, and now it just isn’t.’
‘It is. I only asked you if you fancy Jeremy. Just forget it. Forget I spoke. Let’s go back to before.’
‘But that’s exactly the point. This is the thin end of the wedge. I’m not going to have you staking out ownership of my body.’
‘I haven’t staked out your body, for God’s sake!’
‘That’s the implication of what you said, and it’s clear from the way you’re talking that you feel you have some kind of ownership over me.’
‘What are you talking about?’
‘Look – I’m a free agent, and I’m telling you that from now on, we’re just friends.’
‘Oh, fuck off!’
‘Don’t you say that to me.’
‘We’re just friends.’
‘We are.’
‘We can’t be,’ I shouted, ‘because for one thing, I don’t even like you. For fuck’s sake! I don’t know how I… You’re impossible! You’re… you’re… I just can’t… I mean… I don’t know where to start. Your arse. Everything comes out of… you just talk out of your… I just don’t know what I can say, when everything just… I mean it’s all just a load of… of… FUCKING HELL!’
All of a sudden I was alone in the room, on the bed, kind of, almost, crying.
I emerged an hour or so later to find Jeremy holding court over Liz and a gang of four year-offers from his old school. They were all reminiscing about how three years previously, Jeremy had been their house captain. And this lot didn’t have beards. The whole bunch of them were Rupert Everett look-alikes. Call me paranoid, but I could tell from Liz’s flushed face that she had an erection.
That evening, inevitably, was taken up with a school reunion hosted by Jeremy, hostessed by Liz, and spoilt by me. Ranj wisely went out on his own.
For almost a quarter of an hour, they went on and on about how much of a coincidence it was that they’d bumped into each other, until I couldn’t take the tedium of it any more.
‘Look – it’s not a coincidence. This whole country might as well be an extension of the sixth-form common-room for people like you, and you all stay in the same hotels for God’s sake, so why don’t you shut up about coincidences and move on to your crappy India theories.’
‘Steady on,’ said Rupert 1. ‘There’s no call for that.’
‘I don’t care what you say,’ said Rupert 2, ‘I think it’s a bloody huge coincidence. I mean, how many people are there in this country? Bloody millions. And there’s only four of us. That’s a bloody big coincidence.’
‘But you all come to the same places and you all do the same things, don’t you? And it won’t be a coincidence when you all meet up in the House of Lords in forty years, either.’
‘Oh, so I suppose it’s a conspiracy is it?’ said Rupert 3.
‘You can ignore Mr Downwardly-Mobile over there,’ said Jeremy. ‘He thinks he’s working class despite the fact that he went to public school. He’s a social abseiler.’
‘I did go to public school. I went to an Independent School on an assisted place.’
‘Assisted place? Oh, so we’re playing the coalminer’s daughter now, are we?’
I wasn’t in the mood for an argument. I put my head down and concentrated on my food – shifting it around the plate with my fork. I had no appetite, but didn’t want Liz to see how bad I was feeling, so I took a small mouthful.
‘He’s got a point, you know,’ said Rupert 4. ‘About the coincidence.’
The table went silent again. Jeremy, Liz and Ruperts 1 to 3 gave him hard stares.
Rupert 4 went bright red. ‘Sorry,’ he said, then carried on eating.
‘Guess where we’ve just come from,’ said Rupert 1 to Jeremy.
‘Pushkar.’
‘Bloody hell,’ said Rupert 2. ‘How did you know?’
‘Educated guess.’
‘See?’ I said.
‘Where did you stay?’ said Jeremy.
‘Krishna Rest House, wasn’t it?’ said Rupert 1.
‘So you didn’t discover the Peacock Holiday Resort, then?’
‘No,’ said Rupert 4, still looking a little upset. ‘Is that the best place?’
‘It’s marvellous. And it’s got the most charming garden. The only trouble is, you get woken up by the cries of peacocks in the morning.’
Liz gasped with anticipated pleasure. ‘Oh, God. That sounds amazing. Can we go there?’ She faltered for a second, realizing that she had asked the wrong person, then turned to me and smiled, splattering me with fake goodwill. ‘Shall we go there?’
I shrugged a yes.
‘Is it cheap?’ said Liz, turning back to Jeremy.
‘What do you think? Have I ever taken you anywhere expensive?’
‘No,’ said Liz.
‘The place is a bargain. It’s as simple as that. And don’t tell too many people about it, or the price will go up.’
‘Peacocks! Waking you up in the morning! God – I can’t wait.’
‘We haven’t seen Jaipur yet,’ I said.
‘We don’t need to spend too long here,’ said Liz. ‘It’s far too touristy.’
‘What are you talking about? You haven’t even left the hotel.’
‘I know, but it’s on all the bus tours. Fat, rich, middle-aged tourists come here in air-conditioned buses to see Delhi, Jaipur and Agra. Everyone knows that.’
‘The Silver Triangle,’ said Rupert 4.
‘Golden Triangle, old chap,’ said Rupert 3.
‘Sorry,’ said Rupert 4.
‘She’s right,’ said Jeremy. ‘Jaipur has its charms, but it really is ruined by all these people on… on… … who come here and really don’t have the slightest interest in the country. They just want to see a few palaces, buy some cheap carpets, then they go home happy, feeling they’ve learned something about Asia. I can’t stand the sight of them, myself. They ruin all the tourist sights for the real travellers.’
‘W-w-why d-d-do you say that?’ said Rupert 4, as combatively as he could manage.
‘Because they’re so rich,’ said Jeremy. ‘Their bus is a kind of high-tech cocoon, and they climb down at the tourist spots without having the slightest idea about how much things are supposed to cost, then they walk around happily paying double for everything – which gives Westerners a terribly bad name, and makes everything infinitely harder for the real travellers who are trying to get things for local prices.’
‘After all,’ I said, ‘one doesn’t want to ask daddy for money often.’
Jeremy gave me a stare.
‘That’s absolutely right,’ said Rupert 1. ‘I hate asking daddy for money. I find it jolly humiliating, and I can’t wait until I’m old enough to… to take him out for supper or something. I mean, that would be a great feeling.’
‘Bloody right,’ said Rupert 2.
The following day I went to the Palace of the Winds with Ranj, and I hate to say it, but Jeremy was right about the tourists. I quite liked the building though, even if it didn’t look as good as the photo in The Book.
Outside, I was surprised to see that Ranj gave some money to a beggar.
‘How can you tell which are the real beggars?’ I asked him.
‘What?’
‘How can you tell the real beggars from the organized beggars?’
‘What the fuck is an organized beggar?’
‘You know – one who preys on tourists.’
‘You are the most paranoid person I’ve ever met. A beggar’s a beggar. Someone without any money. Who lives on the street.’
‘Oh.’
‘Don’t you give them any money?’
‘Jeremy said you weren’t supposed to. He said that Indians just ignore them.’
‘What a lying, tight-fisted wanker.’
‘So you always give them money?’
‘Not always. Just – you know – like in England. If I’ve got a bit of change, and the mood strikes me, I give some of it away.’