‘As little as possible, if you can manage that for once.’
‘Oh, so I’m the talkative one now, am I? That’s rich.’
‘Drop it. He’s coming back.’
James arrived at the table to find us shining brittle smiles at one another. Liz put her arm around him and, for my benefit, gave him a sexy kiss on the neck.
‘You’re a lucky man,’ I said, with a sarcasm pitched only for Liz.
‘I certainly am,’ said James, smiling wanly and stroking her arm.
‘So how was your trip, then?’ I said.
‘Incredible. Best thing I’ve ever done. And yours?’
‘Yeah – good. You know, there were a few difficult bits, but – basically – it was an amazing experience.’
‘Liz somehow persuaded you to leave cosy little England ?’
‘Somehow.’
‘How did she do it, then? You always said you never wanted to go further away than Watford.’
‘You know – she’s a persuasive person.’
‘You’re telling me.’
‘It was a mutual decision,’ said Liz. ‘A marriage of convenience.’
‘And you two got on OK ?’
There was a longlish pause in which we avoided catching one another’s eye.
‘Like a house on fire,’ I said, in a tone of voice which made it sound like a distinctly odd metaphor for social harmony.
A silence descended, with James eyeing us suspiciously.
‘Did something happen?’ he asked.
‘Like what?’ I said.
‘Between you two.’
Liz and I both looked at our glasses.
‘I’m getting a weird feeling,’ James continued, ‘that you two…’
‘What?’ Liz’s lips were pursed, white with tension.
‘… didn’t get on, or something.’
I felt myself and Liz both deflate slightly with relief. James wasn’t about to guess the truth.
Then I suddenly wondered why I should feel relieved. I didn’t have to lie for Liz. I was under no obligation to her. She had treated me like an arsehole and had deserted me in the middle of India. There was no reason why I had to lie on her behalf in order to help sustain her doomed, dishonest relationship. I had almost forgotten the vital fact that I hated her guts. The only real issue was my friendship with James, but if he carried on going out with Liz, then that was all over, anyway.
In a sudden, light-headed moment, I realized that I had nothing to lose. I could have some fun.
‘You know what?’ I said, with a grin. ‘I thought you were going to say that you thought we’d slept together.’
James burst out laughing. I burst out laughing. Confusion running riot over Liz’s features, she also forced out a few chuckles and began to bite her nails.
When the laughter died down, I smiled at her and said, ‘Did think he was going to say that?’
She gave me an evil stare by way of an answer.
‘You didn’t get on, did you?’ said James.
‘Oh, we got on well at first,’ I said. ‘We were very close, weren’t we?’
I was enjoying this. Liz was suffering like I’d never seen her suffer before. For the first time since we had become friends, I was in control.
‘James,’ said Liz, in a suddenly sharp tone of voice, ‘we have to leave.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I can’t sit round a table with this creep any longer.’
‘Are you being serious?’ he said.
‘I don’t want to come between you and your friends, but if he’s going to act like this, I’m just going to have to tell you the truth about what happened.’
The grave look on her face brought James up short, and he began to look worried. ‘What did happen?’ he said.
‘I didn’t want to have to tell you, because I knew it would upset you Basically, Dave and I went to India as friends, but from the moment we landed he didn’t stop pestering me for sex.’
‘WHAT?’I screamed.
‘He used the threat of abandoning me as a way to try and wheedle sexual favours out of me. I did my best to fend him off, but he was so persistent that in the end, the only thing for me to do was to run away.’
James’s face went red with rage.
‘For fuck’s sake, James. You don’t believe that, do you?’
He glared at me.
‘The girl’s a pathological liar. You know that as well as I do.’
James was now squirming in his chair with anger and confusion.
‘Dave,’ he said finally. ‘I’m a pacifist, but I’m going to have to do this.’
‘What?’
He stood up and punched me in the face.
I was thrown off my stool and landed noisily on the floor. I heard the pub go quiet. For a few seconds I lay sprawled on the beery carpet, too shocked to feel any pain. Then my cheek started throbbing, I felt a wetness in my mouth, and my ear began to ring.
I staggered to my feet, clutching the side of my face. The whole pub remained silent.
‘You know she’s a fucking liar, James. She always has been. And she can’t even lie very well. The whole thing’s bullshit.’
‘Why shouldn’t I believe her?’ said James, discreetly massaging one of his knuckles.
‘You want to know the truth? After you left, we became good friends. Then we became lovers. Then we went to India. Then we fell out and separated. It’s as simple as that.’
‘FUCK OFF! We were lovers. He always wanted me, James - from the instant you left the country – but I never let him get close. He’s a disgusting prick, and I hate him.’
Everyone in the pub was now looking at James, to see what he would do next. Silence hung in the air, time suspended. The hush was eventually broken by a woman’s voice from the far end of the bar, speaking with a thick Irish accent.
‘Don’t you b’lieve her, boy. That girl’s got “liar” writt’n all over her nasty little face.’
Everyone spun round to look at the speaker. She gave one nod, and took a self-conscious sip of her gin and tonic.
‘Take her at her word, son,’ said the barman. ‘You won’t find another one better than that in a hurry.’
‘Fuck off!’ came a voice from near the fruit machines. ‘If you can’t put mates before birds, you’re the scum of the earth.’
‘Maybe that’s why you haven’t had a shag for three years,’ came a woman’s voice from a table near the door.
‘Too right,’ said another woman. ‘He had your girlfriend, young man. I can see it from here.’
‘Hit him again,’ said the barman. ‘You’ve got my permission.’
‘Lay one finger on him, and I’ll kick your fucking head in,’ said the guy at the fruit machine.
‘The woman’s a slut!’ said a pissed man, throwing his glass on to the floor. ‘A faithless whore like the rest of them.’
‘Who are you calling whores?’ chorused the two women by the door.
Amidst a rising cacophony of voices, I felt myself going weak at the knees as the pain in my cheek surged to a new level. I righted my stool and sank back on to it. James and Liz remained standing, and I saw James put his arm around her shoulders. Behind him, a large brawl now seemed to be in progress.
Picking their way through the flying fists, they made their way to the door.
I had two weeks left before university was due to start and decided to try and focus my energies on the reading list that I had received for my course. I just about managed to get through the list, and even made a start on one of the books.
As for a social life, I decided that it was time to start again. I was about to begin in a new place, with a new load of people, so it didn’t really matter that I’d made enemies of my two closest friends. In fact, it was a positive thing. Over the course of my big trip, I had matured so much that I was almost a new person. The time had come to cut all my old ties anyway, because people from my past would only have tied me back to my old self. As a new person, the time was right to clear the way for new friends. That was the whole point of university. I would be able to begin again as the new me – not as Dave the mediocre North London schoolboy, not as Dave the sexual failure, but as Dave the traveller.