"Buy it for what?" Janie asked.
"Just in case," I told her.
"You mean to keep at home?"
"Sure. Why not?"
"I don't know. My mother might not like it," Janie said.
"So don't tell her."
"But what if she sees it?"
"It'll be in a bag. You can say it's school supplies," I said. "Do you have enough money?"
"Yes."
"Okay. Now, what kind should we buy?" I asked.
"How about Teenage Softies?" Janie said. "That's the kind Gretchen uses."
"Okay." I took a box of Teenage Softies off the shelf. "Well, go ahead," I said to Janie. "Take yours."
"Okay, okay." Janie took a box too.
"We need a belt to go with it," I said, getting braver by the minute.
"You're right. Which kind?" Janie asked.
"I like that one. It's pink," I told her, pointing to a small box with a pretty girl's picture on it.
"Okay, I'll take that one too," Janie said, reaching.
We walked to the check-out counter with our stuff and walked away just as fast when we saw that there was a boy behind the cash register.
"I can't go through with it," Janie whispered. She put her boxes back on the shelf. "I'm scared."
"Don't be a dope. What's to be… " I was interrupted by a saleslady in a blue doctor's coat.
"Can I help you, girls?" she asked.
Janie shook her head but I said, "We'd like these please." I took Janie's boxes back off the shelf and showed the saleslady what we'd selected.
"Fine, girls. Take them up to the cash register and Max will wrap them for you."
Janie didn't move. She looked like she was cemented to the floor. She had this dumb expression on her face-between crying and smiling. So I grabbed her boxes and headed for Max and the cash register. I plopped everything down in front of him and just stood there not looking at his face and not saying anything either. He added it all up and I motioned to Janie to give me her money. Then I said, "Two bags, please." Max took my money, gave me some change, which I didn't bother to count, and presented me with two brown bags. That was all there was to it! You'd think he sold that kind of stuff every day of the week.
When I got home from the movies my mother asked, "What's that package?"
I said, "School supplies."
I went to my room with my purchases. I sat down on my bed staring at the box of Teenage Softies. I hoped God was watching. Let him see I could get along fine without him! I opened the box and took out one pad. I held it for a long time.
Then I took the pink belt out of its box and held that too. Finally I got up and went to my closet. It was dark in there. Especially with the door closed. I wished I had a huge walk-in closet with a light and a lock. But I managed anyway. I got the pink belt around me and attached the pad to it. I wanted to find out how it would feel. Now I knew. I liked it. I thought about sleeping in my belt and pad that night, but decided against it. If there was a fire my secret might be discovered. So I took off the belt and pad, put them back in their boxes and hid them in my bottom desk drawer. My mother never checks there because the mess makes her positively sick!
The next morning my grandparents announced they were moving on to New York.
"You told me a week!" my mother said. "You said you were coming for a week!"
"We did say that," my grandfather told her. "But we've decided to spend the rest of the week in New York, at a hotel."
"I see," my mother said.
My father hid behind his newspaper but I saw the big smile. All I could think of was that they ruined my trip to Florida and now they weren't even staying. It wasn't fair! It was really a cheat!
When my mother got back from driving them to the bus my father said, "How much do you want to bet it was a trip to New York all the time. They just stopped in to see you because it was convenient."
"I don't believe that!" my mother said.
"Well, I believe it," my father said.
"They ruined my vacation," I said.
Nobody answered me.
23
That night the doorbell rang at eight. We were in the den. I said I'd see who was there. I opened the front door.
"Grandma!" I screamed. I threw my arms around her. "What are you doing home?"
"If Mohammed doesn't come to the mountain-the mountain comes to Mohammed."
I laughed, knowing that I was Mohammed and that Grandma was the mountain. There was a man standing next to Grandma. Grandma turned to him. "Morris," she said. "This is my Margaret."
Then Grandma closed the front door and told me, "Margaret darling, this is Mr. Morris Binamin."
"Rhymes with cinnamon," he said to me.
I smiled.
Grandma looked marvelous-very tan and pale blonde. Mr. Binamin had a lot of silver hair, a moustache to match, and black-rimmed eyeglasses. He was tan too. He held Grandma's arm.
"Where are they?" Grandma asked.
"Mom and Dad are in the den," I said.
"With your other grandparents?"
"No… they're gone."
"Gone!" Grandma cried. "But I thought they were staying all week."
"We thought so too," I said.
"But Morris and I came especially to see them."
"You did!" I said. "How come?"
Grandma and Mr. Binamin gave each other a secret look. "Well… we thought you might need our support."
"Oh Grandma! I can manage just fine by myself."
"I know you can. You're my Margaret, aren't you? Tell me-did they try anything?"
"Like what?" I asked.
"You know," Grandma said. "Church business."
"Well… kind of," I admitted.
"I knew it!" Grandma cried. "Didn't I tell you?" she asked Mr. Binamin.
Mr. Binamin shook his head. "You had them pegged right all the time, Sylvia," he said.
"Just remember, Margaret… no matter what they said… you're a Jewish girl."
"No I'm not!" I argued. "I'm nothing, and you know it! I don't even believe in God!"
"Margaret!" Grandma said, "Don't ever talk like that about God."
"Why not?" I asked. "It's true!" I wanted to ask God did he hear that! But I wasn't speaking to him and I guess he knew it!
By that time my mother and father were in the living room and Grandma was making the introductions.
My parents gave Mr. Binamin the once-over and he was pretty busy sizing them up too.
Then my mother made coffee and served warm Danish. She offered me some milk and ginger snaps but I wasn't hungry. I wanted to get out of there so I yawned very loud without covering my mouth.
"Margaret dear, if you're so tired, why don't you go up to bed," Grandma said.
"I think I will. Goodnight, everybody."
Sometimes Grandma is almost as bad as everybody else. As long as she loves me and I love her, what difference does religion make?
24
Mr. Benedict announced that our individual reports on our year-long project would be due next Friday. They wouldn't be graded so we were to be completely honest and not worry about pleasing him. He hoped we had each learned something of value. On Thursday night I wrote a letter.
May 25
Dear Mr. Benedict,
I have conducted a year-long experiment in religion. I have not come to any conclusions about what religion I want to be when I grow up-if I want to be any special religion at all.
I have read three books on this subject. They are: Modern Judaism, A History of Christianity, and Catholicism-Past and Present. I went to church services at the First Presbyterian Church of Farbrook. I went to the United Methodist Church of Farbrook on Christmas Eve. I attended Temple Israel of New York City on Rosh Hashanah, which is a Jewish holiday. I went to Confession at Saint Bartholomew Church, but I had to leave the Confessional because I didn't know what to say. I have not tried being a Buddhist or a Moslem because I don't know any people of these religions.