The heat from the tea seeps into my skin as his words seep into my mind. It hadn’t occurred to me that not everyone within Fort Noix would be on board with the way the Commander chooses to run things. But, like the Forest Dwellers I saw earlier, it seems as though not everyone is happy with how things work here, with the Commander’s stance on not taking in outsiders. My gut instinct back when I’d met him in his office earlier this morning had been revulsion—to not take in outsiders is the equivalent of sentencing them to death. But then I’d gotten so caught up in it all, in being a guard, in protecting this precious place, that I’d let myself forget how cruel that policy really is.
Just then, I hear a voice calling me from far away.
“Brooke!”
It’s Bree. I turn and see her running along the path toward me, Charlie just a few steps behind. Neena walks a little way behind them both with Penelope on a lead. Some of the girls and women from our house are walking beside her, and the boys from Ben’s house are also coming toward the bonfire.
Bree reaches me, flies into my arms, and hugs me tightly. I hold her close.
“What happened?” she cries, moving out of the embrace. “You were gone for hours. I was worried.”
I smile at her reassuringly. “I’m OK.”
“Is Jack okay?” Bree asks, bending down to stroke the pit bull at Ryan’s feet.
“He’s fine,” Ryan says to Bree, but his eyes are locked on me. “Thanks to Brooke.”
Over Bree’s crouched figure, Ryan’s smoldering eyes burn into me. Before, I wasn’t sure what he thought about me, but now I do. He admires me. My stomach flutters at the thought.
“Where’s Ben?” Charlie asks.
Immediately, I feel guilty for letting myself feel anything toward Ryan at all. I glance around, searching for Ben. I see him sitting on a bench, alone, beside the fire. He looks just as lost back at the fort as he did out in the forest.
“There he is,” I say to Charlie. “Why don’t you go and get him some tea?”
“I’ll get it,” Ryan says, his intense gaze still fixed on me.
I falter. “Okay… thanks.”
I watch, my stomach roiling, as he disappears into the crowd.
Bree grabs my hand and drags me toward the bonfire. Charlie follows, and the three of us sit down beside Ben. Despite the danger we’ve just been in, we’re all still overjoyed to be at Fort Noix. To be warm, clothed, and cared for. To be amongst allies. But Zeke has planted a seed of doubt in my mind. Is it enough for just us to be warm, clothed, and cared for? Is it okay to sit on our laurels when others like us die out in the wilderness at the hands of slaverunners, biovictims, and crazies?
Ryan comes back with more mint tea and some chicken soup for us all.
“Do you want to join us?” I ask him.
I want to speak to him about the Commander’s isolationist position, about his hard-line policy on not letting in survivors. But Ryan casts his eyes over at Ben, and I look over to see that Ben’s watching us, his expression a mixture of anger and sadness.
“Not tonight,” Ryan says. “You guys should probably spend some time together.”
So Ryan’s starting to figure it out, to understand that there’s something between Ben and me, or at least, that Ben feels something for me. He’s not prepared to tread on Ben’s toes when he’s in such a fragile state, and I’m grateful for his thoughtfulness. It seems there’s more to Ryan than meets the eye.
I nod and watch him take the bench opposite with Molly, whose ginger hair matches the color of the flames.
The soup tastes absolutely delicious. The heat from the bowl and the fire, along with the fresh, healthy food, rejuvenates me. I feel like I’m coming back from the dead, not just physically but psychologically too. For years I’ve been in battle mode. For years I’ve felt completely alone. But now I have people around me, people who will fight beside me. And it’s the greatest feeling in the world.
I look over at Bree and Charlie laughing happily, as carefree as Trixie had been when I met her earlier. Finally they’re getting to be children. But Ben is a different matter altogether. He seems even more withdrawn.
“Ben,” I say cautiously. “Is everything okay?”
He looks at me slowly, a little dazed. “It’s just being around all these people,” he says. “It’s a bit overwhelming.”
I know it’s more than that, but I don’t want to push him to speak when he doesn’t want to.
Everyone finishes their soup.
“I think you kids should be heading home now,” I say to Bree and Charlie. They both look exhausted, like they’re fighting to stay awake so they can be part of the festivities.
Bree pouts. “Can’t we stay up a little longer?”
I shake my head. ”It’s been a long day. Ben will take you home.”
Ben looks over at me and frowns, like he thinks I’m trying to get rid of him, when really I just want him to get a good night’s sleep and rejuvenate. But he doesn’t argue; he just stands, as though hypnotized, and leads Charlie and Bree back home.
I watch them go. But as soon as I’m alone, I feel suddenly out of place surrounded by the other guards, all laughing and joking easily. For me, smiles come rarely. The past constantly lingers in my mind like a storm cloud, only parting occasionally to let in a ray of sunshine. None of these people have the same darkness inside of them. I should be feeling peaceful and happy right now, but I can’t. I can’t just see the crazy attack as a one-off to be forgotten, because for me it was just the latest battle in my long, never-ending fight against the world we live in. And while we won that particular fight, somewhere in the world, another group of children loses.
Ryan must notice my change in mood, because he comes over and extends his hand to me.
“Come on,” he says.
“Where are we going?” I reply, looking at his outstretched hand.
“For a walk.” He beckons, urging me on. “Come on,” he presses.
I don’t feel like I have much choice but to take his hand and let him guide me to my feet.
We walk. It’s pitch black and the stars are twinkling above us as we stroll away from the light of the fire and out into the compound.
“Brooke, I know that you think the way the fort works isn’t fair,” he begins.
“What makes you say that?” I reply. “I understand why it has to work this way. I just don’t think that it’s enough for me.”
“What do you mean?” he asks.
I pause, trying to gather my thoughts in such a way that I can articulate them. “I mean I have to do more,” I begin, carefully. “I can’t live with myself knowing others are out there dying. I need to do something. I can’t be part of a place that doesn’t do more to help people. It would make me a hypocrite.”
“Does that mean you want to leave?” he asks, frowning.
I turn my face, unsure myself what I really want. It’s true that I’ve started to question whether I’ve made the right call by coming here. Can I really sit back, after everything I’ve witnessed, and live out my life in peace, knowing that there’s a thousand more Roses out there who need saving, a hundred more Flos trapped in the arenas, a dozen more Logans who have been forced into policing a city they loathe? But at the same time, how could I force my friends and my sister back out into that world? I couldn’t. If I left, I would have to go alone. And that would mean leaving them behind.
Ryan gently touches my arm. Warmth radiates from the place where his fingertips touch me. “I don’t want you to leave, Brooke,” he says. “Will you stay? For me?”
I move my arm away, a little startled by the contact, by the intensity of what he’s asking me.
“I can’t promise that,” I say, not meeting his eye. But I know it’s not enough, that I owe him more of an explanation. I take a breath then turn to meet his gaze. “Bree and I survived in the mountains for years. So did Ben and his brother. There are thousands more kids out there who don’t have anyone to help them. There are so many more survivors.”