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To you.
The one who helped save me.
You will find love again, for you may hate deep,
but you love even deeper.
No matter how much you try to deny it.
You’re beautiful, inside and out.
“Your joy can fill you only as deeply as your sorrow has carved you.”
—Kahlil Gibran
ARROW
I STARE down into my Scotch, twirling the amber liquid around in the glass. The clubhouse moves around me, people talking, laughing, and carrying on, but I feel like I’m frozen. Like the world is moving around me, but I’m stuck in place. I know I’m held back by my own demons, my own guilt, but I don’t deserve any redemption. My neck strains as I tilt my head back, memories playing in my mind like an old movie.
Mary gathers her clothes and dresses slowly.
I take in her every move.
Everything about her is gentle.
Beautiful.
What the hell am I doing? Why do I keep her at a distance?
Faye is right—Mary is one of a kind and I shouldn’t be fucking around on her. Even if she knows about it. Mary has never once tried to change me. She’s taken me as I am—my many faults and all.
How many women would do the same?
“Have a safe run, Arrow,” she says softly, lifting her dark hair off her back and tying it up.
“Come here,” I demand softly.
She instantly complies.
She’s good like that, always wanting to make me happy, but at the same time—she’s not weak. She’s intelligent, sharp, and knows what she wants in life.
I’m just lucky enough to be one of those things.
I want to tell her that I only want to be with her and that I’m going to do right by her.
I want to tell her I want her as my old lady.
But I don’t.
“We need to talk when I get back,” I say, needing time to gather the right words.
She nibbles on her bottom lip. “Is everything okay?”
“It will be,” I tell her, kissing her heart-shaped lips.
It will be okay the moment I tell her how much I love her.
My eyes snap open, and I shake my head, laughing without humor.
I never did tell her that I loved her.
She was dead because of me, and she died thinking . . . What would she have been thinking? That I didn’t care for her? That I should have been there to protect her? To save her? Maybe before her life faded away she wished that she’d never met me, never wasted her time on me.
She might have been right.
I lift the glass to my lips and drink, the warm liquid sliding down my throat with ease. Since getting out of prison, I’ve been spending some of my time at local strip clubs, and I know everyone thinks I am getting laid, but I’m not. I let them think that. The truth is, I go there to torture myself. I drink; I watch; I keep my mind busy. What I didn’t do was fuck anyone. I haven’t been with anyone since Mary. It has been years—five, to be exact. She doesn’t get to move on and live her life, so why should I? I like the fact that she is the last woman I was with. What I couldn’t give to her in life I am giving her in death.
Rake walks in, a blond woman by his side. I know exactly who she is, because Rake’s been bragging about her ever since the day I fuckin’ met him. I’ve seen a picture of her, but it seems to have not done her any justice.
Anna.
Just the temptation I don’t need.
Her eyes dart to me as she offers me a small smile.
I don’t return it.
I peruse her body slowly, tempting myself with something I could never have.
When I feel myself harden, I know I need to get the fuck out of here. Standing up, I down the rest of my drink and place it on the table. Rake is introducing Anna to everyone, and I need to leave before it’s my turn, but my feet don’t seem to want to move.
What is it about this woman? I can’t remember the last time I studied one so carefully. To me, they are all the same, some just come in better packaging. Maybe it is all the things Rake has told me about her over the years? I almost feel as if I know her. She’s even more fuckin’ beautiful up close and personal. I hear the stories about her. Everything from their childhood antics to what she’s been studying in school. Rake thinks the world of her, and either he’s blinded by her, or the woman truly has a heart of gold. She’s apparently intelligent and sweet, but she also has a wild streak in her. And she has a fiery, tough side, from what I hear. An interesting mix for a man like me. Mary was all sweetness, but that didn’t exactly work in her favor—she was just too good for me. With my lifestyle, I need a woman who can handle everything that comes with it, the good, the bad, and, most important, the ugly.
What the fuck was I thinking?
I don’t need a woman right now. At least not anything long-term. I need a drink and some willing pussy, not an old lady. Anna is completely off-fuckin’-limits. I got the last woman I cared for killed. I’m not going to put anyone in that position again. Being with me isn’t safe, and I don’t deserve some poor woman caring about me anyway. Mary got death, but I got a sentence. Not just to prison, but to be alone. That’s my penance.
The smell of a fresh vanilla scent pulls me from my thoughts. Something that doesn’t help with my boner. Great, I was standing here, fuckin’ daydreaming like a kid, and didn’t make a getaway.
“Arrow, this is Anna,” Rake says, smiling proudly. “Anna, meet Arrow.”
“Nice to meet you, Arrow,” she says, her plump lips curving around each word.
I nod my head. “You too.”
Fuck, she’s beautiful.
I look to Rake and slap him on the shoulder. “I’m going out. I’ll see you later, brother.”
I have no right to be attracted to Rake’s sister.
So what if the moment I saw her, the world around me unfroze?
I don’t deserve sweetness like that.
Rake frowns. “You can’t stay a bit?” He steps closer to me so only I can hear. “I want Anna to feel welcome.”
He doesn’t want her to run scared, I can see it in his eyes. He’s afraid she won’t want anything to do with us, him, or this lifestyle.